For me, it started out as a letter to my WW. We always had communication issues and she was refusing to talk to me after D-Day so I began to write down what I wanted to say to her.
It went through several revisions over the course of a week; as my feelings and mood changed, so did the letter. It went through the most dramatic changes after I started reading and posting on SI. I revised the parts of the letter where I was taking blame and I was able to put 100% of the responsibility for her choices, on her.
It was extremely cathartic to be able to really flesh out exactly how I was feeling.
I was able to give WW the 4 page letter and watch as she read it. I received no response or feedback after she was finished but when she left, WW asked for a copy so she could take it with her.
Soon after, I began another letter. This one was quite a bit less angry and harsh and a lot more introspective. I looked at things that had happened in the marriage and could see many warning signs and how I contributed to some of the problems in the marriage (but without taking any responsibility for the A, that was her choice).
This letter also went through several revisions and I was able to see that I was codependent and was sacrificing too much of myself to give her what I thought she wanted.
I was able to give WW this most recent letter and told her to read it when she gets back to her new apartment.
I plan to keep on writing, even if I never give WW any of the rest of what I write.
I find that it's handy to have the computer nearby; you never know when a new idea or revelation will strike you and let's face it, are attention span isn't that great during this time of grief, so it's good to get it written down so you don't forget.
I hope this helps others as much as it has helped me.
Take care of yourselves and like my MIL says, drink water, its good for your brain.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Just write what's in your heart and know that in a half hour it will probably change and change back again and that's ok.
You don't ever have to show what you've written to anyone else if you don't want to but it feels good to get your point across without having to face an emotionally charged conversation where you can't even begin to think straight.
[This message edited by didiknow at 4:46 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]
I have written my H three letters now. The first one was VERY angry but getting it out was cathartic. I am a decent writer and knew I could make my point better in that form. The second letter I wrote was like yours - less angry and more self-searching. He wrote me a letter too - it was an apology letter. It's beautiful. I have since written a third letter and in it I have acknowledged all of the good things he has done to show remorse and help me heal.
Can you please expand on this. I find it very interesting:
...I was able to see that I was codependent and was sacrificing too much of myself to give her what I thought she wanted.
Now we are 11 weeks from d day and he is still living at his mother's. we have both been in IC and have just started MC. He wants to reconcile but still no remorse or disclosure. I am much stronger now. In the beginning I would get panic attacks thinking we would never reconcile. Now I get panic attacks when I think we will. Mostly because I see right through his manipulative, controlling behavior. I am so glad he does not have my letter.
[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 7:44 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]
One of the things I discovered after DDay was that my WW, although shocked that I had uncovered her A, was vastly more prepared to verbally assault me with blame for her decision than I was at understanding what had occurred. I was bewildered, overwhelmed with data, and unable to arrange my thoughts. Writing is a valuable technique in taking control of your thoughts, memories, facts and emotions. For those confused, depressed, uncertain of the future...write. You don't have to share it.
"You will never be the same. You accept it. You will never have closure. There is no such a word as closure. Closure does not exist. Life is different. Now you get to choose what you're going to do with it."