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Newest Member: Winstonsmith (46000)

User Topic: Saw some crap on his phone last night
Saddayforus
♀ 39465
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm brand new here. Had a gut feeling something was not right so looked at his cellphone last night to find sexting, pics and worst of all "Good morning Hun!" and "Miss u" and "putting baby to bed now" THe emotional part is the WORST. I did see that the other woman lives 1000s of miles away, but it does not matter, I'm still hurt!

I have not confronted him YET, but plan on it soon. Just looking for some support and guidance, thanks a million!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
cletuswv
♂ 37463
Member # 37463
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry your here...I found out via intercepted text as well and it is the most painful thing in the world

Look at the healing library and learn as much about infidelity as possible...it will help you decipher the crazy actions that will occur after confrontation and the weeks to come...be prepared to be lied to for an extended period of time.

Drink lots of water, exercise, and prepare for a long ride...make no major decisions in the days or weeks to come

Much smarter and more experienced people will be along to help you...good luck


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 35
DDay #1: 9/28/2012
TT until:
DDay #2: 1/03/2013
2.5 yr LTA EA/PA
Dday #3 6/19/2013 OM #2
DD 4
DS 7
She moved out on 7/2/2013

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: The best Virginia
Bikingguy
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saddahfocus,

I am so sorry you have a need for this site. But happy you found it.

As mentioned read the article and FAQ in the healing library. When you confront hom, do not be surprised if he lies and tries to withhold info to "protect you". A millions pieces of advice, but what I will focus on is assuming he wants to stay and work he needs to know that many marriages survive an A, but many do not when the WS lies or TT (trickle truth).

In the first few weeks I was in a hurry to fix our M, but have since realized that I really need to focus on me first and WW has a lot of issues she needs to try and resolve. I read about this process as a roller coaster and boy is that correct. However what did not get mentioned is it is a ride in the dark and I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I have come to accept that and that this process is a really long one.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 685 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Twitchy
♂ 25393
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to go into stealth mode. Don't confront to quickly. Take some time if you can and gather evidence. Get a key logger and or phone spy apps

One of my biggest regrets was flying hot and running to confront. She lied about stuff I couldn't verify then they just took it further underground.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 663 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
SoVerySadNow
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my biggest regrets was flying hot and running to confront. She lied about stuff I couldn't verify then they just took it further underground.

^^^this!
It's hard to wait, but often saves time and sanity later.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to go into stealth mode. Don't confront to quickly. Take some time if you can and gather evidence. Get a key logger and or phone spy apps

One of my biggest regrets was flying hot and running to confront. She lied about stuff I couldn't verify then they just took it further underground.

OMG! This!

I found out June 12th 2008, I didn't confront until sometime in August of 2008. During that time I printed out every page of all his 7 online dating sites (stored out of our home), and made password protected screenprints of some of his emails (tip: never password protect a document when you're angry, you'll never remember the password later ) I also made detailed spreadsheets.

After all that, I only confronted with half the information because I wanted him to fill in the rest. And NEVER reveal how you found out because if he really wants this to continue he will take it underground and then you'll never know what is going on.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the right place. There are a lot of caring people here who can help.

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like others have stated. Please go to the healing library to read about different ways to confront. It is tough and emotional as hell.

If you can stay silent and gather information that is the best way but it is hard. I errupted so it wasn't a possibility for me. But the more info you have the better.

Check phone records. Look for frequent numbers, patterns, etc. Don't just assume bc a number is 1000 miles away the person attached to it is. Mobile numbers can travel with you these days.

Deep breaths. You are not alone. We all have went through it one way or another. It is a tough road but you can and will make it through.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1329 | Registered: Apr 2013
Saddayforus
♀ 39465
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, THANK YOU so much for all of your kind, supportive, and very helpful responses!!! Unfortunately, I know other women this has happened to, so I immediately thought of them and took photos with a camera (not with MY phone!) for evidence. Last night, he fell asleep early, so I grabbed his phone and found 2 more women he sent naked pics to, but the EA was not there with them, thankfully! I took pics again with my camera and getting them developed now (making double prints to keep one set at work!!!). I'm thinking of confronting him on Saturday, but not sure if I should hold off more? He is not very computer/phone literate (not that I am, but I was able to discover this!). I plan on asking, seeing what he admits, and if he doesn't, then show the photos I took. I truly do not think he's done anything physically, but am afraid that will be his excuse! What do you recommend if he says it's no big deal since it was just chatting and pics???

Thanks a million for all of your help and support!!!!!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if he says it's no big deal since it was just chatting and pics?

I'd recommend that you hand him a copy of Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass and tell him when he's done reading it, to answer that question himself while you are at your lawyer's appointment. Or flip the question around, and ask him if it would be ok for you to send nude photos of yourself to men he doesn't know, since it's harmless.

I'd make sure that you are ready to confront - do the question and answer prep with us before you do.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4125 | Registered: Dec 2011
Saddayforus
♀ 39465
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I will get the book as well as ask him how he'd feel if I sent men nude pics and "Good Morning Sunshine" and "Miss u!" and talked about our child!!!

How do I do the question and answer prep???


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I was referring to with Q&A prep is think of questions you might ask him, then anticipate his response. You just found out, and are in shock, so taking time to think out questions is a good way to catch your breath. For example:

1. How did you meet these women?
2. Who initiated contact?
3. Why did you think this was appropriate?
4. Have you been physical with any of these women?
5. Are any of the women married (if so, follow up with finding out how to tell their spouse)

I could go on, but that's just a general idea. Maybe start a post asking for more ideas. You have time on your side right now, and the first time you confront is critical for setting the tone - I screwed it up and my wife deleted a ton of stuff that I wasn't aware of. It led to a year of agonizing searching for the truth on my part.

Good luck.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4125 | Registered: Dec 2011
Saddayforus
♀ 39465
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, those are similar to the questions I had written down to ask (I know I'll forget otherwise!). I saw it all on his cellphone, what do I do if he tries to focus on being mad I was on his phone? Just keep telling him that's not the point?

Thanks for the reminder time is on my side, but I feel physically ill from all of this (stomach, chest pains, etc.), so I need to confront sooner than later just for my own health/sanity!

[This message edited by Saddayforus at 11:22 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married people don't keep secrets. You should have full access to his phone without it being an issue...those who have nothing to hide,hide nothing.

He will be pissed that you "snooped" and caught him. Too bad. he can be pissed...you did nothing wrong..you're not the one cheating.

1000's of miles away means physical sex is probably out..but there's skype sex..sexting..pics..secret email...etc.

If I had it to do all over again,I would put a keylogger on his computer,spyware on his phone,and a VAR in his car. When cheaters are confronted,they minimize and lie...the more evidence you have,the less they can lie. And,you already know he's using his phone..you don't know if there's a secret email account.


Also..you've caught him with this OW...you really have no idea if this is the "only" OW he is involved with. laying low and watching him with your keylogger and spyware will enable you to know what you're really dealing with here.

ETA: I understand..but really..it is for your health and sanity that people are suggesting you go into stealth mode and gather evidence. He will lie when you confront him..he may cry..he may get angry...he will say and do things to confuse you..he will manipulate you...the more evidence you have,the stronger you will feel.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:28 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8070 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Saddayforus
♀ 39465
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the suggestions, that is very true, stealth mode is prob better for me right now. Thanks for the confidence that I did nothing wrong by looking at his phone. How do I go about the keylogger and spy phone and VAR? I'm not very good with technology. Thanks so much for everything!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can get a keylogger online...there are some really good ones that'll give you a free trial offer...keyloggers record everything done on the computer..if he has a secret email account,you will find out..and it will give you all his passwords...some even record every keystroke...like if he is chatting on facebook with OW.

The spyware on the phone can also be bought online..you will need access to the phone for a few minutes...Im not sure what kind to get..I never had the chance to do this with WH's phone.

A VAR is a voice activated recorder..you can get them at Walmart,Best buy,etc. Put it under his front car seat with strong velcro.

If you really don't want to wait..don't. This is not a court of law where you have to prove he is cheating..what you read and the pics are proof of that already. We just recommend waiting because WS's like to make a BS think they're crazy,and the more proof you have going into confrontation,the better.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8070 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WakingFromADream
♂ 33934
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in our company but, you have found a place that is wonderfully supportive and has some great advice.

First of all, regarding privacy, what about yours? He violated your privacy by talking to people that are complete strangers about the intimate details of your life; not to mention showing the intimate details of his nether regions. His protection of ‘privacy’ would come across as a display of ‘disloyalty’ to you and your feelings. Your feelings need to take precedence over this other person.

As far as what he is doing, sharing intimate personal information establishes a close emotional bond independent of your relationship. There is not enough time in the day to have a great, emotionally close relationship with each other let alone invest so much outside of it.

I happen to be dealing with the fallout from an EA and have saved some quotes from others on this site that are much better than anything I could put together to help explain some of the reasons why an EA can be so devastating.

I believe that it is from @Fighting2Survive via @JRAZZ:

Our pastor said something to us early on that has really shaped how I view transparency. Here's what he said:
"People use the word 'marry' like it is a single act... you got 'married.' In truth, what you vow on your wedding day is that you will spend the rest of your days marrying your life to your spouse's life. Marrying is a continual process- a merging of two lives into one. It is never completed."

Transparency is marrying. When a spouse keeps information away from his or her spouse, it is a withdrawal from that vow to marry. There should be nothing in his life that is off-limits to you. Everything should be open because that is what he committed to in his vows.

@Unagie:

Now lets say you have an emotional affair with no physical. You detach from your partner. All the things that would bring the two of you closer, the things that you should be sharing with your partner you are instead sharing with this OP. Perhaps they are innocent convos at first but you're talking to them about things you keep from your partner or you're talking to them about you're partner. Suddenly this person knows more about your emotions, feelings, opinions and so on then your partner does. Maybe I love yous are exchanged, maybe you just have an emotional connection to them that you don't have with your partner. Lets say this is what your partner finds. This can equally destroy. This is about attacking your connection with your partner without ever physically touching someone. What makes it worse is that many who do this see nothing wrong in what they've done because they haven't physically touched someone. You have still violated your relationship.

@Gr8Wht71:

The EA is a breakdown of effort and commitment to your spouse, and drives wedges between you both. Emotional investment, communication and spiritual connection is stolen from the primary relationship and invested in elsewhere. It like trying to save for a family vacation, your spouse is putting money into the account every week, but your money is going into an "Week alone in Aruba" account.

On some level, your spouse will feel that the contributions are not being matched, and this will cause hurt and anger, insert wedge.

Their attitude can change, causing arguments and fights, insert wedge.

Eventually, the wedges cause the relationship to split.


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish wish wish I had known to get the VAR, and spyware prior to confrontation. This would have let me catch him each time be broke NC when we began R. We had a rough start, even though he knew he wanted me, our marriage, our family. He would lie, and I knew he was lying. If only.....

I would get those ducks in a row, see an attorney to find out what your rights are, and what to expect should it turn ugly. Then confront. It's hard to make it seem normal when you are dealing with all of this. I couldn't do it, and he had made me so crazy by the time I had proof I HAD to confront just for my own sanity.

((((and strength))))

Keep posting, keep asking questions.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8885 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Saddayforus
♀ 39465
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so very much for all of your input. I have to remember he violated MY privacy. I just got home from the store with the pics I took for evidence, and, ordered prints of the second set of evidence through my tears while there.

I don't know if I'll be able to do the spyware on his phone, how do I go about that? I'm researching the keylogging for computer now. The VAR I'll have to figure out. Thanks so very much for all of your help!!! I may not get back online since I'm now home and he'll be home from work soon, acting like nothing wrong. It's killing me:(


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
FieldsOfLavender
♀ 39154
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know after I confronted WH, he said I violated the OW whore's privacy!!!! Where are his loyalties?

Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Jospehine85
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check his email too. Look for skype or other chat applications on his phone.

Do a reverse look up on the OW and see if you can get names. Then look them up and see if they have spouses.

Right before you confront you need to let the other spouses know.

Check your phone bill to see what numbers he is texting and how long he has been texting them.

Check your credit card statements and bank statements to look for any unusual expenditures.

He has to be meeting these women some how. Is he into online gaming? Is he on dating websites?

Also, tips for when you confront:

1. Be vague. Say something like "i know you are texting other women". Then stare at him and say nothing else. He will talk. Say nothing. Leave big gaping silences. He will get panicky and keep talking to fill the silences.

2. Do not reveal your sources. EVER.

3. Do not reveal all that you know. If he starts confessing to things you have already found out but haven't admitted to knowing yet, you will have more reason to believe him.

4. If he gets offended about you looking on the phone and starts complaining about that, calmly point out that he is blameshifting and trying to deflect the problem on to you. Remind him the issue is his deceit and betrayal.

Learn the broken record technique: You find a phrase and repeat it over and over no matter how many times he tries to argue it.

So yours could be "You are blameshifting. The issue we are discussing is your deceit and betrayal".

Let's say he comes after you with "How dare you look at my phone?"

You say, "You are blameshifting. The issue we are discussing is your deceit and betrayal".

He says, "But you had no right to look at my phone!"

You say, "You are blameshifting. The issue we are discussing is your deceit and betrayal".

Get it? Don't let him drag you away from the real issue. Don't go there. He will try to put you on the defense. Just don't even go there.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1050 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 60
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