You pretty much wrote this same stuff almost a year ago. Where are you going with it? Have you done anything to figure out why you had your A's. What is the situation with your BW? Are you in R?
Shift work sucks. Things do get sort of weird in the wee hours. Were there other people on the shift? Or was it just you two? Do you know when the EA started? do you see the pushing of the boundaries?
My story is fairly similar to yours. EA with an ex. She cheated on me back then. 20 years go by and BAM, an EA started. I was absent from home because of work and college. The more I was away the more everything seemed to be my BW's fault. Couldn't talk to her because she wouldn't understand. It was easier to talk to others.
Do you see that when you share the personal stuff with someone of the opposite sex who isn't your spouse that you are miraculously understood? Everything just seems so easy doesn't it? Since it's so easy with someone else, it must not be you that's the problem. It must be someone else's problem. The distance starts. The resentments build. and things just spiral.
So, if you're here, and you're on your 3rd marriage counselor, I am presuming your BW is still with you? How is her patience doing? What is keeping her in the M right now? What are you doing that would make her want to R with you?
This is not something that a lot of us seem to understand, but prior to the A's, did you ever have a feeling that if your BW was there next to you that you wouldn't be talking about these things? That is a good barometer from here on out...think to yourself, if my BW were here with me right now, would I say this?
It is a lesson learned to late for many of us...
Prior to your mom's cancer, had you ever been faced with potentially losing someone you loved? Not saying that maybe it would have been easier if you had that prior experience, just that sometimes what may seem a right path forward during a time of great stress, actually turns out to reflect our very poor coping mechanisms. Can you see this now?
Madhatters are not to start stop sign threads.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Why do you think it was okay to start up an A? I understand stress and crazy hours and close personal losses, feeling like your spouse doesn't undersrand or care, truly I do but your reason WHY is much, much deeper.