I thought reconciliation would never start or be true. It has taken a while for my boyfriend to admit to his EA because it never turned into a PA. (I asked him directly if he ever kissed OW or was physical with her and he said “No.”) All of his apologies up until now have been insincere because he still acted right (I was wrong) and he never understood what his actions did to me or the dangers of an EA.
A couple nights ago this unexpected thing happened and I wanted to share it with my SI friends, especially if you’ve been following my “denial?” thread. (I don't know what I'd do without SI. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!!!)
Monday night we were talking about one of our favorite topics, music. Years ago we were in a band together and have both given that path in life a shot. One of his favorite bands is Sonic Youth and I had just read a great article about Kim Gordon in The New Yorker. I particularly liked the article because it touched on the infidelity of her STBXH Thurston Moore. I related to it on many levels and my boyfriend really wanted to read it after hearing me talk about it.
When he was done reading, we had an awkward conversation about our relationship and I figured we were still stuck in limbo so I didn’t press any issue.
Then, the next morning I got a text while at work from him asking me to check my email. It was the first time he initiated a conversation about what happened with OW and our relationship (and the first time he started reading about As). Apparently he couldn’t stop thinking about The New Yorker article and started researching Kim and Thurston’s breakup. He was seeing how it related to us and he was scared. If even this "perfect couple" that he admired could have infidelity break them up, what did it mean for our relationship? He said “I think it's important that we constantly engage one another through creativity and general curiosity about the things happening in our lives so that we are continually growing together rather than finding ourselves 27 years in the future totally grown apart. It can happen to anyone, if you let it.”
He was particularly interested in Thurston’s OW and how it started. I think this was eye-opening for him in that she was not demonized. Their boundary-crossing shed light on how easily one can slip into an A. He finally got it.
When I asked him later that night if he understood his and OW’s role in this, he said “Yes.” He took the blame. He told me that he loved the attention and praise she gave him. And he promised not to ever get into a situation like that again. He’s no longer fighting anything I say or saying that I’m wrong. He does stay fairly quiet about details unless I ask him direct questions, but he will answer them now without getting upset.
I no longer doubt that he was having an EA especially when he said “I’m glad it didn’t get any worse.” This makes me think that it was possibly on the way to being a PA. My gut was right. ALWAYS trust yourself.
Last night when he came home from practice it was the first time he expressed anger at OW. He said that he was upset because she isn’t who he thought she was and was wrong about her character and intentions. Since he established NC with her on 5/23 she hasn’t been to one class. Again, the gym’s owner was asking about her. They both talked about how she has been frequenting bars with various men from the old gym. My boyfriend said that she needs male attention and isn’t passionate about the sport like she claimed. This ruined his story about her. It is what I’ve been saying all along.
The fantasy was broken. Seeing the sadness in his eyes that OW had deceived him, I said that at least he can trust that I am truthful and being me. I haven’t pulled the wool over his eyes. That is the most important thing. He smiled and agreed.
Links that go with my story:
Have You Ever Received a Good Apology?
Kim Gordon goes solo.
Is This the Woman Who Broke Up Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore?
How could Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore divorce?