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whyme2470 posted 6/6/2013 15:41 PM

First time posting here. I have seen the list of abbreviations but right now they aren't sticking with me, should a mod need to edit this if the abbreviations are required please feel free to do so, I apologize in advance.

I've got a long story here and will do my best to make it a bit shorter. I'm 42 and my husband is 43. We've been married 20 yrs last Oct. and together for 25. He had cheated on me twice when we were dating with two different females. We were teens at the time, while it was very hard, I was able to put it behind us when we married. He promised it would never happen again. I believed it because his Dad had cheated on his Mom when he was a kid, and left all of them to move in with the other woman, I didn't think he would do that to us. We have two daughters 18 and 5.

I'll go from the last 5 years as that is when things started falling apart. While I was pregnant with our 2nd child, I started to feel neglected (I had felt this way years ago as well)because he was always with his friends, watching sports, going out, drinking. He was home a lot but they were always out in the garage (the man cave) and I was just bored/felt out of place so I didn't go out there much. Shortly after she was born she started with colic, cried for almost a year, it was stressful and I was also suffering from post partum. I'm sure I naturally became crabby and we just didn't have much of a relationship. Then I had the Mirena put in and it screwed up my cycle, hence there was no intimacy.

The second year our first daughter started having some trouble, teen years. She thought she was pregnant after being with a boy for the first time, it was very traumatic. I was so stressed from this, she kept crying because the boy dumped her and all kinds of other things. Sex was just not something I even thought about, all I could think about was her. She became depressed, started hanging out with the wrong kids, and eventually got into drugs. He wasn't too much help with everything, he would just tell her not to do this or that, which went in one ear and out the other. I understand it's hard for guys to deal with a teen girl, and that's fine but I still needed some support it would have helped.

Then he lost his job because of his anger issues. That was rough but I was working from home making personalized items so I thought it might be kind of nice to let him play Mom for awhile and I'd be happy to work more and take care of the bills. He did help out for awhile but several months went by and he didn't even look for a job. I had some savings that I put aside for maybe a family vacation or college, car etc. I decided to use that to help us get by until he found work.I started working 7 days a week to make as much as I possibly could to keep up with our bills and keep our credit I had worked so hard to repair in the past. There was no intimacy still, mainly because I was stressed, tired, or just angry he wasn't doing much.

My daughter got worse and attempted suicide. That's a long story in itself but the last 3 years I have been taking her to counselors, therapists, watching all her texts/computer activity, constantly worrying about her, on the phone trying to find places for her, switched schools, etc. All while doing that, still working 7 days.

The little one started having some temper problems, could be because of him, could be in the genes I don't know, but it was hard. She wouldn't potty train and would have accidents all the time, all I would hear was him yelling and her crying. He started drinking more and more.

Last year the oldest ended up in an outpatient program because she just kept breaking down, couldn't get through school, would text me constantly that she is sad, wants to come home etc. She was in the program for 3 weeks. They had to write a letter to their parents about things that bothered them at home. She had asked of her dad three things 1.quit or slow down on drinking 2. get help with the anger 3. find a job. When she got out, he didn't do any of that. He kept drinking, not helping me much at all at this point. I'd be upstairs working and would come down to find my little one alone while he was napping in the garage. I was literally going out of my mind trying to deal with everything and it took a toll on my health. I was getting horrible migraines and was told several times they were caused from stress. I had told him so many times I needed help but he didn't do much and his anger got worse. He always wanted to have sex but I didn't want to, I just wanted to sleep for 3-4 hours so I could get back up and make more money. I was like a robot, literally. I became depressed and would cry every night that he would wake up and help us, but he never did.

Finally last June I went to a therapist. I explained what was going on and that I wanted to help my husband and fix our marriage but we had communication problems, we could never just talk, it was always arguements. The Therapist told me I am taking on too much and I need to pick priorities, which obviously was my daughter and then the finances which bills were just piling up. I figure I would take care of that then get over to my husband and work on him and us.

So I worked constantly, I did everything and went on so very little sleep the last year. He was going out more often and now I was not only trying to work but also had to watch the little one while working because he wasn't home. In November my sister who lives downstairs, is a narcissist. She purposely adopted a dog, knowing that I am allergic to it. She lives in a downstairs area so it wasn't up here but the allergens traveled fast. I ended up in the ER, she went nuts said she was going to move out (we can't afford to move due to our own circumstances) and for some reason everyone was mad at me because they had to get rid of the dog. I lost my mind. My husband wasn't around much and I prayed every night for his support, I had been strong but I was starting to fall fast from all these incidents.

Also, last June, he came out of the blue and accused me of cheating. I had laughed because I thought he was kidding. I mean I NEVER went out and worked every single day all the bills were paid, so how would I have time to cheat? I got so angry with him! Not only that but he convinced family and friends I was cheating! Told everyone we hadn't had sex in years and that I'm always on the computer (which I am on for work a lot!). So now all these people are looking at me like a bad guy and no one said anything about him not working for 2 1/2 years or that I had been working my tail off to keep this family together.

In Sept. he hung up a chain I had given him while were dating and said "thats it". I honestly thought he was just rambling as he usually did. I couldn't deal with it at that time so I just ignored it. I figured if he saw me ignoring him maybe he would come talk to me like I asked him to and let me know he will be there for me. He never did, his life went on and mine just work/kids/depression/health issues/massive debt.

My daughter started to get a little better, she still struggles but I could see that we were finally making progress. I decided to organize the entire house as it became a huge disaster the past few years, and it's hard for me to think when everything is a mess. I have adult ADD so being organized helps me a lot. I wanted to do that then I was going to my husband to work on that issue.

In Dec. I got a weird call on my cell, someone said I should ask my husband if "his boys swim good". I thought it was the wrong number didn't think nothing of it. In Jan. I got a call (blocked) saying "he doesn't love you". Again, I had so much going on I thought it was one of my daughters friends with the wrong number.

The end of Jan (this year) I started talking to my husband little by little trying to show some affection. He seemed odd, but I realized we hadn't been together in about 4 years so I knew this would take time. But I kept getting an odd feeling, and then I would shake randomly like a panic attack. I noticed 2 nights he didn't come home at all, figured he was drinking and just stayed at his friends house (yep this is how stressed I was to be so stupid not to notice!). My oldest made a comment saying are you sure Dad isn't doing anything because he has been out a lot and he's not home when I come home from concerts. I shrugged it off, he has some issues but I didn't think cheating was one of them.

Feb. came along and on valentines day I bought a nice dinner and tried to make a nice evening of it. He was still acting odd. I was convinced he didn't love me anymore. I had lost a ton of weight since June and became too skinny, he would call me Ethiopian and sometimes make a shiver noise when he walked past me. So I thought that's the problem, I'm ugly, I'm not much fun because I'm always working, etc etc. I started to go out of my mind.

Finally in middle of Feb. we had sex for the first time in 4 years. I knew something was wrong without getting into detail, but again, thought it was me. But this was weird because after, he went back downstairs (he had slept on the couch for years) and didn't sleep with me. We were having sex every so often then, but still he wouldn't sleep upstairs with me. I felt like I was being used, I didn't know what was up but it was a horrible feeling.

He doesn't talk face to face too much and the only way to get him to talk a little is through email or text. I'll take it because we need to discuss a lot of things, it's a form of communication I guess. We talked a bit, he said he always loved me, but kept going back to the 4 years saying "no contact from you for 4 years". No mention of his actions, just mine. We talked a lot that way and ended up being closer and closer. Then things really started to get better and I actually felt happy, first time in many years.

Then I started getting those calls again AND someone was dropping letters off at my house. They basically all said my husband doesn't love me, I should ask what he has been doing, my husband says I'm ugly and annorexic, he has a real woman now, etc etc. One letter had screen shots of FB posts that he made on someones wall, but they blurred out whose wall it was. So now I'm becoming VERY suspicious, yet I'm still all messed up from just everything so not in my normal thinking mode. He kept saying it was nothing and someone is playing a cruel joke. Boy did my head start spinning, I didn't know what to think. I mean he was home every night so how could he be with someone. Then one day another letter came and my oldest got it and read it! She was devastated, said if he is doing that she will never speak to him again, just a ton of emotions that she did not need what so ever. Finally after several of these calls and letters I knew I had to dig. I couldn't get into his phone he had a passcode on it (should've known because he was texting like mad the past few months when he rarely uses the phone). I looked at his computer but didn't see anything. Then I decided to check his bank statements and found ATM withdrawls in another suburb where he doesn't know anyone (so I thought). Then I checked the phone bills and wow the text messages were in 1000's.

To shorten all of that, I had discovered that he was cheating on me with the same girl he had cheated on me with when we were dating! Not only that, but it started in JUNE! AND he was obviously having sex with both of us during Feb. as he said the last time they had sex was Feb. I was blown away and still am.

Well these past few months I've been asking questions about the affair and I get very little response. It took forever to get him to admit it. He did apologize, said he knew he hurt me and it wouldn't happen again. He said this is where he wants to be and that he loves me. That part I do believe, it was VERY sincere. I told him he can never have contact with her again but he never really responded besides saying he stopped seeing her. I was under the impression the last time they had contact was Feb. and that it was over. I found a half nude pic of her on his phone that was taken MARCH 1st. But that's right at the time it ended so I do think they haven't done anything since Feb.

However, I found out the other day that he emailed her from his new job, with that new email (that I can't see) on May 4th! I asked him why and he said they were trying to find out who sent the letters (I did find out it was her as she told an acquaintance she was hoping I would kick him out and they could be together). I had emailed her May 1st and told her not to contact him again, she apparently forwarded it to his work. I asked him why couldn't he email her from his yahoo account that is on his phone and show me/tell me? It took him like a week to answer and basically just said it was a private. I tried to explain there is no private anymore and I wanted to see it, but of course it was deleted. He swears he has not talked to her in any way since then. That could be true because my source knows her and she did say she "misses him". Whatever I don't care about her but I do care that she is so taken by him that she doesn't want to give up on him, so she says.

So I have made a choice to try and work things out, I at least want to try. I've invested 25 years of my life with his man, I love him so much and I want to try. I have seen some changes in him but we have a long way to go. The first step to that is answering ALL of my questions about the affair. It's like pulling teeth, it takes forever to answer anything. He keeps asking why I want to know. I feel that I NEED there to be no secret kept from me, that NOTHING should be just between them, anything she knows I should know. That's just not the case right now. I have a file saved online with the database of his phone, it has almost all the text messages in it. I can read the entire thing if I want, but I don't want to. I want him to tell me. I do know quite a few things and also want to see if he tells the truth, he doesn't know exactly what I know, so I can compare to see if he is telling the truth. But it's taking so long and I'm so drained out. I feel I have to know everything in order to start dealing with it. I cry every day several times a day. I haven't worked since April because I can't function. I am depressed, but its just due to the fact I'm trying to deal with this. I'm still shocked. I am so hurt. My heart is just shattered. I never thought he would do this to me, not only that but with that girl I already hated AND how it went on since June! When he accused me! He saw me struggling, he saw our daughter struggling, why would he do this? He says he was going to leave but he didn't have money. Well I didn't know he 'left' I thought he was still my husband this whole time, I had no idea.

I need to get my questions answered. I also would really like a no contact email, but they broke it off already so is that appropriate? I just want to see that conversation with my own eyes. I don't think he loved her, he says he didn't, I think it was a fling, there was no relationship with us and she just happened to give him everything I didn't because I was busy taking care of the family. He also tried hooking up with another girl last year, an ex, but she was getting married so nothing there. But that tells me he couldn't of really cared for this girl too much if he was trying for the other one.

You know what I wish? I wish he would say something bad about her or say what a huge mistake it was talking to her, say that no one could replace me, she was annoying or SOMETHING! She sent those notes and my daughter found it and is devastated by it, shouldn't that be enough? How could he even talk to this woman after she tortured me, scared my daughter and obviously took the cat out of the bag with him. I guess I'd feel better if I heard him say he hated her, or she's a bitch or whatever. I need to hear that as weird as it sounds.

Right now we are going day by day. I am happy to report my oldest made it through HS and graduated on Sunday! That was what my goal was for so many years, and she did it. I can't even explain that emotion because it was a rough ride. After she found the letter she started messing up in school again and became depressed. I begged her to please graduate because everything I did the past few years would be for nothing. I have lost everything. My husband, our savings, our credit, my health. So I just wanted her to graduate, she didn't let me down and she did it. So now we need to work on this marriage. I feel he is blaming me for it because he keeps twisting stuff about the last four years when I ask a question. Yes, we had problems and I will take some blame for that but I'm sorry, cheating is a choice all he had to do was come upstairs, talk to me like a human, and show me some support. He chose to find someone else, that's not my doing. I could have found someone else too that would help us out, but that thought didn't even cross my mind. I take marriage very seriously and would never cheat. So I'd really like to try, he wants to as well but I feel the ball is in his court. I need him to be completely honest with me about everything, even if there is something else recently or in the past, I want to know everything. I want him to leave his stuff open where I can access it if I choose to do so. He was a little weird on that saying he will NOT be spyed on. I refuse to track all his texts or put programs on the computer, I did that with my daughter for 3 years and don't want to live like that. However, I do want to have access to his fb, email, and phone IF I choose to look at it. I plan on giving him access to mine as well so he can stop being paranoid. We should have everything in the open from this point forward. I think we should also do counseling, problem is we are so broke with so many past due bills, I don't know if we can afford it. I will have to look around for a sliding scale one. He isn't as Christian as I am so I don't think he would go to the church. I don't care who it is but we should probably do that in the very near future. First, I want the whole story and my questions answered then I can go from there.

I feel so lost. I don't feel like me. I wonder if we are even married? I took off my rings because I feel like I'm married to no one, he has broken his vow. I feel like we don't have anything special anymore that is just between us. He had unprotected sex with her (yes I did go get tested) and I find that so disgusting. It's like he isn't mine anymore. I don't know what to feel. I love him very much I know that much. I know he's not a liar, he's not a bad person. He has issues he must work on with anger and jealousy but the man inside is not a bad man. I want to help him. I want to try. However, I will not be screwed over again nor will I tolerate it ever again. This is it, if it happens again I'll have to leave as hard as it would be, that is what I will do.

Since we don't have great communication skills and it seems most things are answered via text or email, is it ok to communicate in that manner for now? Yes, that needs to stop we need to be able to talk face to face and that is something we will work on, but for now, since we have trouble with it, it's just the texts/email. I'll take it but I don't know how to get him to really open up to me. He should be coming forth with it on his own telling me the whole story and then answering questions afterward if I have some. How do I go about this? How do I get answers? I will know if he is telling the truth with some as I already know some answers but other things I don't know, so how do I know if he's still hiding some stuff. How do I make him understand that this is what I need to heal? How do I explain this massive hurt I feel? Sometimes his day goes on normally while I am so depressed. I feel like he thinks he got away with it to a point, I don't think that's true I think he shuts things out, but that's how I feel. This will not be swept under the rug, we must deal with it THEN we must deal with our problems we had that led up to this.

How did you all get through it? When can you start to just function again? I mean I keep thinking back and now I know he was texting her at the dinner table I thought it was his friend. When he didn't come home he was with her. He even talked to her on the phone right in front of me while giving our little one a bath, I finally realized that too. I washed his clothes after he came home. I made him coffee in the morning and he probably took it with him to see her. So many things just remind me and it hurts so bad. I'm not a good mom right now, we are falling behind in bills, I just can't do anything, I need a break even though it's not a good time, but I just can't do anything right now. I will go see a therapist soon, I have to plan our daughters grad party on the 15th then try to get through that day without letting on to others whats going on (very few relatives know at this point). How do you go on? Does it get better? What are things that the WS can do to help that?

I'm sorry this is so long , I'm bottled up. I have no friends really, my family really isn't there for me so I really have no one. I look forward to responses and will check back here as soon as I can. Thank you for listening, it's "nice" to not be alone, even if we are all hurting, I don't feel I'm the only one. I am not going to correct spelling right now so I hope this all came out ok. :)

unfound posted 6/6/2013 17:17 PM

I'm so sorry .

everything, everything you're feeling is perfectly normal given what you've gone through.

find a good counselor that specializes in marriages affected by affairs. they'll not only be able to help you through the mess you're going to go through, but help with learning healthy communication.

wanting to know all the details and answering all your questions is a must if your husband wants this to work out. not only will it show his willingness to be honest with you, but also that he has nothing else to hide. also, if he refuses to answer your questions, what are the consequences going to be?? this is nothing you have to figure out right now, as now is the time to be taking care of yourself.

know you're not alone and will find great advice and guidance here. don't worry about the abbreviations or spelling , everyone here knows what you mean.

1Faith posted 6/6/2013 17:38 PM

Dear Why

I am so sorry that you find yourself here but it is one of the best places you can be under the circumstances.

We have all been there one way or another. Everyone's journey is different but themes are similar and we all know the sense of loss and despair you feel.

Please take one day at a time. Your mind can't absorb everything at once. Your mind and body will shut down and the migraines will get worse (speaking from experience). Deep breath.

Find an IC to help you deal with ALL you've been dealing with. It's a lot besides the A. You need time and clarity for YOU before you can decide anything with your M.

Please visit the Healing Library and read, read, read.

Second - NO CONTACT for ANY reason btwn H and OW. None. Zilch. Deal breaker. You can work on your marriage if she's still in it.

Keep posting and know you are worth truth, honesty and love.

Good luck. We are here

BlindSighted2013 posted 6/6/2013 18:39 PM

Dear Why, just wanted to offer a cyber hug {{{ }}}

Don't worry about the abbreviations, I still don't get most of them either, but there is a list of them in the Healing Library if you want to take a look. You'll find it on the left hand side of this page.

The Healing Library is soooo chalk full of good info. It helped me a ton during my first couple of weeks after D-Day (Discovery Day).

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I recognize some of your story from myself being also a giver and giver (I'm starting to realize that is codependency in myself) until there is not only nothing left to give, but it still was never enough.

I don't think that there is anything "wrong" with texting, but like you say it's not a substitute for f2f discussion. WH (wayward hubby) and I text throughout the day now. Simple things, but also we are starting to share our feelings through text...just one word....sad, lonely, happy, excited, etc. That's a far far cry from what we'd done in the previous 33 years lol. It has made for some surprising out of the blue phone calls from WH during the day.

I absolutely get what you mean about not knowing if you are married now. I felt and still do feel like 2/3 of my whole life was a lie that I was too stupid to see. think most of us have that feeling of being in limbo. It totally blew me away when I first came here to SI (this website) and read story after story that described the exact feelings that I felt. :)

I'll be honest...tomorrow is one month out from D-Day for us, and I am only now starting to have strings of hours during the day where I feel as if I may not be going insane and cracking open after all. This is not easy, that is for sure.

More {{{Hugs}}}

[This message edited by BlindSighted2013 at 6:41 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

TheAgonyOfIt posted 6/7/2013 01:05 AM

hi whyme,

so sorry for your complicated and painful situation. although our situations are different, i see a lot of what i have gone through in your posting; specifically how men, when stressed by life events and feeling neglected by their wives, sometimes, too often, "check out" and find relief, escape in another woman. it's their way of coping and it's idiotic but all too common. you have a great deal of company.

it's cowardly, it's wrong and it's devastatingly hurtful to the spouse when discovered. it's also mostly unconscious and extremely selfish; the cheater really doesn't normally even think of his spouse when he's with/chasing the other woman, because he's So involved in his own needs.

And going outside the marriage also Very Often speaks of poor communication skills, like duh, why didn't you just come to me with your feelings instead of stepping out? And then, when the affair is discovered their poor communication skills are still causing trouble to the betrayed spouse because Wayward Spouse really doesn't know how to communicate and/ or is not really in touch or aware of his own feelings, or why he did what he did, that we betrayeds feel so crazy when we seek real, honest, deep communication and cannot get it.

i don't know if he was ever a decent communicator, but he'll likely start talking more with time. in my case, my WS needed apparently to be reassured of my love (ironic and unfair, but there it is) and he needed to feel safe with me before he started opening up. So it was only when i stopped being crazy and angry and started being affectionate (and i don't mean sexually affectionate necessarily but loving so he felt love) that he slowly started to soften his responses to me. he's still not talking enough for me, but it's better.

It's been just about 2 months since my first Discovery Day (Dday) and just in the last 3 days has my anxiety evaporated. I have literally been a basket case for 2 months, not eating, not sleeping, not really working, just pretty much pain and agony 24/7. I can't say for certain what helped me to get to a more normal emotional place; maybe it's that i spent the afternoon with my WS family at a party on Saturday and then sunday we went to a local concert together. In any case, i am still unsure if i am staying with him, but for the most part my life has returned to normal and we will continue to work on this ISSUE in Marriage Counseling. I am also going to individual counselling.

I would encourage you to absolutely without fail no matter what go to a therapist. The issues are complex and much bigger than most of us can really deal with on our own. I hear you about the money problems, but i strongly encourage you to find and keep a therapist.

Also i would recommend Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I have it on audio because I have a long commute and i'm into my second listen! Not everything applies but it really, really helps you to understand your husband's affair IN CONTEXT of your lives, and not to excuse it, but it's all about interpersonal dynamics and coping. It doesn't mend your heart but in my case, understanding human frailties, including my own, has helped. we betrayed have so so so many questions and this book provided me with many answers and helped.

more than anything know that time does really help to heal. it's like any great loss in life. It's so so agonizing in the beginning and then slowly we start to day by day by day recover. so take it day by day because in time you will look back and say wow, that really really was one of the worst experiences of my entire life!!!! It still sucks but now it seems manageable.

I'm very sorry for all that you've gone through; i'm so glad that your daughter graduated and you sound like a very capable woman. I am sure you are going to get through this okay, no matter which direction your life takes. It just sounds to me like you can do this. I promise it will be okay, in time. good luck with your husband; i hope he's cooperative, finds some emotional courage and helps you and your marriage to heal.

Day by day. Yes, you will feel better.

ninebark posted 6/7/2013 08:46 AM


I wish I could pull people out of a situation and ask them to read their own posts. If you are going to work on your marriage, please decide if this is the marriage you want.

He doesn't help with the kids, he drank, he yelled, he contributed to the debt load and he had an affair. You did EVERYTHING. If you are really serious about committing to R, I think you need to go beyond just the Affair and look at the bigger picture,

What do you need to move forward, what do you need to heal. Do you want to go back to this life where you carry the stress,where you were lied to ignored and cheated on, where you need text to talk seriously to your husband.

He cannot continue to converse with this woman. He is still in the A, still cake eating and will continue to do so while you let it happen.

You dont' have to make any major life changing decisions this second. But you do need to read up on the 180, be clear on NC and make a list of what you want for your marriage to continue. Look back on all you have been through and really think on what you want out of life and what you need to get it. Be honest with yourself and do not settle for less. If he is truly committed to R he will work towards all you need.

tushnurse posted 6/7/2013 08:54 AM


I am so sorry you are here, and have been through to very much.

I want to make two very strong suggestions.
1. Go get the book codependent no more. Read it, reread it, and get other books on codependency.
You have yourself trapped in a horrible situation. You want to make it work, because you are afraid to be away from the horrible life you already know.

2. Get yourself into IC immediately. I don't care if you need to go through a church, or a womans shelter, but do it and do it NOW....

You have allowed your H to abuse you your entire relationship, starting back with the rugswept episodes before you were married.

I give you credit, wanting to "make it work" but Honey you can't do this all on your own. He has no intrest in doing the work of R. He only is interested in "getting over it". He says sorry, but does nothing to change his behaviors. You are setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

While your daughter was in the biggest fight of her life, he left you both without any help or support emotionally and financially. What kind of father is that? Seriously you need to step back and try to look at what you just wrote as an outsider, pretend someone else wrote it, and then think about what you would tell that woman.....

You deserve so much more out of life. Please don't run from us, but let us help you figure out how to make it better.

ninebark posted 6/7/2013 09:00 AM

Tushnurse is so right, she just puts it some much better than I do :)

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