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Catch 22 - Lovely

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Dadtryingtocope posted 6/6/2013 09:08 AM

So I am trying to get through the last major hurdle with my D. The marital home which I got to keep and fought hard to keep. I am in the final steps trying to get a closing set. She was required to sign a quit claim deed which turns over the house to me which her attorney is holding (she signed based on his letters to my attorney). Problem is I need at least a copy of the signed deed to close. Closing will activate the process of her getting her payout on the house. The title company won't close or turn over her check without the deed. Her attorney may decide they won't turn over the deed without the check. I could write a check to hold for the amount but it would be rubber all the way. I'm also up against my time limit on the lock on my rate. I sent an email to my attorney and the EW to get all parties on board. Told my attorney to talk to her attorney. Told her to talk to her attorney and request at least a copy of the deed in return my mortgage company would provide copy of HUD which shows she will get her money.

So far - nothing, no responses, nothing. chirp chirp.

This is bullshit. I'm doing all the work to keep the house our kids have grown up in, to keep them in their school district where my oldest gets the services he needs as an Aspie. I gave up all of my things to keep the kids here. She's off buying a brand new condo, engaged to the POS, having me to double her income every month. After nine months of taking shot after shot I could be looking at a final kick to the groin. If I don't close a deal within a 90-day period (probably around 70 days currently) I'm required by our agreement to sell. Wouldn't that be great.

Sorry to vent but I'm mad today and I hate being in the dark on this with the deadlines so close. These are the days that I just sit and think F-it, I'll sell and leave and then she can figure it out and we'll fight for custody. I'm holding on for my kids but JHC how much do you take before you just give up? Part of me thinks she wants it to go to sale because that puts more money in her pocket. I would hope she wouldn't do that because of the implications to her kids.

For now I am trying to breath and relax. I have a few hours yet before the closing deadline for today passes. If it doesn't happen by Monday then rate expires and we are looking at costing me more money. Money I don't really have. While many have come to me financially to say they would help, I don't want to do it that way. If I can't make it happen on my own, then it just isn't meant to happen. I have too much pride. But I'll fight for the good of the kids as long as I can.

DeadMumWalking posted 6/6/2013 09:57 AM


I'm sorry she is being such an ass, I hope she figures out that being a good parent to her children is much more important than whatever high she is getting out of this childish passive aggressive bullshit.


5454real posted 6/6/2013 10:09 AM

Hey brother, was in a similar sitch with the ex from my first M. What a bitter taste it was, swallowing my pride for my son and accepting $$$ from my parents. Felt like I wasn't a success in life(read failure).

I set up a repayment schedule with them and have done so over and above the obligation. Raised my son the way I needed to for his stability. Really sucked to accept the help, but in retrospect, my folks are proud of me and were really happy to help. (Wouldn't have done it if it would have affected their finances in a significant way though.)

Don't cut off your nose. Makes it hard to sneeze politely.


Dadtryingtocope posted 6/7/2013 08:45 AM

Thanks. I'm not at the point I need to borrow but also not in a comfort zone either.

Still no action as of today. On Monday my rate will expire and I will either have to extend it (at a cost to me) or lock a new rate (rates are a little higher now). Either way cost to me. I'm looking at telling my attorney if her side can't play ball, I'll extend the rate time and charge her to do it. I'll hold it from her monthly check and she can take me to court. My line is drawn as I have stated and I am not paying her anymore than I do already.

Coincidentally she gets to close on a brand new condo today, probably buying it with her brand new fiance, probably with the money I gave her.

Add to it I was supposed to be out of town today meeting some college friends. I had to back out so I could see if I could get this deal done.

Today rocks.

Nature_Girl posted 6/7/2013 10:15 AM

Hope you're burning up the phone or even planning to show up somewhere in person to get the deal done!

Dadtryingtocope posted 6/7/2013 13:18 PM

Problem is I can do NOTHING.

So glad I stayed home from my trip out of town with the guys today. After hours of emails to everyone I am no further along.

She has the deed which turns the house over to me.

The mortage company won't close without the deed.

Her attorney won't turn over the deed without the payment of her part of the house.

Somebody is wrong here.

Meanwhile the closing needed to happen Wednesday. Now they are telling me there is an extension needed at cost to me. What? Let me get this right, you called me Wednesday and said we need to close today and you need to get the deed. I bust my ass for 3 days with nothing coming out of her end as usual. And now you want to soak me for more money?

She is already trying to get more money claiming I took money out of an account during negotiations. I provided documentation back to her attorney that shows I indeed DID NOT. From what I can tell she didn't give him any proof but yet he fired off a letter to me stating I needed to pay her half the money to make this right. WTF?

So here I am, no closing again today. Getting blamed for taking money I didn't take (but wish I had now). Staring at an extension charge on my loan. Attorney's and mortgage guys on different page. Oh and btw, my rate expires Monday so if we don't do something you look at a 0.5% jump in the rate.

I have battled so hard to keep this house for my kids. I gave up all the cash and cars and retirement funds and everything else that was mine for them. And I just keep getting f-d on this thing. I think part of it is her and her now fiance trying to bleed me dry. At some point I have nothing left. At some point I will just be so tired of battling and trying to hold on. This might be my last stand on the house. I will fight on for now, I came this far so I have to keep battling. But even the smartest Generals know when the war is lost and the casualty numbers are either too high or risk being too high.

What say you my friends?

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 1:24 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

hopingforhappy posted 6/7/2013 13:26 PM

Your attorney should be able to hold the money that goes to her in his trust account. Or the closing attorney (if it is someone different) could agree to disburse the funds directly to her. There is a solution to this problem out there, assuming that she is willing to trust the attorneys. Really, she should, because messing with funds held in trust is a quick way to get in disciplinary trouble, so most attorneys are very careful about that.

ETA: Ok, we cross-posted and I just read the part about her wanting more money from you. So, this is not really about paying her before she gives up the deed, this is about her taking advantage of the situation to get more $$. The timing gives her great leverage over you. You really have no time to get the deed from her through the court system. I am sorry that she is doing this and that her lawyer is helping her. It just is not right.

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 1:44 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

Ashland13 posted 6/7/2013 13:31 PM

I'm really sorry, Dad.

Some similar things are going on here. Finally I filed, finally I agreed to sell the house, both against my own heart...and now the feet dragging. Holding up the D and starting the selling process are both happening, yes.

I have several thoughts on it all and I don't know if anyone will agree.

The first is control and yes, passive aggression. Perv said he thought I controlled everything, when I just was trying to get his help to get things done. So he saved up all his anger and IC says this is his way of feeling any kind of control. The passive part is when they were with us and didn't share their unhappiness or feelings and went through motions. They saved it all up inside.

The other thing I think is like you say in your post...your WW is off buying a condo and nesting with OM and you are bearing the weight of your family and home. She is living her new life already just like Perv living at OW's house, so really, why would they be in a hurry?

It's us that are needing the changes as BS and they know that...they know it, so it's also maybe a little bit of control to keep us in this purgatory and make little boxes for us not to escape from ...such as the forms we need to complete processes to complete moving on with our lives.

I've asked people why he won't just hand over the forms and be done...he wanted the divorce, the end, but the end won't come with the feet dragging, as your WW is doing...but I suspect they may also like thinking we are in a box. They have things we need-the forms-so there's that bit of power they wanted. It's not enough to "just" have the OPs, when more destruction can be done.

I'm sorry for your hard time and cancelled plans. That's happened here, too, just like trying to remain in the school system. A repeated hard time he makes here is being inconsistent for DD and I'm sorry your kids have it, too.

They are lucky to have you in their corner.

Nature_Girl posted 6/7/2013 13:42 PM

I would be up the mortgage company's ass telling them that I wanted an extension on that loan rate. Detail for them the lengths you have gone to try and close this deal in the timeframe they requested. The loan officers have a degree of latitude, they could extend the time the rate expires. It won't be free, probably, but it's worth asking/begging.

Dadtryingtocope posted 6/7/2013 13:45 PM

Thanks Ashland.
Yes on top of everything else I have to deal with them buying a new house together or at least moving in together. In reality a home I am buying and paying for. But I try not to think about it.

But do you think she would do that in the school district her kids go to school in? Nope, she did it in a neighboring school district. So again, if deals fall through for me, if I can't make the house work, whatever, who is on the hook to keep the kids in a comfortable place. Me. As I've stated before, I do 80% of the work or more and shell out 80% of the money. Not sure who came up with this and said it was fair.

hfh - She cannot get paid directly at closing. In PA there is a 3 day rescission clause. The loan does not fund until 3 days after closing. She can choose to take a check or they will direct deposit the funds. But they will not close without the quit claim deed. Thus the catch 22. The attorneys need to work it out and agree. But it is happening at great expense to me.

hopingforhappy posted 6/7/2013 13:53 PM

At first I was thinking that her problem was she did not trust you to pay her what she was due, so she wanted the money before she gave the deed. That's why I suggested that the attorney hold the money in trust for her. Even with the three day recission, she would be protected because they were holding the money for her and you could not take off with it.

After getting more information, I don't think that is the case--I think she is just trying to hold you up for more money. I am so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully, you will find a solution. Unfortunately, these things take time and you don't have much. Nature_Girl made a good suggestion.

Dadtryingtocope posted 6/7/2013 13:54 PM

Nature girl - yes it won't be free. As a matter of fact the cost is 0.25% of the loan value. So not cheap at all. My mortgage guy is working with me but I'm irritated with him too because he dumped this on me Wednesday as well. Had he told me a week ago he needed that deed I could of been on it. So a lot of fault to pass around here but the only one paying is me and I would like to think I had the least fault. I told my attorney that she held this up by not providing the deed (which was already signed) on Wednesday when asked. All be it short notice. So she should be covering the cost of the extension. Not me. I need my attorney to step up and start being a prick on this one. In my pissed off opinion that is.

Skan posted 6/7/2013 17:08 PM

While many have come to me financially to say they would help, I don't want to do it that way. If I can't make it happen on my own, then it just isn't meant to happen. I have too much pride.

Gently, maybe you should reconsider taking out a short-term loan from your friends? Is this the hill that you want to die on? This isn't about you, it's about your kids. You know that she's doing this to screw you over. Let those who love you help you to thumb your nose at her.

Dadtryingtocope posted 6/10/2013 08:27 AM

So another critical milestone today on this. BUT one good phiece is that we called her out on the claim against me about taking money from a joint money market account. So there were two checks she claimed I wrote and took money from:

1 check was written in early August 2012 - weeks before my dday and more than a month before I filed. For school taxes.

2nd check was written in December 2012 and was written to her and she cashed it.

She apparently did no due dillegence on the accusation. Just looked at statements and didn't bother to find out what the two checks were written for. Worst of all was the fact one was to her which was a good faith on my part to get her money prior to our deal being done.

Somebody's got a little egg on their face now. Including her attorney who wrote me the letter accusing me of taking money with no proof included. Game on now bitches!

I still need to get my house closing done. Needs to happen today or I have to have a second (and final) rate extension. They are blocking the deal because they hold the quit claim deed I need to close. So this keeps costing me money to extend rates. If I lose my locked rate it actually goes up almost a full point based on current rates. Very frustrating that I am ready to finalize this and they can block me.

Keeping the faith that the legal system will have my back here since she signed the deal to turn over the house and is now blocking that from happening.

SBB posted 6/10/2013 08:40 AM

Keeping the faith that the legal system will have my back here since she signed the deal to turn over the house and is now blocking that from happening.

I thank the stars every single day that we sold the house during False R.

I'm so sorry she is being such an arsehole. For people so ready to burn down their marriages they sure do like to get into some stupid battles that delay its full and complete ending.

Dadtryingtocope posted 6/10/2013 12:50 PM


Now I just need to close on the loan.

Today - winning!

DeadMumWalking posted 6/10/2013 13:29 PM


I'm so glad this is moving forward!!!

Nature_Girl posted 6/10/2013 13:36 PM

YAY! Happy Dance for you!!!

alphakitte posted 6/10/2013 13:44 PM

Phew! Victories!

Kajem posted 6/10/2013 14:01 PM


Go get that house DDTC!!! Then Chillax!!



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