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How do you know when ready to date - Overthinking?

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32mor posted 6/5/2013 12:33 PM

I have lurked at this forum for some time and NEVER thought Iíd see the day where I could post here. I guess/hope it is a sign of me growing and taking steps in the right direction, but the past few days Iíve felt depressed and scheduled a session with my IC to try and hash some things out.

I made a conscious decision not to date for some time after the D; I didnít have a timeline on it, but felt that I would know when or if I was ready. I wasnít going to force it or quite honestly look for it, but if it happened and I met someone, fine. The past 10 months Iíve been through emotions of wanting to meet someone and share time with, to that I never want to get married again.

I did meet someone about two months ago and weíve been hanging out ever since. It has been fun and Iím forever thankful to her for making me feel alive again. We have some similar interests, but Iím a planner and think about the future. There are some ďconsĒ that Iím not too fond of and while I am totally enjoying the moment, I donít think this person is someone that I could share my life with.

Iím not saying that I have to marry the first person that I meet, but I also donít want to go further down the road and get more complicated or attached. I tried to tell her some of this but didnít want to hurt her by being brutally honest; the last thing I want to do is hurt someone after Iíve been hurt so badly. I guess Iím looking for some validation of these feelings versus advice on how/if I should end it (even though Iíll take that too). Sheís been texting me the past two days and I havenít responded, making me feel like a jerk as I try to sort through telling her Iím done or continue to hang out and wonder what Iím doing.

Sometimes I feel like Iím better off being alone for the rest of my life.

gma56 posted 6/5/2013 12:57 PM

You may not be ready. You've been through so much in the last year and half.

If you don't want to continue seeing the new woman be a man and end it. Don't just not respond, that is being a coward and it's not fair to her. She's not the one that betrayed you.

Hugs and make sure you are healed enough to date again.

[This message edited by gma56 at 12:57 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

veelop5 posted 6/5/2013 14:50 PM

Yes please respond to her and be honest....rejection is so hard on a person...being ignored makes a person feel ugly and not worth anything...You showed her attention and decided it is not going to works so just tell her that...Not everyone has an instant

bgreen79 posted 6/5/2013 15:10 PM

I'm kind of in this stage too. (I haven't posted here either lol). I want to be ready but I know I'm not. If I were in her shoes I would want you to just be honest and tell her that you don't see it going anywhere and if you want to spare her feelings just tell her that you are still dealing with issues from the past. :)

7yrsflushed posted 6/5/2013 15:17 PM

Just be honest with her. If you like her and you enjoyed doing things together but you aren't ready for a relationship or taking it further right now then just be upfront with her. She will likely be cool with that. If you both enjoyed hanging out then you can still hang out even if it's less frequently but there is no need to lose a new friend as long as she is okay with being a friend. Heck several months from now you may want to try again but if you burn a bridge now by not being honest you won't even have that option.

You don't have to share your life with or fall in love with everyone. It's okay to just be friends. Just my 2 cents.

32mor posted 6/5/2013 15:26 PM

I could see the underlying message in my post and you all saw loud and clear what I needed to do. I called her and ended it. I felt like an ass doing it, but you were totally right and she deserved the truth. As weird as it sounds, I've never really done that before and while we were both very upset and didn't want to, I actually feel better about it now by doing the right thing.

I thought it would set me back more than it did; but really don't think I'm ready for anything serious at this point. I want to spend time with someone, but a lot of fear is still there for getting hurt again. At least I was honest from day 1 about everything with her, and while it was only a few months, it does make me feel good to know that I can one day feel significant to someone else again.

gma56 posted 6/5/2013 17:40 PM

You did the right thing by ending it with her. Your a good man 32mor and yes one day you will be ready ! It will be all that and more.

InTheRabbitHole posted 6/6/2013 17:53 PM

I did this a little bit ago with a guy who wasn't it for me. EVERYONE else knew it, but I just delayed and delayed. It was crappy to him.

So good on you for doing the right thing. You'll both be better off for it.

Bombshell posted 6/8/2013 00:35 AM

Thank you for being honest in your feelings for your friend. It's so much better to be honest up front. Have enough respect for both of you, there's something said about being honest...the truth will set you free. (and I'm sure for her as well). Be true to yourself. It will be okay.

UnsettledOne posted 6/8/2013 04:55 AM

Good for you. As you I had never broken up with anyone.

It is amazing how some sayings begin to have meaning such as "Breaking up is hard to do."

Glad you were able to recognize the red flags in the relationship and the possibility of continued healing on your part.

Been in the dating game for couple years now and have found stateing the facts and moving on quickly is the right thing to do.

Found that the healing process can be accomplished during the process. We find out how ready we are by dating. The water must be tested before we can know we can swim in it.

Found that in the process I have met women close to who I should marry..and at times wished I could combine a couple of them and have one perfect one...presently I am in a relationship that fits very well...she may be the one...I am certianly open to the possibility.

Presently you may feel you will never find the right person for you..but believe me she is out there! When you find her you will be ready to commit your heart again without fear.

For me it has taken nearly fives years from discovery to a freedom to love again. It is always in us to love..we just need to set proper boundaries for relationship...know what we want in a mate...allow them to be tested as to honesty or integrity and then allow our self to be our self in the love we can freely give.

[This message edited by UnsettledOne at 5:03 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]

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