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northernarea posted 6/5/2013 16:56 PM

I was involved in two affairs from the spring of '09 until the spring of '11. The first was with a former girlfriend from over 20 years ago and lasted about a month or so. It was discovered by my wife afer she had done some investigative work in April of 2011. I hadnt seen her and had actively avoided her all those years. We worked the same job but in different locations. And with our different assignments, I was able to not see her for all those years. At first, I was hurt and hated her because I had caught her cheating on me those many years ago. But as the years past, I thought less and less about her until I never thought about her at all. In the spring of 2009, I had a chance encounter with her. We talked a bit and she told me I looked "stressed out" and asked did I need to release it. My mother was in the final stages of terminal cancer at this point and I was mentally and emotionally stressed. I was also having problems communicating at home with my wife and children. We subsequently met and had sex a few times over the next few weeks. It wasnt good. I saw her a couple of more times to have sex, it was never good. Our meetings after that just dried up, I didnt contact her, she didnt contact me, that was it. Going back 20 years, our relationship ended because of her cheating on me. A couple years after it ended, I was in my only other long term relationship other than my marriage. I run into her somewhere, and very soon after, we have sex. This is discovered by my girlfiend who ends our relationship. The affair partner also moves on. Fast forward back to the spring of '09. After this affair ends, an emotional affair begins soon after with another co-worker. This is someone I see nearly everyday. This leads to a physical affair that begins in the fall of '09 and ends in February of 2011 when I break it off. It is discovered when she calls my home in April of 2011. More about this later.....

UnexpectedSong posted 6/5/2013 17:49 PM

How did the EA with the coworker begin

BaxtersBFF posted 6/5/2013 18:03 PM

Hi northernarea,

You pretty much wrote this same stuff almost a year ago. Where are you going with it? Have you done anything to figure out why you had your A's. What is the situation with your BW? Are you in R?

northernarea posted 6/6/2013 16:44 PM

Like I mentioned, we worked together. We worked shift work and would sometimes be together for 10 to 12 hours on an assignment. When you work long irregular hours with someone, you find yourselves talking about any and everything. After my mother passed away, we began to have conversat

northernarea posted 6/6/2013 17:17 PM

*Sorry, sent post before I was finished* conversations about problems I was having handling the estate with a family member. She claimed to have the same problem as I did. I felt like no one but her understood me. I shut out my wife and family. As time passed, we began to talk about more and more things. As time passed, I grew even more distant from my wife and family. I pushed them away because I thought no one understood my pain like my EA did. As the months pass, I grew more emotionally attached and was physically and mentally absent from home. The day it became physical, I was an emotional wreck and hurting badly. I felt I could turn to no one but her. I felt like I couldn't talk to my wife or family because they wouldn't understand. I never gave them a chance, I never opened up to any of them. We both see an IC and are in JC. This is our 3rd different JC. The others didn't seem to help, I have a better feeling about this one. He seems to have a better handle on our situation.

northernarea posted 6/6/2013 17:17 PM

*Sorry, sent post before I was finished* conversations about problems I was having handling the estate with a family member. She claimed to have the same problem as I did. I felt like no one but her understood me. I shut out my wife and family. As time passed, we began to talk about more and more things. As time passed, I grew even more distant from my wife and family. I pushed them away because I thought no one understood my pain like my EA did. As the months pass, I grew more emotionally attached and was physically and mentally absent from home. The day it became physical, I was an emotional wreck and hurting badly. I felt I could turn to no one but her. I felt like I couldn't talk to my wife or family because they wouldn't understand. I never gave them a chance, I never opened up to any of them. We both see an IC and are in JC. This is our 3rd different JC. The others didn't seem to help, I have a better feeling about this one. He seems to have a better handle on our situation.

BaxtersBFF posted 6/6/2013 23:53 PM

It's a bit hard to tell, but what do you think of your first AP now? She was an ex right? She cheated right? Was she M or in a relationship when your A was active?

Shift work sucks. Things do get sort of weird in the wee hours. Were there other people on the shift? Or was it just you two? Do you know when the EA started? do you see the pushing of the boundaries?

My story is fairly similar to yours. EA with an ex. She cheated on me back then. 20 years go by and BAM, an EA started. I was absent from home because of work and college. The more I was away the more everything seemed to be my BW's fault. Couldn't talk to her because she wouldn't understand. It was easier to talk to others.

Do you see that when you share the personal stuff with someone of the opposite sex who isn't your spouse that you are miraculously understood? Everything just seems so easy doesn't it? Since it's so easy with someone else, it must not be you that's the problem. It must be someone else's problem. The distance starts. The resentments build. and things just spiral.

So, if you're here, and you're on your 3rd marriage counselor, I am presuming your BW is still with you? How is her patience doing? What is keeping her in the M right now? What are you doing that would make her want to R with you?

northernarea posted 6/7/2013 14:36 PM

1st AP was single 20 years ago, but was married during our affair. 2nd AP is single, never married. Their were other people working, and you could end up with anyone. But often times, it was the two of us. Their were often times when we would all go out as a group socially, but it slowly narrowed down to just the two of us over time. Even with these group outings (men and women), their were topics discussed that I would never even think about talking about now. Talking about very intimate topics that should never be dicussed outside of the marriage. My BW is still with me. I know it has been very hard for her. We have our good days and bad. I hope she still has a little faith in me, I thinks thats why she has stayed. It has been slow going, but we are slowly making progress.

BaxtersBFF posted 6/7/2013 15:05 PM

Slow going can be better than no going...

This is not something that a lot of us seem to understand, but prior to the A's, did you ever have a feeling that if your BW was there next to you that you wouldn't be talking about these things? That is a good barometer from here on out...think to yourself, if my BW were here with me right now, would I say this?

It is a lesson learned to late for many of us...

Prior to your mom's cancer, had you ever been faced with potentially losing someone you loved? Not saying that maybe it would have been easier if you had that prior experience, just that sometimes what may seem a right path forward during a time of great stress, actually turns out to reflect our very poor coping mechanisms. Can you see this now?

authenticnow posted 6/7/2013 19:36 PM

Northernarea,

Madhatters are not to start stop sign threads.

Thank you.

AN

northernarea posted 6/13/2013 22:40 PM

Prior to my affairs. I had a lifetime of inappropriate conversations. In my mind, I was just talking and what was wrong with that? I had conversations that I would never even dream about having now. Looking back on it now, I see how wrong it was, and how wrong I was. Like I mentioned before, working shift work, sometimes spending long hours working alone with a woman, or sometimes two, led to some discussions that i never should have had. I work in a male dominated field. Most of the women keep right up with the men in the rowdy and raunchy topics discussed. I steer away from my co-workers when the topic of sex or extra marital affairs comes up. For some reason, in my line of work, extra marital affairs seem to be the norm as opposed to the exception. They sometimes seem to be freely discussed and sometimes glamorized. My father passed away when I was 26. I was of course a much different person back then. I didnt(or dont rememeber it)have the emotional reaction I had 20 years later when my mother passed.

stilllovinghim posted 6/13/2013 23:21 PM

How's your communication with your W now? Also, did you feel that you needed to let *us* know the sex with the AP sucked because your W would be reading the post, or to take some of the blame away by minimizing what you've done...or maybe both?

Why do you think it was okay to start up an A? I understand stress and crazy hours and close personal losses, feeling like your spouse doesn't undersrand or care, truly I do but your reason WHY is much, much deeper.

northernarea posted 6/19/2013 22:36 PM

Our communication is better now. Looking back, it was lacking before the affairs started. I mention the bad sex because it was. I fully admit that I did it, not with one person, but two. Looking back on it, I guess it filled an emotional need that I felt wasn't being met.

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