Me: fWH/BH 46
So we have been separated a year. BW has told me time and time again that once she gets a job, we will start the D process.
Mentally I accept that. The separation has made me feel 'ok' with the concept that it is over to a certain degree, but for the last two weeks, BW has been sick, and need an operation and support so I have been staying with her and the kids. I have been sleeping on the couch, but spending the majority of my time there.
Being back in the house, fixing things up, cooking for the kids, almost acting like I never moved out is so sad and depressing. In a way, it's been a very good lesson. A lesson on how to show love, unconditional love. I am doing this because I promised my H I would support her, and do whatever I could to help her through this, and be with the kids. I, for once in my life am doing what I committed to do, not what I feel like doing. I am actually, authentically, enjoying being a support for my W. It is likely the first time I have really helped someone so much without expecting something in return.
In my weaker points during this time, I think, if only I can do this perfectly, or help her more, this will all be fixed. W and I actually spoke about this, had an honest talk about how I am feeling. I told her how I am feeling... That i still have a strong attraction to her, emotionally, physically, romantically, and she honestly told me that the romantic and physical attraction for her is dead. It hurt to hear it, but I was able to listen and not shut down emotionally like I had done in the past.
So what I am left with is figuring out why I have a romantic attraction to someone who is not available to me. Why can't I be happy for the relationship that I have with my W as it is? Why can't I be happy with what I have? Why can't I let go?
Separated transitioning to D