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hemademesingle posted 6/6/2013 06:58 AM

My son is getting married in October to a girl from the US, the wedding is in the states, but they are going to reside in Canada,

I know proper etiquette is for the grooms family to not host the bridal shower, but are to attend the bridal shower thrown by the brides family,I have read that with the distance that it is okay for the grooms family to have a shower, this is the only way that I can think of for her to meet family that will be attending wedding,

My problem really is in that the bride wants to plan it,she wants to pick a theme, the food, games, here our showers are surprises for the bride, not planned by the bride. I had planned on telling her when it was going to be just because of the distance, so she could book time off work,

I'm trying to find a tactful way of getting her to get it, when she first started discussing her shower in Canada, I expressed that I really only needed to know what date she is available to come, because here showers are a surprise, when she said she didn't know what games she wanted played, I told her not to worry that one of my friends is in charge of the naughty games,actually one of the games we are making is a get to know the bride

I don't want to offend her, but I also don't want her planning her own bridal shower, the grooms grandma, his sister, and several elderly aunts are all eager to help host the shower, as they want her to feel welcomed into the family.

When I told her I just needed to know the day, and I would take care of everything else, she didn't seem to get it, what's another nice way to tell her

simplydevastated posted 6/6/2013 07:56 AM

Bridal showers are usually a surprise in the states, too. I've never heard of a bride planning or even helping to plan a shower. I wanted to help with the guest list because there were people I wanted to invite that weren't there, but because it was a surprise I couldn't do that.

Maybe you could try and tell her that because she's going to be busy will the wedding plans that you're taking caring of the shower in Canada and since it is in Canada it'll be easier for you because it's local for you and not her. kwim?

Good Luck

Amazonia posted 6/6/2013 08:35 AM

How old is she? A lot of women my age (20s) are becoming more involved in this stuff, especially if they've helped their friends plan these sorts of things for other peoples' weddings. A lot of brides have increasingly high expectations of what their showers/wedding related events will be as well - for right or for wrong.

How close are you to the bride?

I would recommend calling her and saying, "Don't worry about the planning. I will take care of everything. You have enough to plan with the wedding, so for this one, all you have to do is show up ready to have fun."

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/6/2013 08:37 AM

I agree with Ama, be to the point, but polite.

Also- she may just be nervous. I know I was very nervous for my family and his family to get together if I couldn't "control" the situation. Just let her know it'll all be ok!!

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/6/2013 11:10 AM

My problem really is in that the bride wants to plan it

Is your son marrying my daughter!?! Seriously, my dd is just like this!

I have thrown the etiquette book away because my DD is so opinionated about the whole ordeal it's just easier.

My H's family had a shower for me when we got married. His aunt threw it and all of his side of the family went to that one. My aunt hosted the shower for my side of the family. The only ones that went to both were my bridesmaids that could make it.

My dd wants to have just 1 big shower - and, of course, she wants me to pay for it all, yet she wants total control over everything. Her bridesmaids wanted to get the cake - she told them no. I asked the bridesmaids to each make up a prize basket (my dd loves games so is planning several) - my dd had a hissy fit as she doesn't want her girls to spend any $$. Not sure where she thinks my money tree is planted!

ANYHOW - back to YOUR issue. Honestly, it's her wedding; her shower. Have a frank talk with her - she may be the type of person that just doesn't get *hints*. But let her take the lead. Really, what does it really matter so long as everyone enjoys themselves.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/6/2013 11:12 AM

A lot of brides have increasingly high expectations of what their showers/wedding related events will be as well - for right or for wrong.

I think AMA nailed it! Younger brides these days really are taking more control over their weddings, showers, etc.

Sad in AZ posted 6/6/2013 11:39 AM

Maybe it's regional or cultural, but I've never heard of the groom's family hosting the bridal shower--that was always the job of the bridal attendants. In my family, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner.

When I got M, my shower was a surprise, but with my DIL, she was involved with the planning and execution of the showers -2 different cities.

solus sto posted 6/6/2013 21:10 PM

Even Emily Post now says it's okay for the groom's mom/family to throw a shower (it used to be that neither family "could")---the "rules" have relaxed a lot. (In this neck of the woods, though, neither family ever throws a shower still; for weddings, the attendants do. And I've never heard of or attended a surprise shower, except in my office, though sometimes the theme is a surprise. It's really regional.)

I think it's nice that you're planning a party so that everyone can get together before the wedding, especially given the international nature of the wedding.

Really, the bride's role is simply to let you know good dates, and provide a guest list.

As lovely as she may be otherwise, you've got a bit of a bridezilla on your hands. In your shoes, I would (very nicely) say, "You know what's so great about weddings? That there is a party for EVERYONE to throw. The wedding is your party, and I'll be your guest. The shower is MY party, and you'll be the guest of honor. But just like you're planning your wedding, I will plan the shower."

Subtlety isn't working. She won't "get it" otherwise.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:13 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

metamorphisis posted 6/6/2013 22:24 PM

We threw a bridal shower for my sister inlaw. It's common around here to have more than one and we have a HUGE family so we felt as the grooms sisters it would be nice of us to take that burden off her family. We planned almost everything but were careful to keep in mind what she was comfortable with. For example "naughty games" with my grandmother and great Aunts would have mortified pretty much all of us so we ran plans by her that we felt might be something she wanted input on. My sister inlaw in a wonderful person who I love dearly (seriously adore her) and I just wanted her to feel loved and have fun.
Just be honest. You could say I have this and that planned but I'd like to know if there is anything that worries you. It's a good time for a honest dialogue and I don't think it needs to be secretive.

hemademesingle posted 6/7/2013 05:50 AM

Thank you everyone, I just wasn't sure if showers had changed that much, to answer a few questions

Yes the grooms family is doing the traditional rehearsal dinner, and the brides family is doing all the traditional things that they do

She is young 24, and I don't really know her all that well, in the 3 years they have been together, I have spent about 60 days with her,

The naughty games was a joke, my elderly mom will be there, as well as some of my elderly aunts, plus I don't know the brides mom, so I wouldn't want to offend her, as she is attending also. The one game that I am working on is a get to know the bride, can't have anything that is too hard due to elderly relatives

The bride is here visiting now, so I had taken her to see the venues that are available to use, I had her number them as to which one she preferred, and when she confirms the date for the beginning of September that she can be here, then I can see which ones are available

I just want her to enjoy the shower, get to know her future family and friends better, some of our relatives have never met her,

I already have a list of 67 guests for the shower,that's just girls,

I have not invited anyone that is not invited to the wedding,

I have several different menus planned out, depending on whether it's an indoor or outdoor event, and time of day, even thought of doing like an afternoon tea kind of shower, if it becomes a co-ed shower then the food will be grilled, I think that I'm leaning towards a cupcake tree of assorted cupcakes, instead of a cake

I don't mind if she gives me ideas, like favorite colour, flowers, I don't even mind if she tells me a theme that she wants,

I just wasn't sure if she did the planning and I did the work and money. They at least went and registered at places here, and I have suggested that the shower here in Canada be a gift card tree, they don't get there own place here in Canada until October,which is after the shower, and they need everything because they have both only lived at home, where everything is provided for them, of course they both have computers, tvs, and other various electronic stuff

I have been building them a kitchen box, with assorted pantry items, I figure then they will at least have food for when they return from their honeymoon

One more question is do they give little thank you gifts to all guests at the shower?

Hope24 posted 6/7/2013 05:58 AM

It sounds like you're doing a great job incorporating her preferences.

One more question is do they give little thank you gifts to all guests at the shower?

Yes, favors are traditional and expected.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/7/2013 06:40 AM

My dd is making a sugar scrub for her thank you/favors with a card that says "From my shower to yours" I thought that was a cute idea!

Hope24 posted 6/7/2013 07:12 AM

What a cute idea, LTHM!

LA44 posted 6/7/2013 08:35 AM

Hey hemademesingle: As a former wedding planner, may I suggest one word...COMPROMISE.

Ask her what 2-3 things she REALLY wants to have at her shower. Then let her know she will get those things but please leave the rest to you.

I live in Canada and one shower I had zero control over, the other I was asked for input. I only let my hosts know whom I would like to attend bc there are always a few people from work, etc. that family is not aware of. I also requested NO GAMES bc....well...so not me!

Anyway, compromise is the one word to keep front and centre!

LA44 posted 6/7/2013 08:37 AM

And yes. Typically little take-away gifts are given.

Good luck!