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MC Advice Please

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Butterfly24 posted 6/5/2013 15:45 PM

We have been to MC maybe 4 times. The first time we told her what brought us there. The 2nd time we spent talking about WH's life, what brought about his thinking and the way he is, (he cheated with a prostitute). The t 3rd time WH spent the whole time talking about my son who is a recovering drug addict. Then yesterday just about everyday things.

Here is my problem, I do not believe my WH cheated only once, nor with just one person. Perhaps he did, but throughout our M, I have found things on the computer that have led me to believe otherwise.

I have brought this up during at least 2 MC sessions and it's like I get ignored.

I have also thought there was something going on with WH and my neighbor, again maybe there was and maybe there wasn't. But she has never once spoken to me. I could be outside and she wants branches from my magnolia tree, she never asked me, but as soon as WH would come out, she would be at my house asking him. She got a gift for my stepson one Christmas, and only brought it after I left to go to the store, it's like she was waiting for me to leave. I mean this woman won't even look at me. There are other things just like these that have happened.

I brought this up in MC. WH said he knows how it looks because of the way things are, but nothing has happened.

He also said she is not his type. I said to the MC but she is. She is tall, thin and blond. I told her that I have noticed throughout our M that this is the type of woman, WH stares at. She asks me if I think he shouldn't look at other women. I told her that he doesn't just look at them, he stares them down. And that it is disrespectful to me. I will admit, WH has gotten better about not doing this, I was trying to make a point that the neighbor is his type.

At one point the MC was sort of laughing and said WH don't be looking at any more tall, thin blondes.

I then say that I feel they are making fun of me, she asks if I think she is making fun of me and I told her yes.

The point of this post is that I feel the MC is all about WH. I feel there is really no reason for me to be there. I have expressed my concerns to WH and he said to write down what I want to talk about and bring it next time.

He is really trying to R, he is doing everything right, but I still have my doubts about the things he has said, most importantly about it only happening the one time.

Do any of you have these same issues at MC? IS this normal?

And what are you supposed to talk about there so you don't feel it is a huge waste of time?

atsenaotie posted 6/5/2013 15:54 PM

Hi Butterfly24,

I am so sorry you have a reason to be here, and even more sorry your MC does not seem to have much empathy.

I agree that there is no reason for you to be at MC just now. Your WH can use the time to work out why he turned to prostitutes, why he is hiding the truth from you, why he lacks empathy for your feelings.

You too may value from some IC to work through your feelings and to help you with your healing. This si something you can do while your WH works on his crap.

Then, once you feel you have reached acceptance and started to heal, you can look to see if your WH has made enough progress on himself to work on the M with you (if that is what you still want then).

Ladyogilvy posted 6/5/2013 16:02 PM

I think most counselors are probably a waste of time and money and even more for marriage counselors. The chances of getting a good one on the first try are slim. What are this counselor's qualifications to work with infidelity? Have they even read the books recommended by the experts? By "the experts" I mean the people here at SI. If not, are they willing to?

It's so frustrating because when people reach the point when they need counseling, they need it now and don't usually have the emotional stamina to shop around for the right counselor.

Counselors often won't offer any judgements at all which isn't helpful when couples are looking for an experienced outside perspective. I also think counselors have a tendency to coddle men, especially women counselors. They don't want to scare the men off, especially since if they scare the men off, that's one less paycheck.

I wonder if we could compile a list of SI member approved counselors?

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 4:04 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

knightsbff posted 6/5/2013 16:15 PM

It doesn't sound like your MC gets it. She knows about the infidelity then makes light of your WH staring at women?

I don't think her approach would be helpful to me as a wayward. I would want a C who would not ignore my BS's concerns, who would expect me to own my bad behaviors and choices, and who would not be shy about calling me out on things.

BH and I had an MC who didn't think we needed any more help just weeks after d-day. He thought we were "good". We have both been in IC with different Cs since then.

I have read on SI where it can take several tries to get an MC who is helpful. The wrong MC can definitely cause more harm than good.

Missymomma posted 6/5/2013 16:19 PM

My advice, fire this MC. Then you look for one. I would recommend one that works with sex addicts, a marital CSAT. The one we see also sees nonaddicted couples. However, even if your WH isn't an SA, he definitely has the tendencies.

When we went to MC before my WH was diagnosed as an addict, or a sex addict (he has both issues), therapists were useless. I stormed out several times because I knew he was flat out lying. This was before I knew of any cheating. The problem is traditional therapists are trained to hear "both sides" and give weight to obvious liars. An SA is a huge liar and manipulator. It takes a therapist that is familiar with that, to understand and hold them accountable.

I had a friend give me a quote the other day.

An alcoholic will steal your wallet.
An addict will steal your wallet and help you look for it.
A sex addict will steal your wallet, tell you you are crazy, then berate you for being so careless. Pretty much sums up how they behave.

Tiredofthepain posted 6/5/2013 16:24 PM

An SA is a huge liar and manipulator. It takes a therapist that is familiar with that, to understand and hold them accountable.

^^THIS^^ is so true, unfortunately. And even with someone trained to handle SA they will still lie their ass off to the therapist. I am still waiting for my SAWS to actually take responsibility for ALL he has done, to me, himself and his therapist. I won't wait forever.

You need to get a new MC ASAP. The first one we had sucked, she was so scared to hold my WS accountable for anything at all and never validated my feelings or concerns. We got a new one.She was actually my WS IC and we realized she was a great therapist, but wasn't trained in SA so he got a new one and I kept her for my IC and our MC. Find a new one now.

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 4:25 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

traditoperanni posted 6/5/2013 16:31 PM

Change MC immediately. Your MC should be there working for the both of you. Also you need to set the pace.
Enough chit chat, it's time to get down to the nitty gritty. This was happening with our MC until I said either we discussed a
timeline and full disclosure or I'm out of here both in the session and at home.
There is nothing funny about what has happen to you. Let the MC know how you feel.

MissD posted 6/5/2013 17:28 PM

My advice, fire this MC. Then you look for one

I totally agree, and be ready to fire the next if necessary. I know from personal experience a counselor can do more harm than good. Stay strong.

crazyblindsided posted 6/5/2013 17:38 PM

The problem is traditional therapists are trained to hear "both sides" and give weight to obvious liars. An SA is a huge liar and manipulator. It takes a therapist that is familiar with that, to understand and hold them accountable.

Thank you for posting this! I have been thinking of giving MC a go, but after reading the above I am going to find a marital CSAT.

cds22 posted 6/5/2013 17:52 PM

Agree with missymomma as always! We are just starting MC and we are going to a MC that specializes in marital counseling of couples dealing with sex addiction.

What we found is that we found a very good CSAT for my H and that led to other good recs for a MC and therapist for me. Good therapists tend to like to work in tandem with other good therapists. It is just finding that first one to give you the referrals!

I will say I interviewed H's IC CSAT (H was basically in fetal position for all of that month) and what I was looking for was CSAT certification, five years plus experiencing counseling SAs, someone that seemed on the phone smart and sharp (to catch the H in his BS!), and also someone that used a lot of cognitive-behavioral therapy (which most do if they are using the carnes workbook). She referred us to a good MC but I still interviewed that person. My questions included percent of practice devoted to marital/infidelity, depth of experience with SA couples, her training, the approaches she employed the most (Gottman, Glass, Carnes only, Imago, etc). And even then we agreed to do a trial session to make sure the fit is OK. I too was burned by a previous MC, before the SA came to light, who was all about me not "dwelling" on the infidelity.

HTH and good luck!

mainlyinpain posted 6/5/2013 19:25 PM

My first MC (woman) also was too light on pushing my WH. Don't they get it that they lie? They have to be pushed. There was one time when I could see (I know him afterall) that he was just about to break through and say something important, he was anxious of course and she stopped it! She said, oh XXX is getting anxious, lets not push him! OMG that is her job. She was impressed with his good looks and his three piece suit and his charm and did not do her work. Are male ones better? Just interviewed a male one that his psych recommended but I know that the psych talked to him and first and when he said, well I don't think we should push XXX for a while right? Until he gets his therapy going and gets regulated?
Then why would I be there?
Yes, please what someone suggested, get a list of recommended ones going.

sisoon posted 6/6/2013 14:38 PM

I agree on firing this MC. From what you say, she's discounting/ignoring some crucially important stuff. I don't even want to think of the details about the lousy work you're reporting....

Look for someone who helps couples recover from infidelity, ideally with a track record of success. I think MC is likely to be good for you now because you've got some issues that can be resolved only by working with your H (not believing he's come clean and his current behavior WRT neighbor, for example).

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:40 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Trusttrusttrust posted 6/6/2013 16:51 PM

We were just released after 4 months. We had never been in MC before and we were both very happy we did go. The MC was wonderful and did not, for one second, cut my cheating husband any slack. She was on him, in such a good way. We both feel that without MC our 31 year marriage would have ended. I was never a proponent of MC, but now I am. The MC was what saved us. Not that is was fun, but very needed.

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