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Newest Member: Dha0128 (46042)

User Topic: NC and wanting WH to contact OW
CatchyUsername
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK - is this insane??? I want WH to contact the OW and tell her what he thinks of her and their relationship now. I want her to hear him say it was the worst thing he has ever done in his life, that it caused him great pain during and afterward, that I am the most amazing woman on the face of the earth and it was stupid to think that anything was worth risking that.

Thoughts???


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has your WH written a NC letter to the OW?


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2044 | Registered: Sep 2011
CatchyUsername
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he immediately sent a NC and there has not been any since that (shortly after d-day) 4 weeks ago. But it wasn't all that elaborate other than "i made a huge mistake and i will not have any further contact with you"

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
callmecrazy
♀ 38765
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she has stayed away, count your blessings and let it be. She will never know the hurt you had inflicted on you unless she one day finds herself in the same position. Also, if the contact could cause her to start trying to contact him.

If she hasnt left him alone or he never formally wrote a NC letter, then those things could be said still.

But really its up to you two.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't poke the dog.


Who cares what she thinks...she is insignificant.

FTB!


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
41andthankful
♀ 38650
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. I never asked him to send a nc letter because I didn't know about nc letters until a month + past dday. By then I didn't see the point since to my knowledge there had not been any contact and I didn't want anything rekindled. I hate thinking she is sitting around thinking she was special to him and that their mess really meant something.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
twodoves
♀ 39181
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it would hurt her as much as you want it to.

Opening up communication between them again would be a mistake, IMO.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would bet the farm the ow would yell herself and whoever else would listen that
1. You wrote it and made him sign it
Or
2. You made him because you so insecure and jealous of her. Now I know your not but that's how she will take it.
Nothing says I made a mistake more than NC...Jmo of course


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5277 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a NC letter was sent, and there has been NC, leave it be!


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2044 | Registered: Sep 2011
keeponkeepingon
♀ 32935
Member # 32935
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Ostrich said!

Don't open that can of worms.

I know you want her to hear this but just don't. I know I would love for MrKOKO to have said all those things to the TicK too. Maybe have him write a letter to you saying all those things you want him to say.

Don't let her back in!

[This message edited by keeponkeepingon at 1:06 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


"I know you and you know me and I know you can see. So help me get my way back to you"

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: On the corner of Grey St at the end of the world
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wanted WH#2 to do NC differently. All he said in the 1st NC call was for her to not text or call him anymore. He did not say anything about he regretted the LTA with her. I can remember hearing her scream at him over the phone and how weird that made me feel. This lead eventually to them taking it underground for another year because he felt sorry for her and the way he did her. On DDay#2 he texted her and basically said the same thing he said the last time. I was very upset that he didn't go into more detail, but he is not a detail kind of guy I guess. She has attempted to break NC several times in the last year and I think that is why. He did call her the last time she texted to tell her to leave us alone. He said he left a voice mail and so far he hasn't gotten anymore texts. I would not have let him call her and break NC from his end had I known she had texted him. He said he just didn't want to upset me anymore is the reason he didn't tell me about it. He knew better as we had discussed it before, but he is a rug sweeper and just wants her to go away now. It has shown him that she is crazy and can't be trusted. If the OW is not contacting him, then I would not break NC. She doesn't care that you want to hear this and would know that you put him up to it. Don't give her anymore of your headspace. Concentrate on R with your WH. As the other poster said let sleeping dogs lay at this point.


BW-52
WH#2-53
M-10 yrs T-12 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
DD#4-11/28/14 He ran off to be with OW after assaulting me
Divorcing

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly? It would sound far too contrived and she wouldn't believe a word of it, anyway. I get that you want validation and for her to feel like a crushed bug - I totally get it.

Of course, the fact that that he chose to remain in his marriage and stay with his family was definitely a kick in her face, no doubt about it. Some of these OW get pretty cocky, thinking he'd choose her in the event of a D-Day, and it's a pretty far fall from grace when they INSTEAD find themselves firmly pinned under the bus as it backs up over them, again and again.

Words don't mean a whole lot, as we've all learned.

ACTIONS, however, mean everything.

In this case, his actions of pushing the 'delete' button on her were much more powerful than any words he could possibly spew at her.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Lucky
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 4 weeks of NC:

I want WH to contact the OW and tell her what he thinks of her and their relationship now. I want her to hear him say it was the worst thing he has ever done in his life, that it caused him great pain during and afterward, that I am the most amazing woman on the face of the earth and it was stupid to think that anything was worth risking that.

He has honey.

If he made such a call or sent such a letter, she'd laugh and then immediately call him and ask why his mean old wife forced him to say such ugly things.

She'd never believe it came from him. And honestly, after only four weeks, I sincerly doubt he truly feels that way - yet.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
hopingforhappy
♀ 29288
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted this too, as FWH did not send any kind of NC letter, just stopped communicating with her (and she tried to keep in touch--8 months of fishing e-mails). Since I didn't really want to break NC, I asked him to write the letter he would send to her now, if he could, not to actually send, just to see his thoughts and feelings at this point. Maybe it would help you for your WH to do the same.

ETA: Everyone is quite right that OW will never believe that the WH voluntarily said anything negative. She will believe that you made him say it. She is still living in fantasy land and has demonstrated an amazing ability to maintain that fantasy in the face of overwhelming truth. Nothing you or your WH say will change her mind.

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 1:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1378 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 14

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