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didiknow posted 6/6/2013 14:41 PM

Some of you may already be writing down various things that you discover; either to keep track of all the information or for use as evidence later on but there's another kind of writing that you may want to try.

For me, it started out as a letter to my WW. We always had communication issues and she was refusing to talk to me after D-Day so I began to write down what I wanted to say to her.

It went through several revisions over the course of a week; as my feelings and mood changed, so did the letter. It went through the most dramatic changes after I started reading and posting on SI. I revised the parts of the letter where I was taking blame and I was able to put 100% of the responsibility for her choices, on her.

It was extremely cathartic to be able to really flesh out exactly how I was feeling.

I was able to give WW the 4 page letter and watch as she read it. I received no response or feedback after she was finished but when she left, WW asked for a copy so she could take it with her.

Soon after, I began another letter. This one was quite a bit less angry and harsh and a lot more introspective. I looked at things that had happened in the marriage and could see many warning signs and how I contributed to some of the problems in the marriage (but without taking any responsibility for the A, that was her choice).

This letter also went through several revisions and I was able to see that I was codependent and was sacrificing too much of myself to give her what I thought she wanted.

I was able to give WW this most recent letter and told her to read it when she gets back to her new apartment.

I plan to keep on writing, even if I never give WW any of the rest of what I write.

I find that it's handy to have the computer nearby; you never know when a new idea or revelation will strike you and let's face it, are attention span isn't that great during this time of grief, so it's good to get it written down so you don't forget.

I hope this helps others as much as it has helped me.
Take care of yourselves and like my MIL says, drink water, its good for your brain.

Skan posted 6/6/2013 15:57 PM

I journaled extensively on my computer for many months. And I also found it (and still find it) very helpful to write down what I wanted to say. In the emotions of actually talking, I found that quite often I would lose my way or my thread of thought. I sent many an email to my FWH telling him what I was thinking, feeling, or notes of encouragement when he was doing things to help and notes to let him know when I thought he was hindering me. He read all of them and let me know that it was very helpful to him, to have them to refer back to. He's actually got a file on his computer where he's stashed all of my writing to him.

Without12 posted 6/6/2013 16:18 PM

After d-day, I went back to journaling also. But, my ws is searching to read my feelings and use them against me. I hope this site will help me sort things out w/o ws prying and spying. I'd love a copy of your letter to revise and send to him. Every letter I have rewritten ends up in the can. I can't seem to come up with a sticking thought. I write the perfect letter for ws then a few hours later I reread and decide its not perfect anymore. I just can't seem to think straight. LOL

didiknow posted 6/6/2013 16:44 PM

I know what you mean, i rewrote my letters many times over and it would change again if I hadn't already given it to her. At first, I almost regretted leaving some things in there becaouse they were quite harsh but I'm glad that I didn't remove them. She needed to know exactly how I was feeling, even if I was no longer feeling that way. I needed to let WW know exactly how much pain she caused me, even though they can never truly comprehend.

Just write what's in your heart and know that in a half hour it will probably change and change back again and that's ok.

You don't ever have to show what you've written to anyone else if you don't want to but it feels good to get your point across without having to face an emotionally charged conversation where you can't even begin to think straight.

[This message edited by didiknow at 4:46 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

LA44 posted 6/6/2013 19:28 PM

Good advice didiknow.

I have written my H three letters now. The first one was VERY angry but getting it out was cathartic. I am a decent writer and knew I could make my point better in that form. The second letter I wrote was like yours - less angry and more self-searching. He wrote me a letter too - it was an apology letter. It's beautiful. I have since written a third letter and in it I have acknowledged all of the good things he has done to show remorse and help me heal.

Can you please expand on this. I find it very interesting:

...I was able to see that I was codependent and was sacrificing too much of myself to give her what I thought she wanted.

Thank you
LA

OnMyFeet posted 6/6/2013 19:34 PM

I think that is such a great idea! I journaled every day after D-Day. I said things there, that were crazy and angry but what I was really feeling. That helped me make my point without sounding like I was losing my mind (which I felt I was.) Good for you for writing!!

eyesrnowopen posted 6/6/2013 19:42 PM

Write away but be careful what you actually give them to read. I wrote my WS an 8 page letter after dd. I poured my heart out asking him why, telling him how much I loved him and how much he hurt me. At that time he was angry at me and blaming me for a bad marriage. He left the letter in his car for 24 hours unopened. That is how little regard he had for my feelings. I saw it and took it back. I still have it and thank God he didn't read it.

Now we are 11 weeks from d day and he is still living at his mother's. we have both been in IC and have just started MC. He wants to reconcile but still no remorse or disclosure. I am much stronger now. In the beginning I would get panic attacks thinking we would never reconcile. Now I get panic attacks when I think we will. Mostly because I see right through his manipulative, controlling behavior. I am so glad he does not have my letter.

[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 7:44 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Ghostrider posted 6/6/2013 21:06 PM

Good post.

One of the things I discovered after DDay was that my WW, although shocked that I had uncovered her A, was vastly more prepared to verbally assault me with blame for her decision than I was at understanding what had occurred. I was bewildered, overwhelmed with data, and unable to arrange my thoughts. Writing is a valuable technique in taking control of your thoughts, memories, facts and emotions. For those confused, depressed, uncertain of the future...write. You don't have to share it.

Skan posted 6/7/2013 10:22 AM

Without12, do you know that there is a journaling function on this site? I think that you'll find it on your profile page. So as long as your WS doesn't have your password here, it should be safe.