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Help me understand why I am crying

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Must Survive posted 6/5/2013 16:27 PM

18 months out. Divorcing. NC for a year. At first I was a delay for the divorce due to my daughter's death. Now his lawyer keeps requesting items they already have. Everytime I call/email my lawyer it costs $.

I get a copy of the letter STBXH attorney sent. In it they are complaining about not moving forward. AND that STBXH wants more parenting time. "if your client is unwilling to allow more frequent parenting time with ASSHAT, it is time to refer this matter for mediation"

DS is almost 16. Has his own cell phone. He makes his own plans with his dad. He does not even (and doesn't have to) ask my permission. He goes when he wants to go. I was given 100% physical custody. Allow DS to be with father when he wants to. And have DS go to counseling with father. I have taken my DS to every counseling appointment. Never late.

I get so upset over this, I am crying. Just to call my lawyer and confirm he has sent a settlement proposal is going to cost $. And how do I respond that there is no need for child custody mediation because DS can go anytime he wants. Just doesn't want to.

Why am I crying. I was getting stronger. I am so proud that I am off AD, AA, sleeping pills.

Any recommendations to how to get the divorce done the fastest way, cheapest? I was hoping with the settlement proposal we could be done. And STBXH never sent a settlement proposal even though he is the one that moved the legal separation to divorce.

Honestly, I just want to go about my life like nothing is wrong. But it is and everytime I have to deal with this I go down the rabbit hole of pain and tears.

Jrazz posted 6/5/2013 16:40 PM

I would imagine that from time to time the sheer enormity of everything you've been through just catches up. It doesn't mean you're weak or relapsing, it just means that the tide washes back in every so often.

I'm sorry I can't give you advice about how to proceed in in the divorce. I just wanted to chime in that you ARE strong and doing a great job. It's ok to hit a rough patch.

(((Must Survive)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:41 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

sadtoo posted 6/5/2013 16:47 PM

I know it's hard to be on pills. It feels like such a "crutch". But during a divorce, especially during a divorce with a complete JACKASS, you almost need to have them. I would go back on them just until you get through this. You can go back off after this is over. In the mean time you will be much stronger and you won't have to deal with the emotional stress you're dealing with now.

Ashland13 posted 6/5/2013 19:50 PM

Hi MS,

I am in a very similar place that you are, but not on the pills for various reasons. And when I had them before, they made me so darn loopy that I begged off. I understand the reality of them though and think sometimes they do have benefits.

STBXH/Perv pulls the same sh with his lawyer, who is another tool. The lawyer himself strikes me as narcissistic also, which isn't helpful to post, but to say that it helped me to see and know for myself.

Perv demands more parenting time and then makes plans on it and won't take DD with him! Like, hours, an entire day and evening, dumps her off early.


FWIW, I actually write these down in a notebook small enough to hide from each of them. And I work very hard not to get reeled in to back and forths with him.

Your child being older is harder, in some ways, for his independence is not easy to work with.

One thing that helps me (even though it hurts me mentally and makes me feel small), is that I've learned to ask for back up from professional offices we've been to. Sometimes it's all that works and I'm trying to think of an example that's relative to your post.

Maybe the or a counselor would be able to help and would be a third party.

As to the tears, I think this is some of the most core or fundamental things in life for anyone and when divorce comes, these core and fundamental things we've worked for so many years are changed and taken away, not of our own choice sometimes.

And we are stretched to the point of breaking with our nerves, which push my tears, for my nerves can't handle much right now. Sometimes it seems as if no matter what we try, we can't win. I feel like I can't keep anything or anyone in my grasp, like things and people slip through my fingers and I am falling through the earth.

It seems like it's also our wish to please and though we are working to the point of sheer frustration, nothing we do as Bs is enough, or right, or okay for the people who let us down and continue to maim us emotionally, with their constant demands.

When it comes to our children, there isn't much I wouldn't do to protect DD from harm and that pushes my strength and maybe yours, too? Mama Bear is coming out and all of this takes such a huge toll on our emotional strength.

I've had to borrow money for this divorce and swallow even more pride to ask. In re. to the money part, FWIW, is I make lists of things that happen 'between us' and when I am going to see or speak with L, I bring them. I only contact him with a list or major problem and I've had to let go of things that emotionally killed me to put aside, things that argued with my core values or wishes for DD.

There is not credit given for what we do and I've learned not to expect or wish for it anymore. Set backs will come, no doubt, so anything you find any pleasure in at all, do it longer! Or again! And concentrate on how it feels! I mean small things...the sun on your face, the window open in the car on a hot day...

What helps me with the crying is going back to basic and sort of raw living. Finding joy in seeing a wildflower.

The one positive thing this has done is taken me back that way, where the smallest, minutest thing in life is important and smiles come from truly simple things.

I will end now, but hope I helped in any way and send the other piece of advice I do, which is to never, ever respond right away.

torn2bits posted 6/5/2013 21:02 PM

I am deeply sorry that you are hurting. I believe that as others have said, this is exhausting to you. My divorce is not final and it will be almost 3 yrs.

Basically they want you to suffer and "think" there is a chance to hurt you by taking the children and keeping you from finding happiness with another if your not divorced yet.

Also, its about control and money. My STBX thinks he will get 50/50 and not pay for CS by asking for the kids more and stalling. We are wise to his games.

If I were you, I would call him. I know you have been NC, but when I told my STBX that the lawyers are getting rich on our dime and that I would ask the judge that he pay all the attorneys fees if he doesn't settle by a certain date, he got his butt moving!

I also TOLD my L that I want this D final now. They will drag it out also just for the fees. Terrible, but true. My mother is a divorce attorney so I know.

Rainbows posted 6/6/2013 13:01 PM

You're in the middle of big stuff and it's ok to experience your emotions as they come up. I'm at the beginning stages of my D, but wanted to share something I learned about crying.

My therapist taught me that crying is actually a good tool that helps us heal emotional pain. She encourages me to let it run it's course whenever it comes up. Physically, it activates the release of endorphins. Emotionally it releases pressure. When we cry, we are less tense, we breathe more deeply and our bodies function organically.

I like to visualize my tears carrying the pain out of me and washing it away. There is something to be said about that sense of calm after a good cry (but maybe not the way we look). I will admit, I am not a cute cryer. :-)

Anyway, I hope resolution and peace comes quickly for you.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 1:02 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

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