I don't think forgiveness is something that happens once and that's it. It happens every day you choose to stay and R. Sometimes you're more forgiving, other days less so, but ultimately, it's a daily thing.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
there did come a time though when I came to a place of peace with things. and that was good enough for me
The fact that I have extended forgiveness to him does not mean that I have turned off my brain, my memory, or excised every trigger. Hell, he came up to our bedroom last night while I was reading there, and tried to tuck me in. He "tucked" me in every night before, and then would go downstairs to his porn for 4 years. And hell yes, I triggered and told him to never tuck me in again, which he instantly got.
If he expects you to never think about his A again IF he is forgiven, then I guess he will never receive forgiveness.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I forgave my H several years ago, and we still have A related talks, and I still most definitely hurt when I think of it, and I also have triggers from time to time as well.
I wonder how he would respond if you mentioned having a child that passed away unexpectedly. Would he consider himself healed from that passing once he forgot that child existed? Would he be able to forget the pain of losing that child? Certainly he could heal, but does "heal" mean forget? I think not.
I think you are right on. Throughout the course of life we all have "injustices" happen to us and I would say that most of those experienced by my WH and myself would fall in the "forgive and forget" end of the injustice spectrum. The exception is the A and frankly I dont expect him to understand how I feel because he has never experienced this level of pain at the hands of someone you love. So I believe this is why our definitions are so far apart. He has never complained or gotten irritated that I think about the A, he understands its something I wish I didnt think about but I have no choice. Now we just need to work through our understanding of what forgiveness looks like. Thank you guys for responding!