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year 3?

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sicktomy posted 6/5/2013 13:26 PM

Does anyone know what year 3 is like. Year 1 had a lot of bad and everyone warned that year 2 is just as bad but I didn't really believe it. Recently we been having more issues and now I wonder if it's year 2 rearing it's ugly head.
Now I'm curious how the next year after is.

hardlessons posted 6/5/2013 13:35 PM

Different for everybody, everybody reacts to stages differently. What are you doing to heal and work your issues?

KBeguile posted 6/5/2013 19:50 PM

I find myself agreeing with hardlessons. It's not about what "milestone" you're at.

It seems to me like you're looking for some kind of a justification. If you could only see "the light at the end of the tunnel," you would know this is "almost over."

Double for me:

What are you doing to heal and work your issues?

wifeno2 posted 6/6/2013 04:44 AM

I think it depends on how much good work is being done on both sides to heal. But for me the first year was a lot of raw pain, shock, disbelief and a roller coaster. I cried many times a day and would rage and yell at him about every 3-4 months.

Year 2 was worse for me because the reality set in. My WH did NOT do the things necessary for us to heal our M so year 2 was a hell for me, he probably thought things were better. But in reality I still cried every day, just not in front of him. I was angry all the time. I mean every minute of every day. But he also kept giving me really good reasons to be (breaking NC, lies, poor boundaries). I was more in control of how my emotions were expressed so when I was angry it was calmer but also probably harder on him because I was clear headed enough to make it hard for him to defend himself in his usual ways (blameshifting, gaslighting, trying to change subject)

Year three is much calmer for me. He will still do things that could/should make me very angry. But I can't seem to get more than mildly annoyed. And I don't even try to mention it to him. But this is because I am completely disengaged because the work necessary for R wasn't done. So year three has been about acceptance-which for me means moving slowly and carefully toward D, but for others might be moving more decidedly toward R.

Glad your hear, its always refreshing to see WS wanting to learn and do the hard work.

longroadhome posted 6/6/2013 07:34 AM

Mrs LRH said something to me that really gave me a visual as far as her healing works: we can't draw little marks on the wall to document healing like we can with a child's height.

We WS's tend to watch for milestones to gauge where we're at. Its selfish really. We want things to go back to normal. We don't want our BS to be in pain anymore. We especially don't want to live in a state of constant reminder that we caused that pain.

Things will not go back to normal. Normal is different now and will be different again in a year. You DID cause this pain. Since you can't go back in time and undo your A, you may never have a day when you're not reminded that your actions are the reason things are different.

Let go of expectations. Be present now. Don't rush your BS's healing - that feels inauthentic to them. Honor your partners feelings enough to accept their timeline without imposing yours.

Year three might be better, it might be worse. How you're helping your BS heal today might help.

sicktomy posted 6/6/2013 07:56 AM

Thanks to all the reponses.
My question should of simply been "everyone says year 2 is really bad, what does everyone say about year 3." Thank you wifeno2 for answering this. That is all I wanted to know out of pure curiousity.
I under stand that every relationship is different and you get what you put into it.

hardlessons posted 6/6/2013 09:53 AM

Will try to stay on point next time.

[This message edited by hardlessons at 10:15 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

worstdayever posted 6/9/2013 22:05 PM

I am at yr 3 and unless I get a strong trigger it feels like almost never happend. yr 1 was the worst I had to take antidepressant. Yr2 was having up and down moments.
I am still disappointed but now the trust is back. I have to say he has been good to me in all these years.
About the triggers... A train accident made me realize that he could have been on that train with OW and put in danger his life and effect ours. so I thought about this event for a white but it is very sporadic now.

worstdayever posted 6/9/2013 22:05 PM

I am at yr 3 and unless I get a strong trigger it feels like almost never happend. yr 1 was the worst I had to take antidepressant. Yr2 was having up and down moments.
I am still disappointed but now the trust is back. I have to say he has been good to me in all these years.
About the triggers... A train accident made me realize that he could have been on that train with OW and put in danger his life and effect ours. so I thought about this event for a white but it is very sporadic now.

worstdayever posted 6/9/2013 22:05 PM

I am at yr 3 and unless I get a strong trigger it feels like almost never happend. yr 1 was the worst I had to take antidepressant. Yr2 was having up and down moments.
I am still disappointed but now the trust is back. I have to say he has been good to me in all these years.
About the triggers... A train accident made me realize that he could have been on that train with OW and put in danger his life and effect ours. so I thought about this event for a white but it is very sporadic now.

standinghere posted 6/10/2013 22:36 PM

Much better, my FWS worked hard to understand herself, the whys and origins, and the damage she inflicted.

We actually had a fight three days ago, big argument actually, we've never physically fought. But, in contrast to her stuffing things and being boiling angry inside, it came out, we talked, we resolved the issue, and we understand each other. She took the initiative to do that.

That never happened in years past.

A lot of growth on her part.

She also realizes that her alcoholic father visiting the day before, with alcohol on his breath may have contributed to how she felt, not just that I'm such an amazing clueless asshole.

Although she did call me an asshole and tell me to go fuck myself, and I did respond by saying "I've been doing that for two weeks", we could laugh about it the next day, apologize honestly, and understand each other.

It gets better if both people work on it. I would never, ever, want to go through the hell of the first two years again.

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