Innocent flirting
No such thing. Why do you think it's ok to flirt when you're married?
Welcome, by the way. Sorry you had to be here, but its a big step to seek help.
It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier
Read through the info in the Healing Library. Here's the link - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp
Always starts out innocent.
There is also no such thing as "innocent flirting". Definition of flirt: 1. To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures. 2. To deal playfully, triflingly, or superficially So how exactly does flirting fit in with anyone other than your spouse?
To flirt is to attract attention towards ourselves. It validates us. It makes us feel as if people like us. It leads to deep, dark waters of danger.
Welcome to SI. I suggest reading the Healing Library. Lots of good stuff in there. Hope you stick around.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
Why did you accept the friend request? You need to figure out what you are looking for and what you are getting out from talking to these women so intimately.
You need to be completely open with your wife. Complete access to everything online and everything else.
I know the power of an online EA. It controlled my life for awhile. No more chatting online at all.
And you need to dig deep with your IC and within yourself to stop this behavior before it ruins your marriage.
You have been given great advise already.
I personally feel that you have continued to have these online affairs because they have always been rug-swept. You felt bad when you were caught yet as time passed you forgot how bad it hurt your wife and let yourself slide back into old patterns.
This time you need to really do some digging as to why you need this attention before these online affairs become physical.
I would like to recommend a book. "Emotional Infidelity" by Gary Neuman. It will help open you eyes to all the 'innocent' things and see that they aren't so innocent after all.
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
Are you still in counseling?
Simple litmus test. If your BS were looking over your shoulder as you did what you did (accepting a friend request, writing a flirtatious message, etc.) would they accept it? Or would they tell you how wrong it was?
Picture your BS looking over your shoulder all day if you need to.
x2.
It's clear that you allow yourself to have a "slippery slope" back into cheating, because you allow yourself to get drawn into these situations. The only way to "keep your nose clean" is to really draw a line. Not just a line in the sand ("I'll stop chatting on Facebook, since that's where I have the biggest problems"), but a hard line. NOW. YESTERDAY.
Your BS is hurt. She doesn't want to sit here all day and monitor everything you're doing. If she wanted to be your parent, she would have adopted you. She married you. With that comes some level of expectation of self-policing, which you've demonstrated at LEAST three times now by your own admission that you are completely incapable of doing because you permit yourself access back to the same things you've latched onto time and again.
I agree with SandAway. You need the focus of someone outside yourself to help show you that what you're allowing yourself to keep doing is poor behavior. Gary Neumann's book on Emotional Infidelity will give you some perspective, but even then, all we can do is lead a horse to water. The decision to be a better person isn't for your BS to decide, or for a forum of strangers to decide. Ultimately, it is for you to decide. And so far, it sounds as if you've been electing to pursue bad choices.
Your call.
