I'M ON THE FENCE
We are in R.
According to SI definition, you are not a madhatter.
If you have any questions about this, please PM a moderator.
But it doesn't make much difference what it is called because the lying bothers some just as much as the cheating anyway.
Sounds like your H wants to blame the guy you had sex with...I would not call him OM. You weren't married and were broke up from the BF at the time. You say you were a teen and the guy was way older. I have no respect for people (men or women) that want to be with someone WAY younger than themselves but unless you were under the legal age for consent in your state, it is not a legal issue, and I agree you should take responsibility for your choice to do that at the time. I agree with other advice given that it sounds like you both have a lot to work out. Wishing you the best!
I consider this to be sexual abuse. I don't care if he feels you betrayed him..I don't care if he feels you lied to him..I don't care if he's your husband...he has NO right to pin you down and make you have sex with him after you have told him to stop. he is abusing you..he is humiliating you and degrading you.
I have read your posts..and I think he is full of shit..I think he's lying about how it happened...and I think he is using your "cheating" on him as an excuse to abuse you.
You deserve far better than this.
Since this is the R forum,Im going to respect the rules and not call this "man" what he deserves to be called.
[This message edited by confused615 at 7:31 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 9:00 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
If I understand your sitch correctly, you had broken up. You had no claim on each other and no commitment to each other. I don't see how you can be considered to be a cheater.
If your H2B wanted to keep you committed, he should have prevented the breakup.
I think you were a free agent, and in most ways he had no right to know anything about your activities during the breakup. He asked a question he had no right to ask. You lied, but ... if I asked my W an illegitimate question, and she lied, I don't think I'd have much of a leg to stand on if I complained.
You did owe each other a clean bill of health, however - did you get tested for STDs? Did he? Remember - both of you were free agents, so both of you should have gotten tested.
Your behavior sounds pretty clean here, which makes your H's behavior pretty questionable. He needs to focus on himself, not you, to heal himself. His focus on your actions prevents him from making the changes he needs to make to become a good M partner.
And given what you say, he's gaslighting you in a big way to get you to see yourself as a problem.
He seems to think of you as his property, not as his partner....
Maybe you're having difficulty in MC because of the way he treats you and the way he avoids owning his own issues.
Also, gently, in seeing yourself as a liar and a cheater, and in defending his physical abuse, IMO you're oppressing yourself. IC is a good way to learn to stop doing that.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:49 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]
he was just so hurt because all he could do when we were broke up was think of me and what he did so wrong that i ended it . that in a sense he feels cheated because i lied about it and because i still had his heart that he never stopped loving me .
You were very young, and this sounds like a normal level or immaturity for both of you during your breakup, but...
How do you feel now about your actions during the breakup? What do you feel you owed H2B while you were apart?
(Hint: You say he messed up, so you broke up. You have the right to decide who to spend time with, and it was perfectly OK for you to send him away. IMO, that means you had no commitment to him, even though he wanted to be with you. The fact that he feels cheated is just another aspect of his not taking responsibility for himself and his actions.)
I do disagree with sisoon though about your H having no right to ask about what you did during the breakup. Our actions do affect how our partner perceives us, whether we were together at the time or not. Each partner has the right to potentially deal-breaking information about their own lives, IMO. Isn't that what's always preached on SI?
The things my XH did after our breakup, especially his "relationship" with my xBFF, are absolutely my business, as it would be had he developed a life-altering disease or ended up on the list of America's Most Wanted. It's all part of who he is, and if I'm going to be in a relationship with him, I need to know who he is.
But you are NOT a cheater. Don't let him bully you into thinking you are just because it makes him feel better.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
I don't think I have a right to judge my W's behavior (or her) before we committed to each other, but if she did dangerous stuff, I should be able to consider it in my decision to commit or not.
But the way he's coming about it is harmful. He's compounding what're hurts you had from the situation with the 30yo. This is what you need to talk about in MC. How to be able to talk about what happened without further victimizing you.