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Do thoughts of divorce go away?

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FeelingSoMuch posted 6/6/2013 10:39 AM

It's been 3.5 months since d-day and reality is setting in. I'm starting to think about D more and more.

I don't think I can live with the thought of my WW having had an A for nine months, including in our home.

For the people further along the R road, once the D thoughts set in, do they go away or do they just become more and more entrenched?

Thanks. Having a rough few days even though WW has been 'nice.'

FightingBack posted 6/6/2013 10:52 AM

Of course I have thought about it. When I feel really angry I want to be as far away from him as possible.

When I feel that he will never realize just how much he has devastated me, I want to D just to show him how serious this is.

When I think I'm being a fool for giving him another chance, I feel I should D.

When I feel that I will never get past this, and the pain seems too much to bear, I want to D, thinking that if I could just stop loving him, the pain will go away.

But at 18 months since discovery with him trying to do what he can (which is still not enough) I have these feelings less and less.

I think I will probably stay, and keep working on things, even though it is a struggle. But I weigh the pros and cons almost daily still.

I will say today that being together is better than the alternative, especially having a WS who claims he will do whatever it takes(even though he hasn't figured out what that is yet)

Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently and I accept that that is OK.

It's a tough road, and I wish you all the best in following your path.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/6/2013 10:54 AM

The tough thing for me is that after having never seriously considered D, even after d-day, I have thought of nothing else for nearly three days now.

I'm not sure what that means.

CrappyLife posted 6/6/2013 11:04 AM

It depends.

What is your WW doing to make those thoughts go away?

Is she remorseful? Does she get the magnitude of the crap she has been doing?

Is she fully invested in the M now?

Is she willing to work out the reasons for her A and work on herself to make her safe for you?

Is she willing to maintain NC for life? Is she willing to cut him out mentally from her life?

You are just 3 months from D-Day. This is where I think the reality starts sinking in and you start thinking about your future. And divorce is the first thing that comes to mind. I kept on obsessing over D for months. Just work through your emotions and the roller-coaster.

I think it was wifehad5 who wrote something to this effect on some thread

I wasnt ready to R with my WW until I was completely ready to D.

That made a lot of sense to me. So, keep thinking about it till you reach a decision. Do not force yourself into R. The responsibility to make this M work after the A is of your WWs.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/6/2013 11:09 AM

Maybe this is just a stage I have to go through.

In some ways I just want to move on with life and I keep wondering if I'm just wasting my time by trying for R.

On the other hand, if you has asked me before d-day what I thought of my wife, I would've said, 'she's the love of my life.'

So there is something to fight for, but I'm not feeling like I'm the love of her life.

She seems 'sorry,' but not remorseful.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/6/2013 11:35 AM

During the first year I thought about divorce every so often, but not a ton. During the second year though, I told my H daily that I wanted a divorce, for the entire year! At the start of the third year, those D thoughts went away, and I actually wanted to renew my vows with H by then.

If it's a deal breaker, then I imagine the thoughts won't go away. I guess it just depends on how long you're willing to muck through it to figure out if it IS a deal breaker, or if you can't take it anymore and just give up anyway.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/6/2013 12:57 PM

I used to think it was a deal breaker. I don't know anymore...

crazyblindsided posted 6/6/2013 15:15 PM

When I feel that he will never realize just how much he has devastated me, I want to D just to show him how serious this is.

When I think I'm being a fool for giving him another chance, I feel I should D.

When I feel that I will never get past this, and the pain seems too much to bear, I want to D, thinking that if I could just stop loving him, the pain will go away.

^My thoughts exactly. I am 15 months out and think about D many times a week.

I tell my WH I want a D quite often. Geez I know this isn't fun for either of us.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:18 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

sisoon posted 6/6/2013 15:28 PM

My W's commitment to R - which means she acted and continues to act consistently to achieve R - made me put thoughts of D aside almost completely.

IMO, my guess is that either 1) the A is a deal breaker for you, or 2) your W isn't meeting your R requirements yet, or 3) you're not taking care of yourself.

What does R mean to you? What are your requirements? Why did you choose R? (I think you need to answer these Qs for yourself, but you don't need to make the answers public.)

What are you doing to heal yourself? (I think your best bet is to make the answer public, because you might get some pointers that help you.)

NotDefeatedYet posted 6/6/2013 17:16 PM

Three years later and it's still in the back of my mine. The marriage has no more security.

NotDefeatedYet posted 6/6/2013 17:16 PM


[This message edited by NotDefeatedYet at 5:17 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/6/2013 17:52 PM

Hi sisoon.

Is the A a deal breaker for me? I don't know anymore. I used to think so before the A.

No, my W is not showing remorse, at least not the way I expect her to show it. She still gets defensive and to this day has not said a negative word about the OM. I think this is stalling R.

It took me almost three months to feel that I'm taking care of myself. Despite going to IC and MC right away, I survived the first 2.5 months on sleeping pills, anti-depressants, alcohol before bedtime to calm the mind movies, very little exercise, checking my WW's emails and crying spells.

I'm now down to the anti-depressants only. I'm back to going to the gym six times a week and not checking her emails anymore. What's the point? They still work together and if they want to talk, they can just walk over to each other. She swears that if he does that, she'll tell him to get lost.

Why did I choose R? At first, because I was in shock and didn't want to lose the dreams I had for the 12 years we were together. Our lives were actually pretty good, even WW says so.

Now I have accepted that those dreams are gone. Neither D nor an A were part of my dreams, so I'm not going to get what I wanted either way. I actually really care about my WW -- we pretty much grew up together.

My story is that we had a really strong bond. For her to go and have an A, it feels that much more of a betrayal. She tells me she'll never do it again, but isn't asking for forgiveness -- although she'll occasionally say "she's sorry" and not much beyond that.

I'm afraid that by staying together with a WW who's not remorseful the way I need her to be remorseful that I'll be just cheating myself -- ourselves, actually -- out of happiness.

1Faith posted 6/6/2013 18:11 PM

Check out in just found out a recent post on the timeline for healing. It puts a lot of feelings in context.

I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who has been cheated on that doesn't think about D.

Of course it's normal. You're feelings will vacillate for a long time. Average recovery is 2.5 to 5 years. Sucks.

You need IC to find out what YOU need. Especially if you aren't feeling remorse from your WW.

I am 19 months down the road and its easier but it is also still hard at times.

Be kind to yourself. Healing takes TIME.

Hang in there

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