do you ever feel that way?
when i think about all the things i didnt see, pretended werent there...or rug swept, it makes me cringe...and i get upset and angry with him all over again.
i just need to vent...
i would never put up with any of the things i am listing below now...after seeing a good ic for a year...and buying some pretty expensive "bitch boots." but i hate that i wasnt strong enough to see through all of his crap.
i should have listened to my mother....and what she told me immediately after dday1. "if you want him back, kick his ass to the curb."
i didnt listen and did this:
1. had my uncle who married us...he is a pastor call my husband when he left and got an apt. i had my uncle call him to try and get him to see that he was making a mistake. my husband told him he was "enjoying his freedom and liked not have the responsibiliy" this was after dday1. ouch.
2. when i found out about his cheating, i asked for transparency..and he said..."no way. you cant have access to my phone. that is a deal breaker for me. i have too many people calling me."
3. when he said..."i am still out with my friends...i will be home at 3am."
4. after reading an email he sent to a woman he cheated on me with...he said..."dont go in my email! i only am talking with her about business." and then he got so mad and stormed out of the house and stayed out all night.
5. or when i found an inappropriate email to a woman...he swore it was about work...and got so mad at me for snooping and contacting her...he said i was embarrassing him at work...turns out he was sleeping with her since dday1...she was ow2.
6. when i would find something suspicious...he would call me crazy...and tell me i was "driving him away" or making him love me less. and then i would apologize to HIM...omg....he had me thinking it was ME hindering our recovery...when he was still cheating the whole time.
7. him wanting to leave to "go see his friends down the street", or having to "go make a run."
8. up all hours of the night in his garage WHICH HE KEPT LOCKED...and he always had his phone in there...very private...and i couldnt just come in...no key either...ouch.
9. allowing him to blame me for his affair. he would actually say..."if you would have joined the same gym i did...then everyone there would know i was married...and the cheating with the yoga instructor would have never happpend. and i actually believed that...and joined the gym..and humiliated myself by joining a yoga class, and going to the same gym that the ow worked at...just to "make him happy" and get in shape. i actually thought that would keep him faithful...ouch! i actually allowed him continue going to that gym. we both had to check the schedule daily to see if she was working...pathetic...i cant beleive i did that!! i should have thrown him out that day.
10. "blow jobs arent really cheating." after dday1..he actually told me that.
of course 9 months later, i learned i was in false r after finding a dirty text.
it has been a long road since then....mc, ic, him completing rehab...all of it...and we are attempting a true r...but i was so pathetic.
honestly you guys...i just didnt want to believe what was right in front of me. i wanted to believe him so bad...and in my heart i knew that he was treating me very badly. i hate that i was so weak. i should have put him out after the first dday....and held firm on my requirements for r.
instead, i let him come back all wrong...and he acted even worse than before...WORSE.
that is my lesson.
thank god i have learned my worth now.
[This message edited by sri624 at 11:27 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
Its not our fault that we were lied to. He wanted to have sex with her, it was going to happen no matter what I did. Once thier mind is set and there into the fog, there not thinking about us, just how to keep doing it.
I believe lots of us BS have had the same feelings - and NO we aren't and were NOT stupid.
I can still get very angry and cringe when I think back on some of the things I believed, put up with, and tolerated. Your feelings and hurt are rather normal.
BUT you are not stupid.
I'm sorry for the continued pain you're going through.
I do understand.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
The facts are they manipulated and lied to us to cover up what they were doing. They actually didn't care about any of those things while they were still involved in the A. They only thought about what they wanted and needed to make themselves feel good. Only after their bubble is burst do they start to actually see the damage they did. Some such as mine took several DDay's for what he was going to lose to sink in. We also had to realize that we couldn't love them back to us or make them fix their issues. That is all on them and the longer it takes them, the less likely that you can have a successful R.
I have realized after all this that I wasn't stupid, he was. He threw away a good marriage and a good wife and the longer it takes him to actually "get it" the more detached from the marriageI become. I am forced to think about this everyday and to try and heal myself from the pain and blow to my own self-esteem that his A has caused me. Sometimes I wished he would have just left me for the OW. Then I wouldn't wonder everyday if he was just here out of guilt and finances (cheaper to keep her) which is what OW has said is the reason he is still here with me and not her. I also wouldn't have to wonder if there will be yet another DDay soon due to my serious health issues since this all began. I partly blame my health on the stress, anxiety, and infedelity diet that his good time brought into my life. It has caused hidden bleeding problems to surface that I never knew I had before the A because of my weakened immune system.
Why should we have to forgive ourselves for being loving and trusting spouses??? Because thats what we are. If we give them a chance to try and make it right it is only because we meant our wedding vows.
if anyone is stupid...it is him. and at the end of the day, he got away with nothing...
i am in ic trying to get help letting this feeling go. i am appalled at my behavior...my co dependency, my low self esteem, and insecurity that i felt at the time. if he ever did any of the things i listed above, he would be gone, and he knows it. i love him, but i will let his ass go and move on. it isnt a threat..it is just a boundary that i have set for myself. and i dont want to live with a monster.
i am pleased that he is trying to r with me in a slow, healthy, honest manner. i still dont trust him...no matter how many mc, ic, rehabs, or tranparent behaviors he does...that will take time. and i dont want to be pathetic anymore. never.
one thing i realized about my husband and it is this:
he is "just" a man...a man...nothing special, or magical. and he is an immature man on top of it...who is just starting to grow up at 40 years old.
thats one thing i am not stupid about for sure.
You cna't feel stupid for not acting like some super parole officer. You have every right to expect to not have to watch over your spouse like you would a toddler in a china store.
Could you have missed signs that would have given him away sooner? Yeah, we all could have I am sure.
But, a lot of us had to resort to things we were not too proud of doing in order to discover the truth.
My hope is that one day I can trust again (with another partner). I hope I have not been damaged to the point that I am obsessed with snooping or reading too much into things.
I trusted my gut to get to this point, I hope my gut does not start playing tricks on me down the road.
Please forgive yourself; in fact don't even need to forgive youself, becuase there is nothing to forgive yourself for!! you weren't stupid. You were normal. He was criminal! ((Yeah and I know for a while it is just so humiliating because we do - feel - so - stupid.))
I beat myself up for a long time for being "stupid". I gradually came to the realization that it wasn't stupidity. I simply trusted the person I had invested over 30 years in not to deliberately destroy the M and me. I dismissed and rationalized the lies, gaslighting and verbal abuse because they were incongruous to the person I thought he was. It was necessary to my healing that I truly forgive myself for trusting him. These are "lessons learned" as I move forward in life. Fortunately for our healing, he has taken complete responsibility for destroying that trust and repeatedly helped me not beat myself up.
Since you've learned your I would say that you're in a better place now then you would have been had this not happened.