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ashamedWW posted 6/6/2013 11:40 AM

One thing I never considered myself in my life was needy. I always felt I had something to prove to everyone by being able to do anything I set my mind to myself. Granted I was not one to deny help if offered and I truly needed it, but I was never one who begged for it.

Now... I am so dang needy. I really really hate it. But only with my husband. I crave his attention. I need his constant affection. I have gotten to where I feel like I beg for it. I HATE that about myself now. I need constant reassurance that he loves me. I need every day reminders that he will love me and be with me forever or I will break down into a sobbing mess before the end of the day. Ugh! What is wrong with me?!?! I am the one who cheated. I almost broke our family apart. And I am the one who is like this?!?! I just don't understand why? Maybe it's because I feel undeserving of his love. Maybe it's because I am scared one day he's going to wake up and decide it's too much to live with. I honestly don't know.

Sorry for the rant guys. Just needed to vent a moment...

Aubrie posted 6/6/2013 11:56 AM

Hmm, the first thing that comes to my mind is that you have replaced your drug of choice (AP) with your BH. Which "seems" like it's the perfectly healthy and logical thing to do, but hear me out.

That broken bit in you screamed out for attention, validation, whatever. Enter AP. Chaos ensues, you get caught/confess, Dday commences, you now latch onto your BH.

If you don't do the work, find your whys, rewire your faulty thinking, make healthy choices, you're just replacing one drug for another. You've watched the horror of Dday your BH has gone thru, you could never do that again, and you have latched on unhealthily to him. kwim?

You have to be ok with you. Whether you are with BH, with your kids, in a room full of 1,000 people, or alone in a corner of a closet in the back of the basement.

What is going on that you aren't happy with yourself? Have you done any work on yourself?

ashamedWW posted 6/6/2013 12:13 PM

We have come a long way in the past 2+ years. We have seen counselors, I have read affair books, I read and reread the Power of a Praying Wife, I remind him each and every day how much I love him whether it be thru a short sweet text or a quick phone call to let him know I am thinking of him, I have done anything and everything he has asked of me to help make things easier and better for him. I love him with all I've got and honestly can't imagine my life without him. I tell him this often. Sometimes it will hit me out of nowhere how awful my actions were during the 3 month affair and I stop and tell him how sorry I am again and how grateful I am that he has given me the gift of forgivenes.

Maybe I'm just going through a funk. I haven't been like this up until the past couple of months. I have needed validation of his love during reconciliation but not to the degree I have felt like I need it lately.

I have always loved reading your posts and advice Aubrie so I welcome any guidance. I do hate to think that I am "replacing" my AP for my BH as you said. I despise that m@t&%*%&$*@r.

I honestly feel like it has a lot to do with feeling undeserving. How could he still love me after what I put him through? How could he still want to be with someone who had an affair with a man he hated? How could he want to spend the rest of his life and grow old with the person who has hurt him more than he could have ever imagined possible?

I am just tired of feeling like this.

Aubrie posted 6/6/2013 12:26 PM

What you are doing for your husband is great and all. It really is. Helping them heal, working with them is imperative. But where are you in all this? What have you done specifically for you? Have you found your whys? Have you spotted all the faulty in you? Have you worked to improve those areas?

They aren't kidding when they say 3 things have to heal. You. Him. Y'all together.

You can help him. The rest he does on his own. You can only do so much together. Then there's you. If you put all your focus on him and y'all, you are sitting in the corner going, "Well what the crap..."

Here's how I looked at my healing. I want us to heal. Him to heal, me, us, the whole package. But what if he gets hit by a bus this afternoon? Where does that put me? What will I be? Regardless of what he does, what happens, where life takes us, I have to be ok with me. I have to be healthy. I didn't want to replace that broken part with my husband. If we live together, he deserves the best me possible. I deserve the best me possible.

I'll never forget when I came to the realization, I don't "need" him. I choose for him to be a part of my life. Sounds cocky, but I know a lot of people know what I'm talking about. Instead of this crazy, driven, need to be with him, I simply chose to share my life with him. And part of that decision comes from self-acceptance.

Make any sense?

ashamedWW posted 6/6/2013 13:42 PM

Acutally, that makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I get so focused on trying to make sure he's okay that I lose sight of "am I okay". I neee to continue to work on him but also keeping working on myself. Thank you AUbrie. As I said earlier, I always find a lot of insight in your posts and guidance. I appreciate you taking the time to help me. :)