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Newest Member: Blsoul (61132)

User Topic: Sonic Youth helped spark our reconciliation
♀ 28621
Member # 28621
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought reconciliation would never start or be true. It has taken a while for my boyfriend to admit to his EA because it never turned into a PA. (I asked him directly if he ever kissed OW or was physical with her and he said “No.”) All of his apologies up until now have been insincere because he still acted right (I was wrong) and he never understood what his actions did to me or the dangers of an EA.

A couple nights ago this unexpected thing happened and I wanted to share it with my SI friends, especially if you’ve been following my “denial?” thread. (I don't know what I'd do without SI. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!!!)

Monday night we were talking about one of our favorite topics, music. Years ago we were in a band together and have both given that path in life a shot. One of his favorite bands is Sonic Youth and I had just read a great article about Kim Gordon in The New Yorker. I particularly liked the article because it touched on the infidelity of her STBXH Thurston Moore. I related to it on many levels and my boyfriend really wanted to read it after hearing me talk about it.

When he was done reading, we had an awkward conversation about our relationship and I figured we were still stuck in limbo so I didn’t press any issue.

Then, the next morning I got a text while at work from him asking me to check my email. It was the first time he initiated a conversation about what happened with OW and our relationship (and the first time he started reading about As). Apparently he couldn’t stop thinking about The New Yorker article and started researching Kim and Thurston’s breakup. He was seeing how it related to us and he was scared. If even this "perfect couple" that he admired could have infidelity break them up, what did it mean for our relationship? He said “I think it's important that we constantly engage one another through creativity and general curiosity about the things happening in our lives so that we are continually growing together rather than finding ourselves 27 years in the future totally grown apart. It can happen to anyone, if you let it.”

He was particularly interested in Thurston’s OW and how it started. I think this was eye-opening for him in that she was not demonized. Their boundary-crossing shed light on how easily one can slip into an A. He finally got it.

When I asked him later that night if he understood his and OW’s role in this, he said “Yes.” He took the blame. He told me that he loved the attention and praise she gave him. And he promised not to ever get into a situation like that again. He’s no longer fighting anything I say or saying that I’m wrong. He does stay fairly quiet about details unless I ask him direct questions, but he will answer them now without getting upset.

I no longer doubt that he was having an EA especially when he said “I’m glad it didn’t get any worse.” This makes me think that it was possibly on the way to being a PA. My gut was right. ALWAYS trust yourself.

Last night when he came home from practice it was the first time he expressed anger at OW. He said that he was upset because she isn’t who he thought she was and was wrong about her character and intentions. Since he established NC with her on 5/23 she hasn’t been to one class. Again, the gym’s owner was asking about her. They both talked about how she has been frequenting bars with various men from the old gym. My boyfriend said that she needs male attention and isn’t passionate about the sport like she claimed. This ruined his story about her. It is what I’ve been saying all along.

The fantasy was broken. Seeing the sadness in his eyes that OW had deceived him, I said that at least he can trust that I am truthful and being me. I haven’t pulled the wool over his eyes. That is the most important thing. He smiled and agreed.

Links that go with my story:

Have You Ever Received a Good Apology?

Kim Gordon goes solo.

Is This the Woman Who Broke Up Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore?

How could Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore divorce?

Posts: 204 | Registered: May 2010 | From: IL
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gods below, I am SO happy for you! I'm glad that he finally GOT IT! I'm glad that the wood has finally been pulled from his eyes because you know this otherwise would not have ended well. Please. Right now, while he is still reeling from what could have been, insist that he read "Not Just Friends." This will hopefully drive home how slender the line can be. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9931 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 28621
Member # 28621
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! He told me that he would read "NOT 'Just Friends'" so I'm definitely following up with him on that. Thanks!!!!

Posts: 204 | Registered: May 2010 | From: IL
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me as if your WBF is in damage control mode because OW got tired of dealing with him and moved on to *greener* pastures. BUT, if that's the spark that actually leads him to grasp a better understanding....then ok.

His reading and talking is a good sign, however, it's still early in the guard your heart for a bit longer. Good luck and take care.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great news, ea_confusion. Definitely both of you read "Not Just Friends" together, even if you have read it already. I can not express how helpful this book has been to our healing and the numerous in depth, insightful conversations were sparked when we discussed each chapter with each other.

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13317 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto gonnabe2016!

A wise woman once said "fuck this shit" and she lived happily ever after.

If someone keeps stabbing you in the back, then quit handing them the knife.

Posts: 17158 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
♀ 28621
Member # 28621
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I haven't gotten over the panic attacks and am still in the healing process so I haven't totally let down my guard. I agree, gonnabe2016 and lieshurt!

I'm just happy that good signs are showing. He texts me his whereabouts more especially when coming home from the gym and lets me know what happened there and who was there.

I didn't like seeing how much OW upset him because it really showed to me that there is no doubt an EA was going on. But I can tell that the fantasy is gone and him no longer defending her is huge!

Posts: 204 | Registered: May 2010 | From: IL
Topic Posts: 7

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