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Defining forgiveness

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Jadedgirl posted 6/6/2013 15:10 PM

WH and I were having a late night A related discussion and he stated one of his biggest fears is that I will not be able to forgive him. He thinks forgiveness will be apparent because I will no longer think about the A or have triggers or A related sadness. My definition of forgiveness is completely different. I think I am moving towards forgiveness as indicated by my feelings towards WH. I think that forgiving is very necessary however forgetting will likely not happen. Can we forgive without forgetting? I view forgetting as a slippery slope that may end us back in the same situation....

faithhopelove23 posted 6/6/2013 15:16 PM

I have to agree that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. But I do think, over time, that forgiveness can bring healing and lessen the hurt and make the sadness/triggers and thoughts become less and less often. But there will always be consequences. Unfortunately, although the kids do not know details, they do know that WH moved out for 7 months. That in itself has many more consequences then he will admit or see. I think it would be putting blinders on to forget totally.

Fallen posted 6/6/2013 16:32 PM

Look at my tagline.

I don't think forgiveness is something that happens once and that's it. It happens every day you choose to stay and R. Sometimes you're more forgiving, other days less so, but ultimately, it's a daily thing.

unfound posted 6/6/2013 16:36 PM

I wrestled with "forgiveness" for a long long time after dday. more so with the many meanings attached to what forgiveness was. none of them were acceptable to me, or honestly within my nature.

there did come a time though when I came to a place of peace with things. and that was good enough for me

Skan posted 6/6/2013 16:41 PM

I have forgiven my husband, and we still think about and discuss his ONS, stripper fixes, and watching porn. I recently (last Sunday) asked him if he still had urges to go out to stripper bars and we had a small discussion about that (BTW, he said no, smart man).

The fact that I have extended forgiveness to him does not mean that I have turned off my brain, my memory, or excised every trigger. Hell, he came up to our bedroom last night while I was reading there, and tried to tuck me in. He "tucked" me in every night before, and then would go downstairs to his porn for 4 years. And hell yes, I triggered and told him to never tuck me in again, which he instantly got.

If he expects you to never think about his A again IF he is forgiven, then I guess he will never receive forgiveness.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/6/2013 18:09 PM

He is confusing forgiveness with forgetting. Period.

I forgave my H several years ago, and we still have A related talks, and I still most definitely hurt when I think of it, and I also have triggers from time to time as well.

I wonder how he would respond if you mentioned having a child that passed away unexpectedly. Would he consider himself healed from that passing once he forgot that child existed? Would he be able to forget the pain of losing that child? Certainly he could heal, but does "heal" mean forget? I think not.

Jadedgirl posted 6/6/2013 20:09 PM


I think you are right on. Throughout the course of life we all have "injustices" happen to us and I would say that most of those experienced by my WH and myself would fall in the "forgive and forget" end of the injustice spectrum. The exception is the A and frankly I dont expect him to understand how I feel because he has never experienced this level of pain at the hands of someone you love. So I believe this is why our definitions are so far apart. He has never complained or gotten irritated that I think about the A, he understands its something I wish I didnt think about but I have no choice. Now we just need to work through our understanding of what forgiveness looks like. Thank you guys for responding!

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