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Newest Member: MrsB (61169)

User Topic: online affair
Member # 39458
Stop  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to the site and have been cheating via online chat. I love my wife very much. But for reasons I can't seam to understand I am sorry to say, that this is my 3rd time being caught up in an on line chat. Even knowing its wrong and something I do consider cheating. Always starts out innocent. And slowly progresses into the wrong
direction. Innocent flirting gone
bad. I want nothing more than to succeed in my marriage and be the man she deserves. When caught times before I stopped everything
with intent to change for the better. Counciling... got ride of all messengers. Was keeping my nose clean then.... there was the friend request. And why am I so dumb.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 32428
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Innocent flirting

No such thing. Why do you think it's ok to flirt when you're married?

Welcome, by the way. Sorry you had to be here, but its a big step to seek help.

Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your BW have access to all of your accounts and electronic devices? That is one step that can help, but it isn't a solution. In order to really change, you have to find out why you do what you do. You have to figure out why you feel that "excitement" when things escalate. The excitement is often referred to as ego-stroking.

Read through the info in the Healing Library. Here's the link -

WH - 46 (crap...)
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6114 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tri-Cities
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always starts out innocent.
Nope. Try again. You are in those chat rooms searching for something. What are you looking for?

There is also no such thing as "innocent flirting".
Definition of flirt:
1. To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures.
2. To deal playfully, triflingly, or superficially

So how exactly does flirting fit in with anyone other than your spouse?

To flirt is to attract attention towards ourselves. It validates us. It makes us feel as if people like us. It leads to deep, dark waters of danger.

Welcome to SI. I suggest reading the Healing Library. Lots of good stuff in there. Hope you stick around.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get off chat. No FB chat, no IM, nothing.

Why did you accept the friend request? You need to figure out what you are looking for and what you are getting out from talking to these women so intimately.

You need to be completely open with your wife. Complete access to everything online and everything else.

I know the power of an online EA. It controlled my life for awhile. No more chatting online at all.

And you need to dig deep with your IC and within yourself to stop this behavior before it ruins your marriage.

"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55101 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, Welcome to SI.

You have been given great advise already.

I personally feel that you have continued to have these online affairs because they have always been rug-swept. You felt bad when you were caught yet as time passed you forgot how bad it hurt your wife and let yourself slide back into old patterns.

This time you need to really do some digging as to why you need this attention before these online affairs become physical.

I would like to recommend a book. "Emotional Infidelity" by Gary Neuman. It will help open you eyes to all the 'innocent' things and see that they aren't so innocent after all.

BH Tred
M 19yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people

Posts: 451 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 39458
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off thank you everyone for your feed back and the welcomeing. You really have no idea just how much I appreciate it. I'm not planning on leveing here. This site is one of the best things I've found for advice and really just a good slap in the face. I plan to check out this book that was mentioned by another user here.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only 6 weeks out from DDay (when my BH discovered my As). The big thing I have learned from SI is that I can't just "want to stop." I have to dig deep inside myself and figure out what void I was trying to fill, with the As.

Are you still in counseling?

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."

Posts: 1523 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: The First Coast
♂ 16472
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My A was online too. I used all the same lame excuses. It's just flirting. It's only online - nothing physical. You know what? When you sober up from whatever has you addicted to the online interactions, you see it all for the crock of bull it really is.

Simple litmus test. If your BS were looking over your shoulder as you did what you did (accepting a friend request, writing a flirtatious message, etc.) would they accept it? Or would they tell you how wrong it was?

Picture your BS looking over your shoulder all day if you need to.

BW(her)- 49, FWH (me) 52
4 month Online EA
M 27 years, together for 31
4 Daughters - 25, 22, 18 and 16
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4489 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Picture your BS looking over your shoulder all day if you need to.


It's clear that you allow yourself to have a "slippery slope" back into cheating, because you allow yourself to get drawn into these situations. The only way to "keep your nose clean" is to really draw a line. Not just a line in the sand ("I'll stop chatting on Facebook, since that's where I have the biggest problems"), but a hard line. NOW. YESTERDAY.

Your BS is hurt. She doesn't want to sit here all day and monitor everything you're doing. If she wanted to be your parent, she would have adopted you. She married you. With that comes some level of expectation of self-policing, which you've demonstrated at LEAST three times now by your own admission that you are completely incapable of doing because you permit yourself access back to the same things you've latched onto time and again.

I agree with SandAway. You need the focus of someone outside yourself to help show you that what you're allowing yourself to keep doing is poor behavior. Gary Neumann's book on Emotional Infidelity will give you some perspective, but even then, all we can do is lead a horse to water. The decision to be a better person isn't for your BS to decide, or for a forum of strangers to decide. Ultimately, it is for you to decide. And so far, it sounds as if you've been electing to pursue bad choices.

Your call.

Me: WS 34
Her: BS 37 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 7yo
M: 9 years
DDays: 2012/11/14-2013/02/05, 2013/03/09, 2016/02/19

Posts: 824 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 10

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