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huRtZ413 posted 6/6/2013 06:10 AM

I feel that i have told my WH all things about my sexual encounter before our marriage during our brief breakup , where i was emotionally and what i got from it and even most sexual details that he pulled from me most i cant remember because its been years ago but its like hes pulling teeth asking questions i cant answer . on top of it all the details he does know he makes me feel just so horrible by reenacting them with me asking did he do it like that and i tell him to stop and i cry and ask why and he will pin me down to the bed and say no i want to know exactly how he did it and will proceed to " so was it like this " i can barely keep my composure . I guess im a MH i know i wasnt married but it was shortly after our break up that this happened and i did still love my then ex-BF and he still feels cheated because when we got back together and married he asked me what happened and i denied anything and everything because i wanted him so badly and didnt want to risk losing him in that sense i was selfish and denied him the truth and still up till know its been TT and i cant stop myself from being hesitant . he says its my my flaw that im just a born liar and i believe it . because he had a ONS and with in 24 hr period he came to confess and has put every effort into working on himself and our marriage and he feels i deserve only the very best of him but feels hurt that i continue to tt and minimize the nature of what me and the OM had . I was a teenager then and the guy was wayyyy older so my husband feel the OM took advantage of an "undeveloped mind" and in the eyes of the law he could be put away....but again i do tell him that its was my choice and it was a poor choice and would take it back if i could . I was insecure then with no path in front of me just skating through and thinking me and my WH wouldnt end up together so i went forward with life blah blah blah (my husband hates that i say that) and in that mindset at that time i made decisions i would later regret and even more so when the chance to be with my H came by. I wanted to say something but my selfishness and fear got in the way and having him to myself was all i wanted .
how do i handle this because i feel betrayed by him and his ONS but he has been honest our entire marriage and in some messed up way i dont feel like i deserve it all

Knowing posted 6/6/2013 06:23 AM

His focus on what you did should wane, it's a normal part of early recovery. The WS gets a little crazy too. Having said that I am concerned when you say he pinned you down and such. Are you guys in MC? IC? Conversations around infidelity are difficult, but they don't have to be so forceful. There are better ways to communicate.

TrustGone posted 6/6/2013 06:26 AM

You may get more responses in the madhatters thread in ICR forum. It sounds like you both could use some IC and MC to help get you past this hurdle. Just because he came clean about his ONS does not make him a saint in the infedelity world. If you were broke up and not married, you did not cheat on him and what you did during that time is really none of his business. However with that said, you still married him withholding this relationship you had while you were broken up. You did in a way lie and not give him the option of deciding whether he wanted to continue the relationship and get married. It is a very thin line there. He also does not have the right to pin you to the bed and ask questions. This is concidered abuse and you do not deserve to be treated that way. (((HUGS)))

SI Staff posted 6/6/2013 06:35 AM


According to SI definition, you are not a madhatter.

If you have any questions about this, please PM a moderator.


Bobbi_sue posted 6/6/2013 06:39 AM

I guess everyone has their own interpretation of "madhatter" but I don't consider you one. A liar (in the past) yes, but not a cheater. If you were broke up, you were broke up.

But it doesn't make much difference what it is called because the lying bothers some just as much as the cheating anyway.

Sounds like your H wants to blame the guy you had sex with...I would not call him OM. You weren't married and were broke up from the BF at the time. You say you were a teen and the guy was way older. I have no respect for people (men or women) that want to be with someone WAY younger than themselves but unless you were under the legal age for consent in your state, it is not a legal issue, and I agree you should take responsibility for your choice to do that at the time. I agree with other advice given that it sounds like you both have a lot to work out. Wishing you the best!

confused615 posted 6/6/2013 07:30 AM

He holds you down,pins you to the bed,and proceeds to have sex with you..after you have told him to stop..after you are crying and telling him to stop..he doesn't stop. And he has done this repeatedly.

I consider this to be sexual abuse. I don't care if he feels you betrayed him..I don't care if he feels you lied to him..I don't care if he's your husband...he has NO right to pin you down and make you have sex with him after you have told him to stop. he is abusing you..he is humiliating you and degrading you.

I have read your posts..and I think he is full of shit..I think he's lying about how it happened...and I think he is using your "cheating" on him as an excuse to abuse you.

You deserve far better than this.

Since this is the R forum,Im going to respect the rules and not call this "man" what he deserves to be called.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:31 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

huRtZ413 posted 6/6/2013 08:48 AM

He didn't pin me down and have sex with me I was fully clothed . So was he , but he did pin me down and force the ways I told him things happened then coming up with his own conclusions about what he thinks was left out . In the end I told him I would leave if he continued to take it so far because I was very uncomfortable and i felt violated and I did feel degraded when he forced me to moan how I did for the other guy! It's was horrible . I regret my decision to get involved with someone at all . I didn't think me and my WH would ever get back together and I was trying to move forward . Then when the chance to get back with him came I was terrified to say what I had done and risk the love of my life . I finally had a chance to have him and my parents or anybody couldnt stop me being we weren't allowed to see or be with each other . I was paralyzed with the fear of tellin him and because I knew I wouldn't be here today had I told him even he admits it that we wouldnt have happened and made a choice for him and to a degree he says that if it had to play out the way it did to insure that we ended up together and had our girls he would take me back all over again . That makes me sad because I never saw it that way that I took a choice . then he says well had to told me we wouldn't have gotten married but maybe we would have tried to be together again . I do feel like a horrible person for keeping this secret and for years I thought about it because there was this elephant in the room I did truly hate it . And when he told me he cheated I was devastated and sick but he showed me a courage I never seen before and I then told him I deserved this because I held a secret for years . Then and there he knew what I was trying to tell him. ( he was prepared to get this guy) who is he! he yelled! That night was the worst and many nasty night after about him and about me and how we're both Hurt and how we both still live each other and he doesn't want me to leave and I don't want him to eventually change his mind years down that he wants to leave . We're both in MC an he does better in our sessions than I do even though it was my idea . I just don't know what to tell the MC that me and him haven't already talked about or said about our encounters

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 9:00 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

sisoon posted 6/6/2013 13:46 PM

It still sounds like abuse to me.

If I understand your sitch correctly, you had broken up. You had no claim on each other and no commitment to each other. I don't see how you can be considered to be a cheater.

If your H2B wanted to keep you committed, he should have prevented the breakup.

I think you were a free agent, and in most ways he had no right to know anything about your activities during the breakup. He asked a question he had no right to ask. You lied, but ... if I asked my W an illegitimate question, and she lied, I don't think I'd have much of a leg to stand on if I complained.

You did owe each other a clean bill of health, however - did you get tested for STDs? Did he? Remember - both of you were free agents, so both of you should have gotten tested.

Your behavior sounds pretty clean here, which makes your H's behavior pretty questionable. He needs to focus on himself, not you, to heal himself. His focus on your actions prevents him from making the changes he needs to make to become a good M partner.

And given what you say, he's gaslighting you in a big way to get you to see yourself as a problem.

He seems to think of you as his property, not as his partner....

Maybe you're having difficulty in MC because of the way he treats you and the way he avoids owning his own issues.

Also, gently, in seeing yourself as a liar and a cheater, and in defending his physical abuse, IMO you're oppressing yourself. IC is a good way to learn to stop doing that.


[This message edited by sisoon at 1:49 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

huRtZ413 posted 6/6/2013 14:08 PM

being that i was about 16-17 i took the word of the older guy then 30 that it was ok and he was safe so no i didn't bother getting tested after all he said he was safe , nor did the WH then ex-bf because he was deployed the whole time on ship and wasn't involved with anyone . We both did end up clean thankfully because i had tests done throughout the years for pregnancy and well womens and him because the military makes it mandatory had he came up with something they would have made him tell me . Even now were clean because he used a condom though i am requiring that he get tested again in six months time . i did say that this treatment could no longer continue because i would be forced to leave despite how much i love him he agreed and cried and broke down saying he was just so hurt because all he could do when we were broke up was think of me and what he did so wrong that i ended it . that in a sense he feels cheated because i lied about it and because i still had his heart that he never stopped loving me .

sisoon posted 6/7/2013 10:33 AM

he was just so hurt because all he could do when we were broke up was think of me and what he did so wrong that i ended it . that in a sense he feels cheated because i lied about it and because i still had his heart that he never stopped loving me .

You were very young, and this sounds like a normal level or immaturity for both of you during your breakup, but...

How do you feel now about your actions during the breakup? What do you feel you owed H2B while you were apart?

(Hint: You say he messed up, so you broke up. You have the right to decide who to spend time with, and it was perfectly OK for you to send him away. IMO, that means you had no commitment to him, even though he wanted to be with you. The fact that he feels cheated is just another aspect of his not taking responsibility for himself and his actions.)

Darkness Falls posted 6/8/2013 09:45 AM

You're not a cheater. I feel that your H is using this as a way to take some of the focus off of his behavior.

I do disagree with sisoon though about your H having no right to ask about what you did during the breakup. Our actions do affect how our partner perceives us, whether we were together at the time or not. Each partner has the right to potentially deal-breaking information about their own lives, IMO. Isn't that what's always preached on SI?

The things my XH did after our breakup, especially his "relationship" with my xBFF, are absolutely my business, as it would be had he developed a life-altering disease or ended up on the list of America's Most Wanted. It's all part of who he is, and if I'm going to be in a relationship with him, I need to know who he is.

But you are NOT a cheater. Don't let him bully you into thinking you are just because it makes him feel better.

sisoon posted 6/8/2013 12:04 PM

hb, I think you're right - he has a right to ask, and he has a right to some info.

I don't think I have a right to judge my W's behavior (or her) before we committed to each other, but if she did dangerous stuff, I should be able to consider it in my decision to commit or not.

Holly-Isis posted 6/8/2013 18:09 PM

IMO the 30yo victimized you as a teen and now your H is forcing you to relive it. Yes he has a right to know your sexual history before you M.

But the way he's coming about it is harmful. He's compounding what're hurts you had from the situation with the 30yo. This is what you need to talk about in MC. How to be able to talk about what happened without further victimizing you.

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