last night my w and were talking. basically she explained how she does not think she will ever get over her anger and resentment towards me. she explained that the way i cheated and how even when she was finding out leads her to beleive she didnt matter at that point.
the last month of the a she confronted me on two occasions to which i got defensive and shot her down. i should have just ended the affair. but eventually got caught only days later.
to her my not leaving is what she resents most. and that her work is affected. we work in the same company and a lot of people know.
i have been honest with her about why i had the affair and why i did not end things. she says what i say and my actions do not match up. i explained to her again very calmly that i understand my actions and how they affected her then and now. but that i was not going to leave her and i was not in love and i was not ever on the fence about my marraige. i in those months was just an arrogant selfish person who felt he could have his cake and eat it too. towards the end i was a coward in a sense that i should have ended things. i didnt out of fear of retribution from ow. again only thinking of myself not my wife.
these things seem to be her hardest things to deal with mentally. i do not know how else to go about over coming this, if it even can at all.
i have been honest about everything that occured and have never shyed away from discussing things. im also doing everything i can for the last two years to change. there is full transparency, she has access to everything. i am no longer on any social media. i am more thoughtful, putting her first even when she does not want me near her. even that gets minimized to a simple statement of "you only do these things because you got caught"
of course things get complicated due to her two affairs prior to mine and her admission only after mine came out, and a recent revenge affair from her.
i do my best to suppress my issues with her when we discuss my affair. that said she deems her affairs better due to the fact she ended them, and that her most recent one was due to my actions.
things are a mess right now and i am unsure of where to turn next or what to do.