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A question and Update for those who remember me... =)

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lost2atranny posted 6/5/2013 20:57 PM

Not sure if anyone will even remember me. But I want to thank everyone who ever gave me any advice at all on here. I remember laying awake in the floor of my children's bedroom typing on my phone just waiting to be validated by one of you... because at one point you were all I had.

I left him on Dec 28th. During these months, he has tried to be nice to me, has continuously tried to manipulate me and tried to put our children against me. Through the Discovery Process, I have found so much out. Its amazing how you can be married to someone you think you know. He had more than 6 other bank accounts I had no idea about, cashed out our Life Insurance Policy without my knowledge, has only given me 3 child support checks claiming he has "no money", hidden bonuses from me and been with more men and women than I care to know. We are scheduled for a pendentelite hearing next week and he wants shared custody of our children.

My question to you guys is: Do you think I should bring up the fact that he gave me an STD, slept around with prostitutes and transexuals in this type of hearing? It is only for custody and child support. Where do his sexual encounters come in, you know? Just thought I'd get your thoughts...

dreamlife posted 6/5/2013 21:03 PM

Huge hugs to you!

Are you in a Community Property state?

We have no atty said its all $ now but she managed to put in the *Infidelity* word in a response.

STBX admitted he is "bi" atty said the Judge would not care if he was pink, purple or blue at this point.

Someone else with more experience will be along soon to help you.

lost2atranny posted 6/5/2013 21:06 PM

Hi Dream...
Not sure what a Community Property State is.

He kept the house... I'm pretty sure he's about to lose it anyway. I got this beautiful little 2 bedroom condo that I have made our home and wouldn't trade it for anything in this world!!

Best of luck to you! And thank you for replying!

Nature_Girl posted 6/5/2013 21:06 PM

YES, his behavior is fair game for consideration of custody!!!!!!

That he has sexual encounters with men and TG individuals is not the main concern. That he has shrouded his life in a cloak of secrecy & financial deception speaks volumes. If he's in the habit of soliciting sex from strangers, that's a big concern which demonstrates his poor judgement. Would any of these partners have access to the children? Would one of these partners feel jilted at some point & come after your WH when your children are unfortunately with him?

I urge you to consider a full-on parenting evaluation. You will be able to bring into the open his financial deception, his unwillingness to support the children, his sexual hijinks, and tie it all up with a bow to highlight any unfitness as a parent. I also think this information needs to be brought up at your pendente lite hearing. It all matters. And what gets ruled on at a PL meeting sometimes turns into final custody orders down the road.

What does your lawyer say?

standingonmarble posted 6/5/2013 21:10 PM

It might not come in to play in a "No fault" state but it will always come into play with custody. Tell your lawyer everything, back it up with documentation and maybe, just maybe you can manipulate the final outcome to your wishes if he has something good to hide.

lost2atranny posted 6/5/2013 21:21 PM

My lawyer and I are on the same page. I will bring it up when she cross examines me on the stand. I am so scared and so damn nervous. It is all I can think about. =(

I literally printed every single disgusting thing I ever saw on his online profiles, online sex reviews of prostitutes, etc. Its a 2 inch binder full of pictures, emails and evidence that he was also on drugs, taking too many prescription drugs without needing them and very inconsistent with the children 's care. One minute he was super dad, the next minute he was ignoring them because he was "depressed". I honestly believe he only wants shared bc the child support he has to pay me is too much for him. His lawyer is a complete bitch and has threatened my lawyer and I saying he has evidence on me, etc. I have no idea what the hell he could have on me and even though I know I haven't done anything wrong that could make anyone even THINK about taking my girls away from me, it still scares me. This is a man who emotionally abused me for year s and manipulated me like no other. By the time I realized I was being abused I was starting to question my own judgement and believe I was crazy like he told me every day.

phmh posted 6/5/2013 21:29 PM

You'll probably want to talk to your lawyer about your plan, but I'd think you'd want to make sure your evidence is well-organized so that the salient parts jump out at the judge should s/he look at the evidence. A 2" binder is nice, but no judge is going to spend hours reading it.

I'd try to come up with some succinct bullet points of the most damaging things/summary of what you have and then index the documentation so you/the judge can easily find what is helpful.

Definitely listen to your lawyer and don't try to be the nice person here, giving in too much. Don't worry about his lawyer. That's what she's paid to do, and you don't want her to intimidate you. He's got nothing on you. It's a page from the cheater's handbook.

lost2atranny posted 6/5/2013 21:35 PM

Thank you, that's a good idea! The only thing is... its literally all good stuff. For example, pills with his friends names on it, open alcohol bottles and pills in his car, reviews he has written on his sexual encounters, emails back and forth between him and prostitutes, pictures of his bare ass on websites saying he is divorced, etc. I mean... what do I use??!

phmh posted 6/5/2013 21:41 PM

What I would do is go through and categorize everything. An item can be multiple categories. Number all of the pages. Then, come up with a legend, like:

Open intoxicant in car - pp. 1, 18, 325
E-mails with prostitutes - pp. 150-278
Dating site obscene pictures - pp. 45, 89-145

You can include it all; I'd just want to make sure that if you are looking for something it's easy to find. Also, maybe the judge doesn't care about prostitute e-mails, but would care about obscene pictures, for example. If the judge pages through and happens to stumble on prostitute e-mails, that doesn't help you. But if s/he can look at the table of contents and go directly to what they consider important, that should help.

You may want to run this past your lawyer before spending a lot of time on it. I just know when I'm given a lot of information all at once, I can get overwhelmed and miss some important things.

lost2atranny posted 6/5/2013 21:48 PM

Thank you! That is incredibly helpful!

lost2atranny posted 6/5/2013 21:49 PM

Right now I'm printing bank statements and I'm freaked out they will think I'm the SICKO because I had to make up names and pay for a membership just to have access to HIS sick pics. This world is twisted. =(

roughroadahead posted 6/5/2013 21:50 PM

Ignore his lawyer. It is a very common tactic, for some reason especially prevalent in the divorce bar, to be loud, obnoxious, and skirting the edge of threatening. Some lawyers like to make a show for their clients, and will yell at opposing counsel during settlement meetings and such. These people are assholes. Ignore them. The most important thing is not to hide anything from your L.

And ITA with phmh. See if you can get together some kind of summary of your evidence, a chart, some way of organizing it. Your L will be happy (to assign his clerk) to go through the whole thing, with the clock running the entire time. Give him your summary or chart or bullet points instead, referenced back to the binder. Some activities are likely more damaging than others, so your lawyer('s clerk) can focus his attention accordingly.

lost2atranny posted 6/5/2013 22:08 PM

Thanks! I'm trying not to freak out too much but I'm not a confrontational person and I get nervous at the very thought of being cross examined. I am not hiding anything from my lawyer and she seems to believe everything I told her about the emotional abuse. She says she only wishes it was easier to prove.

courageous posted 6/5/2013 22:12 PM

My ex used a personal injury lawyer and the attacks that were made against me were the following:

My moving in with my parents (with our kids since I was a sahm with a 1 yr old and 5 yr old) was a BIGGER betrayal than his affair.

That I should have just gotten over the affair

He had printed out some of my SI posts. One person said that sleeping pills and wine makes insomnia go away quickly. His lawyer accused me of taking pills and alcohol. On the stand I was able to say that what is said on SI is not necessarily what I do. I like to live so I don't mix pills with alcohol. And just because someone suggested something doesn't mean I do it. I took what was useful and left the rest.

Just a note SI is an annoymous website so if he doesn't know your username then they can't really prove any of your posts were written by you.

He can't hit you with liable which my Ex's lawyer tried..... It's not my fault the description of a f-ing a$$..... (You get the picture) could fit my ex.

The judge wasn't amused. The more his lawyer tries to attack you with ridiculous "evidence" the less likely the judge will have patience for your stbx.

It's okay to cry on the stand if you feel like it. You can ask for a small break. You might want to bring a bottle of water with you. My mouth got super dry. Our temporary custody hearing lasted ALL day. To say the least, my divorce was NOT amicable and I went in front of a judge 7 times...ex even refused to sign the decree because he disagreed with what he had already agreed upon in front of the judge.

If you need support or have more questions you can always PM me.

time2Bstronger posted 6/5/2013 23:10 PM

I was actually in bed reading on SI and just had to reply to you. I don't know if the laws are different in your state, but I am in very much the same position as you describe. I have a large file (copied twice and stashed in three different places). My SAWH's biggest mistake, according to my lawyers is that he posted pictures of my minor children on some of his sleazy sex sites. I have proof of this. Even without that, I copied all incriminating evidence, brought it to the law firm and they said SAWH would never get overnights or even unsupervised visitation due to his involvement with casual , strangers for sex. It is not safe for the children to be exposed to whatever he brings into his life. If you have not copied the info you have and given it to your lawyers, I would strongly advise you do so. It was actually validating when I saw my DIVORCE lawyer turn almost green looking over my documentation(hah I have been through hell- and even a seasoned divorce lawyer is shocked by this!)
I am so sorry for my kids, but WH hasn't even ried to be a part of their lives. In a way this helps me because:

A- healthwise, I do not want them exposed to his towels, hygiene products or body fluids.

B- I don't want any of the other deviants he associates with to know what my kids look like, where they live, go to school...maybe I am just paranoid but I want no aspect of his sickness to touch them. Geez, I screen anyone I hire to help around the house thoroughly.

confused615 posted 6/6/2013 12:21 PM

I remember you. Im so glad you left him!

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