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Reality ripped apart again

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bytheboard posted 6/6/2013 12:58 PM

I am really struggling to hold it together for my kids right now. It is the end of the school year and so many events for them... But here we are... Nearly nine months past Dday and my reality has been forever altered yet again by another discovery. I don't know how to deal with the feeling that the world is spinning underneath my feet.

I wish I had more time, that I could fully explain all of this, but I have an11 month old that doesn't like his mommy on the computer.

I guess what I really need to say is that I met SAWH 3 years ago after surviving hell on earth and coming out the other side totally intact and completely in control of my life... Completely self-sufficient and able to care for my three children with no help and no child support. I didn't date for two years after the hell that was my last abusive marriage. I didn't care to date at all but my sisters pushed me to "just have coffee and meet some people". First coffee date became my now SAWH.

Before I had any idea about his past or his addiction, what I knew was that he was accomplished, long term military, taking care of his son after his ex wife had died. He seemed safe, responsible, honorable.

I had no idea what was behind the facade until after we were married, we had a baby and my kids called him dad. Everything came crashing down with evidence of his CL postings, ONS's, EA's, adult sites and on and on. I felt like two and a half years of my life were lies and manipulation a and the reAlity of our family that I treasured was a complete sham.

Over the past eight months he has been in SA groups, IC, MC etc. he has been changing. I keep telling him I need the whole truth. He said I had it all. I have been trying to get his old phone records from the beginning of our relationship for the past four months. They finally came in.

What was in them was simply devastating. The whole beginning of our relationship was built on gigantic lie. He was still in a relationship with his ex, who was his exit affair partner from his previous marriage who was also still married to her own husband while they were carrying on. It is so complicated I can't fully explain and I hope to make more sense later but for now.... He had told me it was over between them( I had no idea that she had been an affair on his previous wife, had I known that would have been a deal breaker on its own) but the first year we were together, she stalked me, made false files on me and showed them to his family, faked having his child and just acted generally crazy. I felt sorry for him because I had an abusive ex and I thought that was what was happening and that is what he led me to believe. The phone records show that he never stopped the relationship with her and her craziness was at least in part due to him playing both sides. He did finally end it with her two years ago and she stayed with her husband and I was just glad it was over. I always felt there was something not right about it all though... And now I see it was ever so much worse than I could've imagined.

When confronted about why he would continue to lie these past 8 months when I asked him about her directly, he said he was so afraid to lose me. The total lack of honesty and therefore respect is what will make him lose me.

I don't know what to say,what to do, what to think.... This is all over two years old now and definitely over... Still so very fresh to me. If I had known this as it was happening we certainly would not be married or have a child. He is adopting my other children. None of this reality would exist had any of this been known two years ago.

But here we are. I feel numb, she'll shocked ... Don't know what to do with myself or this new tilt of my world. What did we have that was real? What has my life been these past 3 years? Wheee do we go from here?

TrustGone posted 6/6/2013 13:25 PM

I am so sorry he did this to you. Now you know what he is do you really want him to adopt your children?? He has been lying to you since day one and probably is still lying to you. The children do not need to have a SAWH for a role model in their lives. If my WH#2 had lied to me since day one, we would no longer be together as I would consider the whole marriage a lie and no longer worth my time and effort, especially if I had children. I am glad he is seeking help for his SA, but I would be scared for him to even be around my kids. It sounds like he has some serious problems that will take a long time for him to fix, if they can be fixed. If I only had 2yrs in the relationship, I would cut my losses and move on. He is not worth the future pain he will cause you and your children. (((HUGS)))

lieshurt posted 6/6/2013 13:30 PM

I'm sorry he did this to you. Their selfishness knows no bounds. I thought the same as TrustGone. There is no way in hell I'd let him adopt my kids. You can't trust him, so there is no way he should have authority over your kids.

confused615 posted 6/6/2013 13:33 PM

Is this the kind of man that you want to adopt you other children? I realize you have a child with him..but is this what is best for the other kids? In the event of a divorce this man,a sex addict,if he is their legal father,will have rights to these kids..and access to them..and if he is involved with people he met of craigslist or AFF,they will be exposed to these people...(My WH was on craigslist)

Please think long and hard about this. I understand the kids love him. but is he what is best for them?

A good father loves and respects the mother of his children..he does not lie to her,or expose her to STD's,endangering her health and her life.

Im not saying "never"...nut maybe "not yet" considering the circumstances?


[This message edited by confused615 at 1:34 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

SoVerySadNow posted 6/6/2013 13:37 PM

I would agree with the others-slow down the adoption.

MissLonelyHeart posted 6/6/2013 13:44 PM


The total lack of honesty and therefore respect is what will make him lose me.

Married to a SA myself and I completely understand the particular hell it is living with them. Mine cheated with prostitutes that he admits to, but I am sure there is much, much more. If you would like to talk anytime, feel free to PM. I agree with the others, slow down on the adoption plans for now.

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