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NC and wanting WH to contact OW

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CatchyUsername posted 6/6/2013 12:41 PM

OK - is this insane??? I want WH to contact the OW and tell her what he thinks of her and their relationship now. I want her to hear him say it was the worst thing he has ever done in his life, that it caused him great pain during and afterward, that I am the most amazing woman on the face of the earth and it was stupid to think that anything was worth risking that.

Thoughts???

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/6/2013 12:43 PM

Has your WH written a NC letter to the OW?

CatchyUsername posted 6/6/2013 12:48 PM

Yes, he immediately sent a NC and there has not been any since that (shortly after d-day) 4 weeks ago. But it wasn't all that elaborate other than "i made a huge mistake and i will not have any further contact with you"

callmecrazy posted 6/6/2013 12:49 PM

If she has stayed away, count your blessings and let it be. She will never know the hurt you had inflicted on you unless she one day finds herself in the same position. Also, if the contact could cause her to start trying to contact him.

If she hasnt left him alone or he never formally wrote a NC letter, then those things could be said still.

But really its up to you two.

confused615 posted 6/6/2013 12:50 PM

Don't poke the dog.


Who cares what she thinks...she is insignificant.

FTB!

41andthankful posted 6/6/2013 12:55 PM

I feel the same way. I never asked him to send a nc letter because I didn't know about nc letters until a month + past dday. By then I didn't see the point since to my knowledge there had not been any contact and I didn't want anything rekindled. I hate thinking she is sitting around thinking she was special to him and that their mess really meant something.

twodoves posted 6/6/2013 12:55 PM

I don't think it would hurt her as much as you want it to.

Opening up communication between them again would be a mistake, IMO.

Ostrich80 posted 6/6/2013 13:02 PM

I would bet the farm the ow would yell herself and whoever else would listen that
1. You wrote it and made him sign it
Or
2. You made him because you so insecure and jealous of her. Now I know your not but that's how she will take it.
Nothing says I made a mistake more than NC...Jmo of course

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/6/2013 13:05 PM

If a NC letter was sent, and there has been NC, leave it be!

keeponkeepingon posted 6/6/2013 13:05 PM

What Ostrich said!

Don't open that can of worms.

I know you want her to hear this but just don't. I know I would love for MrKOKO to have said all those things to the TicK too. Maybe have him write a letter to you saying all those things you want him to say.

Don't let her back in!

[This message edited by keeponkeepingon at 1:06 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

TrustGone posted 6/6/2013 13:06 PM

I also wanted WH#2 to do NC differently. All he said in the 1st NC call was for her to not text or call him anymore. He did not say anything about he regretted the LTA with her. I can remember hearing her scream at him over the phone and how weird that made me feel. This lead eventually to them taking it underground for another year because he felt sorry for her and the way he did her. On DDay#2 he texted her and basically said the same thing he said the last time. I was very upset that he didn't go into more detail, but he is not a detail kind of guy I guess. She has attempted to break NC several times in the last year and I think that is why. He did call her the last time she texted to tell her to leave us alone. He said he left a voice mail and so far he hasn't gotten anymore texts. I would not have let him call her and break NC from his end had I known she had texted him. He said he just didn't want to upset me anymore is the reason he didn't tell me about it. He knew better as we had discussed it before, but he is a rug sweeper and just wants her to go away now. It has shown him that she is crazy and can't be trusted. If the OW is not contacting him, then I would not break NC. She doesn't care that you want to hear this and would know that you put him up to it. Don't give her anymore of your headspace. Concentrate on R with your WH. As the other poster said let sleeping dogs lay at this point.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/6/2013 13:09 PM

Honestly? It would sound far too contrived and she wouldn't believe a word of it, anyway. I get that you want validation and for her to feel like a crushed bug - I totally get it.

Of course, the fact that that he chose to remain in his marriage and stay with his family was definitely a kick in her face, no doubt about it. Some of these OW get pretty cocky, thinking he'd choose her in the event of a D-Day, and it's a pretty far fall from grace when they INSTEAD find themselves firmly pinned under the bus as it backs up over them, again and again.

Words don't mean a whole lot, as we've all learned.

ACTIONS, however, mean everything.

In this case, his actions of pushing the 'delete' button on her were much more powerful than any words he could possibly spew at her.

Lucky posted 6/6/2013 13:13 PM

After 4 weeks of NC:

I want WH to contact the OW and tell her what he thinks of her and their relationship now. I want her to hear him say it was the worst thing he has ever done in his life, that it caused him great pain during and afterward, that I am the most amazing woman on the face of the earth and it was stupid to think that anything was worth risking that.

He has honey.

If he made such a call or sent such a letter, she'd laugh and then immediately call him and ask why his mean old wife forced him to say such ugly things.

She'd never believe it came from him. And honestly, after only four weeks, I sincerly doubt he truly feels that way - yet.

hopingforhappy posted 6/6/2013 13:16 PM

I wanted this too, as FWH did not send any kind of NC letter, just stopped communicating with her (and she tried to keep in touch--8 months of fishing e-mails). Since I didn't really want to break NC, I asked him to write the letter he would send to her now, if he could, not to actually send, just to see his thoughts and feelings at this point. Maybe it would help you for your WH to do the same.

ETA: Everyone is quite right that OW will never believe that the WH voluntarily said anything negative. She will believe that you made him say it. She is still living in fantasy land and has demonstrated an amazing ability to maintain that fantasy in the face of overwhelming truth. Nothing you or your WH say will change her mind.

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 1:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

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