"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

modified79 posted 6/5/2013 22:26 PM

I'm new to the site and have been cheating via online chat. I love my wife very much. But for reasons I can't seam to understand I am sorry to say, that this is my 3rd time being caught up in an on line chat. Even knowing its wrong and something I do consider cheating. Always starts out innocent. And slowly progresses into the wrong
direction. Innocent flirting gone
bad. I want nothing more than to succeed in my marriage and be the man she deserves. When caught times before I stopped everything
with intent to change for the better. Counciling... got ride of all messengers. Was keeping my nose clean then.... there was the friend request. And why am I so dumb.

longroadhome posted 6/5/2013 22:36 PM

Innocent flirting

No such thing. Why do you think it's ok to flirt when you're married?

Welcome, by the way. Sorry you had to be here, but its a big step to seek help.

BaxtersBFF posted 6/5/2013 22:40 PM

Does your BW have access to all of your accounts and electronic devices? That is one step that can help, but it isn't a solution. In order to really change, you have to find out why you do what you do. You have to figure out why you feel that "excitement" when things escalate. The excitement is often referred to as ego-stroking.

Read through the info in the Healing Library. Here's the link - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp

Aubrie posted 6/5/2013 22:58 PM

Always starts out innocent.

Nope. Try again. You are in those chat rooms searching for something. What are you looking for?

There is also no such thing as "innocent flirting".
Definition of flirt:
1. To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures.
2. To deal playfully, triflingly, or superficially
So how exactly does flirting fit in with anyone other than your spouse?

To flirt is to attract attention towards ourselves. It validates us. It makes us feel as if people like us. It leads to deep, dark waters of danger.

Welcome to SI. I suggest reading the Healing Library. Lots of good stuff in there. Hope you stick around.

authenticnow posted 6/6/2013 05:29 AM

Get off chat. No FB chat, no IM, nothing.

Why did you accept the friend request? You need to figure out what you are looking for and what you are getting out from talking to these women so intimately.

You need to be completely open with your wife. Complete access to everything online and everything else.

I know the power of an online EA. It controlled my life for awhile. No more chatting online at all.

And you need to dig deep with your IC and within yourself to stop this behavior before it ruins your marriage.

SandAway posted 6/6/2013 06:47 AM

First off, Welcome to SI.

You have been given great advise already.

I personally feel that you have continued to have these online affairs because they have always been rug-swept. You felt bad when you were caught yet as time passed you forgot how bad it hurt your wife and let yourself slide back into old patterns.

This time you need to really do some digging as to why you need this attention before these online affairs become physical.

I would like to recommend a book. "Emotional Infidelity" by Gary Neuman. It will help open you eyes to all the 'innocent' things and see that they aren't so innocent after all.

modified79 posted 6/6/2013 08:58 AM

First off thank you everyone for your feed back and the welcomeing. You really have no idea just how much I appreciate it. I'm not planning on leveing here. This site is one of the best things I've found for advice and really just a good slap in the face. I plan to check out this book that was mentioned by another user here.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/6/2013 14:33 PM

I'm only 6 weeks out from DDay (when my BH discovered my As). The big thing I have learned from SI is that I can't just "want to stop." I have to dig deep inside myself and figure out what void I was trying to fill, with the As.

Are you still in counseling?

Listeningclosely posted 6/6/2013 16:44 PM

My A was online too. I used all the same lame excuses. It's just flirting. It's only online - nothing physical. You know what? When you sober up from whatever has you addicted to the online interactions, you see it all for the crock of bull it really is.

Simple litmus test. If your BS were looking over your shoulder as you did what you did (accepting a friend request, writing a flirtatious message, etc.) would they accept it? Or would they tell you how wrong it was?

Picture your BS looking over your shoulder all day if you need to.

KBeguile posted 6/6/2013 21:26 PM

Picture your BS looking over your shoulder all day if you need to.

x2.

It's clear that you allow yourself to have a "slippery slope" back into cheating, because you allow yourself to get drawn into these situations. The only way to "keep your nose clean" is to really draw a line. Not just a line in the sand ("I'll stop chatting on Facebook, since that's where I have the biggest problems"), but a hard line. NOW. YESTERDAY.

Your BS is hurt. She doesn't want to sit here all day and monitor everything you're doing. If she wanted to be your parent, she would have adopted you. She married you. With that comes some level of expectation of self-policing, which you've demonstrated at LEAST three times now by your own admission that you are completely incapable of doing because you permit yourself access back to the same things you've latched onto time and again.

I agree with SandAway. You need the focus of someone outside yourself to help show you that what you're allowing yourself to keep doing is poor behavior. Gary Neumann's book on Emotional Infidelity will give you some perspective, but even then, all we can do is lead a horse to water. The decision to be a better person isn't for your BS to decide, or for a forum of strangers to decide. Ultimately, it is for you to decide. And so far, it sounds as if you've been electing to pursue bad choices.

Your call.