i think that me not being able to forgive myself for "believing" all the lies is holding me back. i cant let go...and it hurts. i feel like a pathetic fool when i think about how weak i was..and so blind.
do you ever feel that way?
when i think about all the things i didnt see, pretended werent there...or rug swept, it makes me cringe...and i get upset and angry with him all over again.
i just need to vent...
i would never put up with any of the things i am listing below now...after seeing a good ic for a year...and buying some pretty expensive "bitch boots." but i hate that i wasnt strong enough to see through all of his crap.
i should have listened to my mother....and what she told me immediately after dday1. "if you want him back, kick his ass to the curb."
i didnt listen and did this:
1. had my uncle who married us...he is a pastor call my husband when he left and got an apt. i had my uncle call him to try and get him to see that he was making a mistake. my husband told him he was "enjoying his freedom and liked not have the responsibiliy" this was after dday1. ouch.
2. when i found out about his cheating, i asked for transparency..and he said..."no way. you cant have access to my phone. that is a deal breaker for me. i have too many people calling me."
3. when he said..."i am still out with my friends...i will be home at 3am."
4. after reading an email he sent to a woman he cheated on me with...he said..."dont go in my email! i only am talking with her about business." and then he got so mad and stormed out of the house and stayed out all night.
5. or when i found an inappropriate email to a woman...he swore it was about work...and got so mad at me for snooping and contacting her...he said i was embarrassing him at work...turns out he was sleeping with her since dday1...she was ow2.
6. when i would find something suspicious...he would call me crazy...and tell me i was "driving him away" or making him love me less. and then i would apologize to HIM...omg....he had me thinking it was ME hindering our recovery...when he was still cheating the whole time.
7. him wanting to leave to "go see his friends down the street", or having to "go make a run."
8. up all hours of the night in his garage WHICH HE KEPT LOCKED...and he always had his phone in there...very private...and i couldnt just come in...no key either...ouch.
9. allowing him to blame me for his affair. he would actually say..."if you would have joined the same gym i did...then everyone there would know i was married...and the cheating with the yoga instructor would have never happpend. and i actually believed that...and joined the gym..and humiliated myself by joining a yoga class, and going to the same gym that the ow worked at...just to "make him happy" and get in shape. i actually thought that would keep him faithful...ouch! i actually allowed him continue going to that gym. we both had to check the schedule daily to see if she was working...pathetic...i cant beleive i did that!! i should have thrown him out that day.
10. "blow jobs arent really cheating." after dday1..he actually told me that.
of course 9 months later, i learned i was in false r after finding a dirty text.
it has been a long road since then....mc, ic, him completing rehab...all of it...and we are attempting a true r...but i was so pathetic.
honestly you guys...i just didnt want to believe what was right in front of me. i wanted to believe him so bad...and in my heart i knew that he was treating me very badly. i hate that i was so weak. i should have put him out after the first dday....and held firm on my requirements for r.
instead, i let him come back all wrong...and he acted even worse than before...WORSE.
that is my lesson.
thank god i have learned my worth now.
[This message edited by sri624 at 11:27 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]