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The fight of my life

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TheGreatestLove posted 6/6/2013 13:59 PM

I found out three months ago that I am a BS. My husband of seven years and my "best" friend had an affair. I am swinging through the emotions as drastically as I was the first day I knew. I have decided that this is the fight of my life, for my marriage. I immediately went to counseling after the discovery, and have continued since. I have talked with mentors and friends. I have talked with my WS.
The most difficult aspect of my situation is the OP. As I said, she had been considered by "best" friend. Of course, she no longer holds that title. The three of us (me, hubs, friend) spent a lot of time together the 6 months before their affair began. Her husband had recently left her, and she needed support. I jumped right in to give her that support. I realize now that our relationship (the 3 people) was not good. She was our continuous third wheel. I also see that our time spent together was part of what sparked their disastrous mistake.
As soon as I was told by my WS, I completely cut off my relationship with the OP. Aside from some colorful e-mails and texts, we never spoke again. Our counselor also told us that my WS needed to cut all contact with the OP. This has been more difficult for him. They have not been meeting in person, but they have continued to have contact through e-mails, texts and the phone. For some time, I was lead to believe she was a bit "stalking" in this, but I know now he had something to do with it too.
My biggest question today is how to move forward. He has repeatedly asked about us having a friendship with her again. I have repeatedly answered that this is out of the question. Most recently, he has told me that she serves the need of "conversation", and that he feels he needs to continue. I see this as continuing an emotional affair.
This whole situation as caused us both to reevaluate our beliefs and priorities. I have discovered a strength within me that I didn't know existed. I have a new-found peace with myself as a person, but that doesn't make this any easier.
We have two small children (2 and 1 years). I am not staying with him for the children. They are a factor, but not the deciding factor. I do believe in forgiveness. I believe in healing. I believe in love. I know I married this man because I love him with my whole heart. I am not willing to sacrifice the rest of my life with him, for this set of mistakes. He has been making most every effort to work toward healing, aside from this "conversation" with the OP part.
How do I reconcile this to my heart? Is it possible to have a friendship with the OP? I don't see how it can be healthy, and all mentors and counsel that I seek agree.

stillcrying4ever posted 6/6/2013 14:06 PM

Absolutely NOT! Have him send a NC letter or 180 him. You can never heal if OP is still involved. Period.

Reality posted 6/6/2013 14:08 PM

I'm so sorry, TGL. No, being friends with her isn't healthy. No, your husband having contact with her still isn't okay.

I know you want to believe the best about him. It's obvious you love him and want your relationship to work. So this is going to sound really harsh, but he's still having the affair.

It doesn't matter why he's contacting her. It doesn't matter what justifications he's using to convince you its okay or even (?!) that you should be friends with her again.

He's asking you to help facilitate his affair. He's being a standard "cake eater" and gaslighting you to keep it going.

Your instincts are spot on. Not only is it okay to demand NO CONTACT, for you to have any chance of rebuilding your marriage, you have to demand it.

We're here with you. We've been/are where you are. He's completely wrong.

Twitchy posted 6/6/2013 14:09 PM

Here's how that conversation should go next time the topic of her continueing being his "firend"....

(insert overly calm, overly controlled voice)
"Dear, I cannot control what you do. If you want to speak with her again, go right ahead. I can't stop you. The only thing I can control in this situation are my actions. And I'm telling you point blank. If you talk with her again, you'll be doing it a single man."

You need to be very firm, consistant and leave no room for debate on this. There can only be two people in a mariage. If she's in, you're out.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 2:11 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Gipper posted 6/6/2013 14:17 PM

This ^^^^^^. You won't move forward under the circumstances he desires. Your strength comes through in your post. I think you have a good grasp on things to be this close to DDay. It's time to put your stomping boots and start dictating what YOU are going to do. You cant change him, and you are done with her. Good luck.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/6/2013 14:18 PM

Um no.

We do not have "friends" that are destructive to our marriage. We do not have "friends" that lie. We do not have "friends" that would betray us at the drop of the pants.


We only have friends of the marriage. Friends who build us up and support our marriage. Friends who add value to our lives. Friends who know boundaries.

What he is doing is continuing the A. While it may not (currently) be physical, it is most definitely still emotional and there cannot be three in a marriage. Much like Twitchy said, you cannot "force" him to do anything but you can draw a clear line in the sand and stand your ground. Not only that, but a clear NC letter needs to be sent to OW.

Skan posted 6/6/2013 14:31 PM

^^^ This

There is only room for two in a marriage. He doesn't get to waffle, he doesn't get to continued contact, he doesn't get any more time to think about what HE wants to do. This ends now, one way or the other, because if it doesn't, you are going to continue to be left with open, gaping wounds as they take their affair underground. And make no mistake, that is exactly what they are trying to do. You are BANG ON that they are carrying on an EA and you know that this will lead to another PA.

Please. Find all of your reserve and determination, and tell him. This is it. You either right now, immediately, agree to go NC with OW and we draft and send the NC letter/email together, or I will schedule an appointment with a divorce lawyer as quickly as possible. I will not live in a marriage with OW in it. Make your decision now commit to me fully by going NC with OW and by giving me access to every electronic and social media device that you have, or you leave the house and go stay elsewhere while I pursue a divorce. Your wedding vows are to me and our family. Choose if you are going to honor them or not.

Otherwise they will rip the heart out of your chest and play volleyball with it. (((hugs)))

Lalagirl posted 6/6/2013 14:55 PM

Read my profile where I tell my story of OW #2 (this is the EA that is relevant to your sitch).

He can NOT be "friends" with her. What hurt me the most when my FWH wanted the same is 1) why would he want to be friends with a woman who clearly disrespected me AND our M, and 2) why was he making my feelings second.

Hell to the no. NC NOW. I had to go drastic, but it pulled FWH's head out of his arse.

Hugs to you. I know your pain all too well.

MissLonelyHeart posted 6/6/2013 15:13 PM

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said by the wise people of this board. There is NO way he can have it both ways. I still cannot believe the nerve these WS have! He actually wants the 3 of you to still be friends? 180 his ass now.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/6/2013 15:30 PM

Let me give you a real life example of how having a continued "friendship" with the affair partner ends up.

I have a very close relative who was married for a few years at the time, and had a couple small children with his wife. Another relative moved in with them around this time as he was down on his luck and needed someplace to stay. Shortly thereafter, the guy (relative) who moved in, also moved in on the wife. They started an A that lasted for several months until the BH kicked the OM out.

Fast forward to about 6 years later. BH decides it's time to forgive the OM and decides to befriend him again (since he's a relative, they would see each other at family events every so often anyway). BH loosened his boundaries on WW having a friendship with OM because OM was now married for a few years as well, so of course that meant he wasn't a threat. Fast forward about 5 full months later (ya, not very long at all) and WW moved out of the marital home and MOVES IN WITH OM! She lives with OM for about 6 months, moves back home with BH because she realizes she's spending money on rent for no reason and she continues to see OM, and ANOTHER OM while living with the BH.

Once they crossed the line, they can NOT be friends anymore. And I completely disagree with

He has been making most every effort to work toward healing

because he is STILL having an EA with her at minimum. He's involved in an A with her, and you are allowing it to go on. It's time to put up some strong boundaries, it's time for him to go NC (no contact) with OW immediately, and it's time for you to stand up for yourself. Like you said, this is a fight, this isn't a "sit back and see what happens when he gets bored".

TheGreatestLove posted 6/6/2013 15:40 PM

** Sorry to all super-users, not sure how to reply to everyone within this post to ask more questions. Maybe someone can enlighten me. **

#1 Thank you for letting me know I am not crazy. I am a person of faith and forgiveness, but I thought that this situation was more than any person could bear. I am glad I am not the only one believing so.
#2 I don't know that I can say, NC or no me. I have basically said that in so many words, but he doesn't seem to get it. I have told him that it is unbearable to have her as a relationship on the side. I have told him that he, in needing to talk with her, is continuing the EA. As I write this, I feel like the blatantly blind girl in a bad Lifetime movie - but this is my life now.
He has told me he loves me. He continually tells me how wonderful I am and how amazing of a wife and mother I am. Then, he says he has "feelings" for another. Or, he doesn't have "emotions" for me. He says he is working on the "emotions" for me. He says he wants our marriage to work. But within the same breath, he says he needs to continue the friendship with the OW.
#3 Another struggle is that the OW was a friend of mine. I completely cut off contact with her. Blocked her on e-mails, phones, Facebook. I have been advised by counsel to not reach out to her and let her know how I am feeling. I have drafted at least 15 e-mails to her, but I have obeyed my counsel and not sent them. Since the WS hasn't obeyed, why am I? Why can't I let her know exactly what she is doing?!
My last concern is that my WS keeps telling me how much the OW cares for me. (?!) My mind still cannot comprehend this idea. How is it that someone "cares" for me, but they make every action to destroy my marriage? How is it that someone "cares" for me, but she will not stop contacting and pursuing my husband? I say this because it is another reason in his logic for having a friendship with her. Because she "cares" about me, they can be friends. WE (?!) could be friends?! I don't get it. I simply don't get it.

I have told him that anyone else would've left by now. With the behaviors I have endured, I have every reason to. But my heart says I have every reason to fight. My love says, "Fight, Fight Fight!!"

Brokenhearted49 posted 6/6/2013 15:45 PM

Stay the course! Your instincts are spot on! I am in the same friend and my daughters godmother. She is now dead to me and my husband. Absolutely no contact is the only way to go. If your husband is waffling, then he is still attached to her. No contact, no mercy. Let her find her own confidant. You're not running an emotional support charity. Stay strong-you deserve better ! Lots of hugs your way.

still2suspicious posted 6/6/2013 16:03 PM


There's a saying here "It stops when YOU say it stops", and you need say STOP!

You can read my profile, if you'd like. My FWH had a secret LTEA, still not exactly how long, but at least 2 to 3 yrs!

We were already separated when I found out. When we decided to R, we went to a Gottman weekend. When I was talking about her I said she is gone! He said she is his friend, and he didn't want to lose her. Asked can we revisit this in 6 months? NO! how about 1 yr? HELL NO! It was fish or cut bait for me. Luckily for Mr S2S he made the right choice

4 yrs out and I am just now getting to the point of saying we are almost completely healed. Granted I did not have SI for the first 2 yrs, and we did not do MC until last summer, so my time-frame is a little on the slow up-take side.

2 in a M, not 3, not ever! Especially since they already had a PA.

Nope, ain't gonna happen.

Don't let him call the shots at this point.


PM me if I can answer any questions.

Tearsoflove posted 6/6/2013 16:19 PM

Not only is your husband completely disrespecting you by continuing contact, but by not letting go, he is not allowing himself or the OW to move forward. Each contact starts both of their withdrawal processes over again and prolongs getting over each other and moving on.

If I had any one thing to say to any newbie, it would be to insist on no contact with her or no contact with you. It's torturous behavior to subject all parties to.

I know it's scary but having his cake and eating it doesn't allow him to see what it would be like to not have both and each time you overlook it, it takes a chunk of your self-esteem.

My husband cheated twice. The second time, he said he should be able to be "friends" and that I was trying to pick his friends. I told him that I was not choosing his friends, I was choosing what I needed for a healthy marriage. He could choose to be friends with her if he wanted but he couldn't also be married to me. He chose the marriage, luckily for him.

As hard as this is, if your husband chooses the OW over you right now, it will be that much quicker for you to get through the pain and move on. If he chooses you over OW, it is that much quicker for her to get through it and move on. As long as he chooses you both, nobody gets through the pain, the drama continues to be fed, and even your husband suffers for his choice.

isadora posted 6/6/2013 18:35 PM


I am sorry you are having to endure this. I know some of your instincts are telling you to stay in the fight. But as long as your WH remains in contact with OW you cannot win this fight. The only way to "win" is to simply let go of the rope.

Right now there are no consequences for him. He cannot see beyond his own selfish interests for you to reason with. He has the OW vying for his attention, he has you fighting to keep him. He has no reason to stop seeing her.

FWH kept breaking NC. Kept finding reasons to keep talking to her. I didn't have him, he was present but not an H. He said a lot of pretty things, but he was also saying a lot of stuff to OW too. All I got was a few more DDays. The A ended when I let go, when I conceded the fight and just stopped caring.

right now you are in the eye of the hurricane and you don't have the perspective we do. Focus on you more and him less.

Hang in there

Fighting2Survive posted 6/6/2013 18:58 PM


He's still in the A. You, as a couple, can't heal from the affair as long as he is still having it.

He has told me he loves me. He continually tells me how wonderful I am and how amazing of a wife and mother I am. Then, he says he has "feelings" for another. Or, he doesn't have "emotions" for me. He says he is working on the "emotions" for me. He says he wants our marriage to work. But within the same breath, he says he needs to continue the friendship with the OW.

It's not a friendship. It's an EA. His emotions will stay cut off from you as long as he's diverting emotional energy from the M to invest in the A.

You have to find your bottom line. I know you said you can't tell him it's you or the AP, but know this... If you don't find a way to do exactly that, your marriage will be slowly choked off by his emotional investment in the A.

My love says, "Fight, Fight Fight!!"

Then do that. Do it by setting CLEAR BOUNDARIES for what you will tolerate. You can't love him out of the A and back into the M. What you can do is be very clear about how you expect to be treated and that you expect him to honor his vows fully. Set consequences for him not honoring your boundaries and follow through.

Fight for yourself. If you do that, you have your best chance at saving the M.

GingerAle posted 6/6/2013 19:07 PM

Like everyone else has said, NO WAY can they be friends if he wants to R with you. Ask him, "In what context could I possibly accept a friendship b/n you and the woman that helped destroy my sense of trust, security, and happiness?" And why would he want to be friends with someone like that?" He has seen the excruciating pain this has caused you, he should be willing to do anything he can to help you heal.

You sound very strong, and I know that is so hard when you're going through this. Listen to your gut. It's probably still an EA, at the least.

((((The Greatest Love))))

[This message edited by GingerAle at 7:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Jospehine85 posted 6/6/2013 19:09 PM

I don't know that I can say, NC or no me.

Yes. Yes you can. And you should say it tonight. You need to wage a shock and awe campaign. Tell him he will put your feelings before OW. Tell him there will be no contact with OW ever again or he will find his belongings on the front lawn. Then follow through with it.

Do NOT waste your life waiting for him to make a choice between the two of you, because he already has. He has chosen to keep OW in his life. He is just going to wear you down until you are ok with this.

YOU need to make a choice. You need to decide if you are ok with your WH having a girlfriend on the side. Obviously the answer to that is NO.

So then YOU need to demand he respect you. The things he is saying to you and asking of you does not show respect for you.

There can only be 2 people in your marriage.

Time to put on your bitch boots and stand up for yourself TheGreatestLove

TheGreatestLove posted 6/6/2013 19:32 PM

I just lost the fight. Tonight, after reaching out for your advice and resources, before I could stand on my own two feet and say NC - he told me he is leaving.
I am devastated.

Dark Inertia posted 6/6/2013 19:41 PM

I understand that YOU love him, that YOU feel the marriage is worth fighting for, that YOU are in it for him, but how does HE feel? It doesn't appear he feels the same way. Solely because of this:

Most recently, he has told me that she serves the need of "conversation", and that he feels he needs to continue.

He is not willing to give her up. Your relationship with him is not worth dissolving his relationship with her. That is basically what he is saying. If he felt as strongly as you do about your love then he would have dropped her ass like a hot potato.

So you can say all day long that he is worth it, you are in it for him, your love for him is strong, but if he doesn't feel the same way (as he is displaying through his actions and words) then where does that leave you? When do you draw the line? What do you do to really buckle down and fight tooth and nail for you marriage?

BTW, I am pretty sure from all that you said that if he does come around and cut off communication he would probably just be taking it underground. Just a warning. Don't let love blind you, keep your sensors up.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 7:41 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

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