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jojo42 posted 6/6/2013 09:51 AM

My husband and I are taking it day by day right now since all the truths of his A finally came out Sunday (I had been rug-sweeping for some time)...IC started a couple days ago, MC starts Tuesday. My husband has agreed to a NC contract, but has brought up the possible need for closure with the OW. It hurts me because I know he has feelings for her and cares about her, and I just want her to vanish. I know he is very possibly missing her (even though he doesn't admit that). I told him he doesn't need closure, but understand deep inside he might. I told him that if she seeks him out for closure, he needs to let me know so we can decide how to proceed. I was hoping for thoughts from everyone. It's hard for me to believe that he truly loves me if he cares this much about another woman.

[This message edited by jojo42 at 9:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

rachelc posted 6/6/2013 09:57 AM

Jojo- how long was this A? Tell him he had that long for closure. Then tell him if he contacts her again you'll assume he wants to be with her and not you. Put on your butch boots and don't allow this. Closure is simply "I want to see my AP again" no effing way.

jojo42 posted 6/6/2013 10:01 AM

The A has gone on for 9 months, with a few months in the middle where it stopped when I found out the first time...thanks for the advice.

mainlyinpain posted 6/6/2013 10:11 AM

He is married to you. There never should have been anyone else in your marriage. You don't need closure for something that should never have been. If necessary, closure could be a NC letter to her stating how he wants NC from her, how he will never be contacting her again, and how the A should never have started in the first place as he loves his wife.
Why should you have to endure the thought of another meeting between them?

confused615 posted 6/6/2013 10:13 AM

Closure is something someone feels they need when a relationship ends.

This was not a relationship.

It was an affair.

His first,and only "need" right now should be to do whatever you need to feel safe.

The fact that he wants to talk to the OW for so selfish. It's all about him..and OW. Not you,not the marriage.

OH! This OW is the one who came to your house the other day and put her hand through a window...then proceeded to text you and tell you your WH was with her..when he was sitting with you..and she was texting you cruel,horrible things.

WHY would he want to ever see her again,after the way she has been so cruel to you?? She has vandalized your home...and you are pregnant.

I know you don't want to,but you cant't be passive. Put your bitch boots on and tell him it's either you and your unborn child..or her.

I know you decided not to press charges or get a RO. Did he influence that decision? If so..he cares more about protecting OW than he does his wife and child.

He also exposed you to STD's...which can cause great harm to an unborn child..please tell your doctor what your WH has done,so they can make sure you and baby are safe.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:18 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

jojo42 posted 6/6/2013 10:22 AM

He did not influence my decision about that- he said he understood I would do what I needed to.

Thank you for all the great advice- you're right, I do need to put my foot down on this one- I think this might be something to hash out with the MC, too, so he can see how serious I am.

Undefinabl3 posted 6/6/2013 10:32 AM

What confused said. 100% and if there was a clapping smiley i would put that in there.

Needing closure makes the affair have a point - to know that it somehow had a reason.

Dropping her like a bad habit IS his closure.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/6/2013 13:56 PM

I agree with the other comments about WS not contacting AP. Continued contact only extends trying to end the A and work on R. My WH continued texting and e-mailing OW for at least 4 months after DDay. He told me every time I asked if he was in contact with OW he wasn't in contact with her since a few days after DDay. Months later I found an email WH hid and forgot to delete that confirmed my suspicions. WH told me contact finally stopped and it was about the time I asked him to leave because I felt he was lying and his behavior was like during the A. Today I still don't know exactly when the contact ended. Finding the email was another DDay and started all the hurt and anger all over again- this time worse because he knew how I felt on the first DDay.

In our case I believe it took WH a few months of NC for the fog to lift even though he told me right after DDay the A was fantasyland and knew it wasn't real. Unfortunately that didn't stop him from contacting OW and keeping up the sexting.

Be firm and tell him NC means NC. If he needs closure then he can get it right out the door and don't let it hit on his ass. I don't like sounding so harsh but in these cases you have to be. Otherwise WS will continue doing what they are doing because they are getting away
with it.

jojo42 posted 6/6/2013 15:15 PM

Thank you all for your helpful replies...I think I'm too nice and try too hard to be understanding when I really don't need to be...If I had listened to ya'll's advice the first time, we wouldn't still be dealing with this, too! I plan to discuss this with him tonight, and I'll update you and let you know how it goes.

jojo42 posted 6/9/2013 18:32 PM

An update on the issue: ...we spoke about it more and he said he decided the word "closure" is the wrong word, and it seems like what he was more talking about was what's referred on this site as a NC letter. He said he meant he wants to make sure she knew they were over and that he was trying to work things out with me. He said he definitely didnt need or want this to be in person, but by email. We have both agreed that he hold out on that until after we speak to the therapist Tuesday to discuss it and what it should say.
I would say it is necessary because she has texted him a handful of times this weekend, one reminding him how much he hurt her, one picture of herself to taunt him about what he's missing, and then clearly drunk in the middle of the night last night saying she met a guy and was going to have sex with him this morning, she texted apologizing saying "someone else" was texting from her phone...yah, right....the good news is he has shared all of them with me as soon as he got them, erased them right away, and agreed with me that he should ignore them and wait until the no contact letter to address her. Actually, he gave me his phone last night when we went to bed because he said he was worried she would send him a picture of her boobs or something and he didn't want to see them (yah, she's a winner), but she didn't.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/9/2013 18:44 PM

I am so excited that I get to share my FWH's NC letter twice this weekend. It is not the typical, recommended SI NC letter, but as the OW was a bit of a junior bunny boiler (stalking/fishing for FWH for 8 years ) we felt this was the necessary letter in our situation. So far, so good!

Ms. Other Woman

I love my wife. Milkshake is the most amazing, wonderful, caring loving and forgiving woman I know.

I have re-dedicated myself to Milkshake and our marriage. I am so grateful Milkshake is giving me the chance to prove to and show her how much I love her. I will be doing that until the day I die.

I am horrified, disgusted and ashamed by what I did. Even more so that I did it with you.

I regret the day I met you and every minute I spent with you or even talked to you.

I hate you and will never forgive you for the role you played in causing my wife pain. She was innocent and didn't deserve the pain our selfish behaviour caused her.

Milkshake is my past, present and future. You are the past and simply irrelevant.

Do not contact Milkshake or me again in any way, shape or form. We have made a report to the police and our lawyer is prepared to take legal action if needed.

Again, I hate you and never want to see or hear from you again!

Mister Sister

Feel free to use any of the letter you may want, or not use anything at all. It makes me smile and I enjoy sharing it.

Most importantly your WH needs to make sure he closes all doors permanently. He can't say anything positive in the least. Like, "I'll always have fond memories" or "You were a good friend" etc., etc., He needs to be cold, businesslike and blunt. No cushioning the blow.

I am very glad that you talked and what WH was talking about was in essence a NC letter. That is some forward progress! YAY!

eta: added a missing word

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:45 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]

jojo42 posted 6/9/2013 19:16 PM

That's so weird you just posted this- it is EXACTLY what I was just telling my WH. He received a text about 10 minutes ago from her saying she keeps thinking about him and she still loves and misses him. She wants to hate him but can't and she feels like she lost her best friend. I was telling him that when he does write the NC letter, it will need to not pander to her feelings at all by saying that he cared about her too, etc (to soften the blow) because it would only give her a mixed message. Exactly what you are suggesting!

Our situation is a little different though, in that he was lying to her too, saying he was getting a divorce, etc. so I don't feel he needs to be quite as hateful in his letter, but just as direct and to-the-point (this is not to say she's innocent- she knew damn well he was married with a kid on the way!).

Thanks for the suggestions and reassurance!

so_lost posted 6/9/2013 20:36 PM

After he writes his NC email to her, make sure he changes his email address and cell phone number. Change your home phone number and make sure it's unlisted. You shouldn't have to deal with hurtful texts from her when it's as easy as changing a number. Get it done girl!

Jospehine85 posted 6/9/2013 20:57 PM

(((jojo42))) I am so glad your WH is showing you the texts and giving you his phone to hold. That is an excellent sign.

I hope your R continues on this optimistic path!

Sister's NC letter is good, but you know what? A simple "I love my wife. Leave me alone forever." Really is all that needs to be said. The sooner you send it , the better. Because then hopefully OW will stop trying to communicate with him.

Best wishes.

jojo42 posted 6/9/2013 21:09 PM

Thank you for the support and advice. Unfortunately, his cell and email are through work. He can't leave right now due to the baby coming (I'm on his insurance and we need the income- he is looking for something new but we decided he needs to stay for now). She hasn't tried to contact me since the night of DDay. Josephine, the type of letter you suggested is what we will be writing. Do you think he should text it to her? She has been texting him every 30 minutes or so the last few hours, despite the fact he's ignoring every one. We both think she might be drinking. We are afraid if he texts her back, it will encourage her to keep texting. I just don't know why she keeps texting! He hasn't answered any of them all weekend! Can't she take a hint??

authenticnow posted 6/9/2013 21:20 PM


Your H needs to block her number.

jojo42 posted 6/9/2013 21:33 PM

I didn't know you could do that- do you know how on an iphone?

Jospehine85 posted 6/10/2013 12:13 PM

To my knowledge there is no way to block a number on an iPhone that isn't jailbroken.

However, I believe if you call AT&T they can block her number from your account.

confused615 posted 6/10/2013 12:18 PM

gently,your situation isn't that much different from anyone else's. Most WS's told their AP lies to get what they wanted..that they weren't having sex with their spouse..or they were separating/divorcing. So your OW is not some innocent lamb. She knowingly involved herself with a married man..who was still living with his wife. If she believed he was divorcing,then she was foolish to think that.

Didn't you tell her if she didn't stop contacting your WH,you would press charges against her for breaking the window in your living room? Yet,she is still contacting him. Maybe it's time to follow through with your "threat" and have this woman charged. Playing nice isn't working.

jojo42 posted 6/10/2013 12:26 PM

Thank you for your responses:

Confused: It never got to that point. I decided that if she contacted me again after Dday night (window breaking, harassing texts to me) I would report her. She hasn't contacted me, only him, and I really didn't want to contact her again ever, even just to threaten her. He hasn't sent her the NC letter yet because we were waiting for the therapist appointment tomorrow to formulate it together with the therapist's guidance. I know that until she receives it, she will continue to reach out to him, so I'm looking forward to getting that to her. The letter will state that if she does attempt contact after she receives it, then that will be looked at as harassment.

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