Now that i know about the A and some time has passed, my WH says he has realized that the A was a huge mistake, resulting more from problems he has with himself than problems with me or the M. I am still not sure how I feel or what I want to do. I live every day still being a mom to these amazing kids, but knowing that it might not always be this way. It is heartbreaking in so many ways
I, too, feel that this type of situation is very different from most - particularly because I don't (and at this point, will never) have kids of my own. It's not easy when you're thrust into a stepfamily where you have no idea of what or how to handle things with kids - and, worse, you're expected to lay off when it comes to discipline but the kids can treat you any old way because "you're not their parent".
Definitely a different set of challenges that not everyone gets or understands.
[This message edited by Fireball72 at 5:53 AM, June 7th (Friday)]
But the thought of losing a whole family is heartbreaking.
For BS who decide to R - can you do a post-nup or some other contractual agreement that provides visitation or even joint custody (esp. when bio parent is non-custodial) in the event of a D? I'm just wondering if there is a way to protect yourself.
Regarding the source of my personal pain around this: I sacrificed having my own kids for WH. I have been through HELL for those kids having our relationship flip (with me and them) from deep love, to hate, to acceptance, to love again. Their mother has made my life a living hell. I would never in a million years live where I live if it were not for the joint custody arrangement. I can't believe how much I sacrificed for him/them.
And yes I am now past my child bearing years...
That's the hell of being a stepparent, I've discovered - you really do pour your heart into your relationships with the stepkids, but if something goes wrong... you have no legal recourse (as in visitation, etc.). The only way I'd see that happening is if you were literally the only parent they'd ever known, you know what I mean?
I don't envy you your situation. It's got to be heartbreaking.
I used to say that I thought I was "meant" to be a stepmom, not a mom. FWH wanted to have children, but I wanted to wait until all of my stepDs were adults, so that 1) they would not have to share the precious little time they had with their father and 2) I would not have some crazy XW interfering in my child's life (she was prone to drama, harassment, and making scenes).
When my FWH had his A, and OC was conceived, it was particularly painful because I did not have a child of my own (or should I say, OW made sure that it was particularly painful by rubbing in that they shared something that he and I did not).
My FWH introduced my stepDs to OW during the A, and even had them hide it from me. After the A, the OW found them via social networking and continued a relationship with them, via the XW. They are all still VERY close (spend holidays together) and my stepDs no longer see their father.
6 years out from this, and we now have a child of our own, but the pain of losing my stepDs still hurts so much.
"I have been through HELL for those kids having our relationship flip (with me and them) from deep love, to hate, to acceptance, to love again. Their mother has made my life a living hell."
^^^THIS. I relate to this SO MUCH.
[This message edited by Want2help at 2:50 PM, June 7th (Friday)]
Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point.