SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

i always put my husband on a pedestal. he's handsome, the kindest person you will ever meet...everyone loves him...and i thought i was so lucky to have him. i thought his only flaw was that he was a little immature, but that "his beautiful" insides made up for that. he was wonderful...and i loved him with every part of my being...i knew that he was so special..and that i was the same to him.

well, my mother told me a long time ago..."honey, he is just a man."

i didnt understand that at the time.

now, i see if crystal clear. that is all he is. he is not special...or my knight in shining armor....or this beautiful person on the inside.

he has some nice qualities..but they are not magical...he is just a man.

as a matter of fact, he is a weak man. he is. i honestly dont think he was ready to get married when we did. sure we loved each other and had been together a long time..and were enamoured with each other..but he was painfully immature.

after the discovery of all of his lies and cheating these last few years...the false r...and now the true attempt at a real r....i clearly see that i have been married to a 40 year old "college kid." for him....getting married was holding him back. he still wanted to hang with his "boys", chase "girls"...do drugs in the bathroom bars, go to the bar....get drunk...so drunk that he was that guy in the bar who would be falling down...he was the one who always needed a ride home....got a dui...you know the kind of guy i am talking about? he was the "party guy"...he wanted to be the cool one,..the guy who all the other guys thought was cool...and could go hang out at his place...because his wife's "cool" with them hanging out.

he is the guy who thought he was "somebody" because he had a side chick....who was really "into him."

all of this makes him an immature kid in my eyes....with no respect, or value put on what life is really about. it was all about living a life based on BS for him. and it all came crashing down when he got "busted." just like a kid.

i'm venting...because i am angry tonight...but in looking back...that is what he was.

now, he is trying to be a good man....i think he finally "got it" and is working to get his shit together...i will give him that.

but he will never be my knight in shining armor again...and i definitely wont put him on a pedestal anymore...not ever...ever for i know exactly what he is capable of. and the minute i start to think of him being anything other than a man....i will remember how he would sneak out at night while i was sleeping to go and have sex with ow2 who is 15 years older than us...who he met on the internet, who has herpes by the way.

or how that sad morning, i looked in his phone and found a dirty text sent at 4am saying..."emotionally, you can't handle this dick that deep."

or how i found pictures, yes pictures of him with ow1 at the beach, and another one with her on his lap at her apartment during my pregnancy...i found the pictures on his secret email account.

nah...those prince charming days are over. i know what he is capable of.

in my eyes...he is just a weak, immature man...who got busted for being a stupid kid...and now he is trying to save his marriage and family. he's trying to be a better person...but he is nothing special at all to me....

he's just a man. and a weak one at that.

I am so sorry for your pain but your story resonates with me. Everyone loves my H, he is charming, the life of the party and everyone always told me how lucky I was to have such wonderful guy. Always a flirt but I thought he was harmless, til now that I know about his A.

He's not so charming now. Just like your H, just a man.....

Yes. I could have written your post. I also thought my husband was someone very special. He was always kind to me, treated me with respect (or so I thought),and was always the life of the party. I knew he was an alcoholic, but a functioning alcoholic. I also knew he could be very selfish and immature. Christmas always brought out the worst in him. If he didn't get what he thought he deserved from his family, I would have to hear about it for weeks afterward. It was very immature and I had told him about it numerous times.

As far as being just a man, I can see where your Mother got this. My poor mother put up with physical and emotional abuse all her life from my father who eventually left her for a crack whore when she was in her early 60's. I could never understand how she put up with it all those years. When I asked her she said she had been married before my father and her 1st husband was very abusive(worse than my father). I guess she considered it normal for a husband to be abusive to her. Even though she left him many times, she always went back. She was very co-dependent on my Dad. She passed away at the young age of 65 and my Dad died the following year at the age of 63. I always thought she died of a broken heart because she was never the same after he left her. When I went to pay her final phone bill, she had numerous calls to my Dad. I had to keep switching her # so he couldn't call and harrass her, then she would call him and I would have to switch it again.

I think we are programmed from an early age to want the storybook marriage. I am not talking about never having a disagreement, just the marriage I thought we had. Then when you discover that it isn't, you are heartbroken and just want what you thought you had back. But the bad part is you can never get that marriage back, it was never real to begin with.

I also think my WS should have never gotten married. He can't really put other people before himself and his wants and needs. Knowing this I know that he will probably cheat again because he refuses to fix the brokeness in himself. Even though he knows that if I catch him again, we will D, I don't think that will be enough to stop him. He knew I D'd my 1st husband for cheating, but that didn't stop him this time. Afterall as your Mother said, he's just a man... (((HUGS)))

Hi there, I could have written your post nearly word for word. My "kid" got busted too....always playfully "young at heart" and where I used to find that immaturity refreshing and just a cute part of him...well, post A, I loathe that "boyish charm". Add to that the fact he didn't really communicate any problems or complain ever (this lead me to create the illusion he was a my rock, SO strong)...Wrong, wrong...weak....it's so hard as you feel like you fell in love with an illusion. Mine too is trying hard to be a man now, but there are still these parts of him that come out every once in awhile.

but he will never be my knight in shining armor again...and i definitely wont put him on a pedestal anymore...not ever...ever for i know exactly what he is capable of.

Yeah, this bites. Big time.

I can relate. I thought my fiancé was the kindest man I ever met as well but he's just a man. I never blindly trusted him but I don't see him as uniquely wonderful anymore and I think it's normal not to after something as traumatic as an affair. I have started working on placing myself on a pedestal though. You are clearly a strong woman and you're much more deserving of that pedestal seat than him.

haha so funny how many of us could've written this same post...very well said...and I think we married the same man

I certainly can understand the feeling. I had the same struggles with my W. It shatters immature ways of thinking we have. I think this mindset grows from OUR needs. My IC showed me how I was putting her so high on the pedestal that she still hasn’t hit the ground, yet three years later. Guess what, they are people just like you and I. They have problems, poor coping skills, really bad boundaries. All true for me…

But guess what, I am just a man. I am just like your husband in many ways.

I am just a man that is not perfect. I am just a man who is strong, strong in resolve, strong in character, strong in my sense (now after this crap) . But I have character flaws, just like my W. Three years later, I know she hurts deeply for her choices. She has worked her ass off, and now sure it hurts her to never be put on a pedestal again. But I guess now I am satisfied with holding her hand, and walking together flaws, warts, and all. But as long as we keep holding hands, I don’t put her on a pedestal and she will know we are partners in pain, partners in joy, partners in tears. I am there to hand her a Kleenex now, because she is not up there on the pedestal but right here holding my hand. And someday soon she will again realize the gift we have as I pass her my whole heart and she can reach from where she is to grab it, Right here by my side

This shit hurts, it sucks , but with a true partner who wants to work and rebuild you won’t need these false ideas that he isn’t just a man. The man he will become will be enough for you to pass your heart to him again.

LHAP?

I could have written your post as well. WH and I married when he was 29 and I was 37. He is very immature, like stuck in adolescence.

I just call him "my person".

Admiring the qualities in another is fine but putting anyone on a pedestal should be avoided.

In order to place another above us, we have to consider ourselves as beneath them.

So don't do that.

I never put my WH on a pedestal, ever. He was a person...and sadly, he proved himself to be not a very good one. Fortunately, he is a far better person today than pre-affair.

No matter how hard your H works to fix the M he will never climb into that pedestal seat, he never belonged there...no one does ~ no one is perfect.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 11:09 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

I'm in the club too!

I always called my H a "social butterfly". He didn't necessarily like being the center of attention - he liked being everyone else's support person. Everyone except me.

He would start twitching if he didn't get to "hang out" at least once a month. He wrote things on FB and Twitter about how much he hated staying home every single night. He would go out of his way to help other people, but rarely would he help me.

I thought during those 6 years that I was being a good supportive wife and mother. I didn't want to be the ball and chain that wouldn't let him go have an occassional drink with his friends. Even though we talked about it multiple times, he would never put me/marriage at the top of his priority list. Ever. I was always down around 5th place. Friends, Job, Kids, Everyone Else, Me. Looking back, it's really sad how much I put up with - outside of the affairs.

Now, I see how broken he was and in turn, how broken he made me. He is Just a man. A man that I love. But a man that I proved to myself and to him that I can live without if any of that bullshit ever happens again!

He's just a man...

Yup, same over here sri, dear. Except, mine had many OW. I was pregnant twice and too busy working and taking care of them to notice...I busted mine, too. Along with a 5 month TT package. I got the combo of multiple PA's and alcoholism...

I just told him yesterday, I'm sad that we don't have "romantic" crazy love like we once had and like he did with ALL the OW. He got upset and I told him to just say OK.

I feel your pain, your post made me teary eyed...Big hug to you.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:22 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

(((sri624))) Yes they are just men, but they were men we trusted and gave our hearts to protect. Shame on them

It is tragic we even have to think this way isn't it? I too have the same type of emotionally retarded man you do and it was draining and exhausting. My WH went AWOL after our 1st child was born. It seemed he wanted no part in that type of responsibility. He has been irresponsible up until the last 7 months.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:29 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

thanks everyone for the replies...i really appreciate it.

you know why? because....i dont feel so alone in this mess. i feel like i have friends out there who really understand exactly what i am going through. and i need that. it is so hard to talk to people who have not dealt with this firsthand....most people think i am such a fool for taking him back after all he did. i do too sometimes i guess.

aside from my ic...and my mother...this is really the place i can come to talk about my feelings in depth.

thank you again, you guys.