SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

dbellanon posted 6/6/2013 18:43 PM

I'm not nearly to the "new beginnings" stage, but I thought that this would be a good question to pose to the people on this part of the forum:

What are the biggest positives that have come out of the end of your marriage?

I'm still in the process of grieving for my marriage, and I'm still heartbroken about the injustice of it all, both to me and to my daughter. It is difficult for me to see any redeeming value in what is happening because I still feel like things COULD have been so much better if my WW had just been willing to work through it with me. But of course, she was not, and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am probably better off without my WW as she is now, and that my hope was based on the idea of staying married to someone who doesn't really exist. Still, it doesn't feel like it, so I'm looking for some perspective, especially from those of you who are a number of years out.

What are some of the good things, things that you are glad for now?

traicionada posted 6/6/2013 18:58 PM

After surviving the unthinkable "infidelity & divorce" I feel like life can throw anything my way and I'll be fine. Today, I know myself better than I ever did but most important I know when to cut myself some lack

Amazonia posted 6/6/2013 20:30 PM

What are the biggest positives that have come out of the end of your marriage?

Me! I grew more, got to know myself more, and learned to like myself more during and following my divorce than I ever thought was possible. And if I'd stayed married to my XH, it probably wouldn't have been possible.

h0peless posted 6/6/2013 20:40 PM

I'm still sort of working on it. The last two ties (the house and auto insurance) should be cut this month. I have regained a lot of my self-esteem over the past ten months and I have gotten to know myself much better. There is definitely something to be said for that.

I also get to ride motorcycles whenever I want to without feeling guilty.

ninebark posted 6/6/2013 20:48 PM

It has been two years since I separated and I have found a new amazing stronger happy me!

I took up running, lost some weight, found out I can be happy on my own. I realized I have great strength and my self esteem is better than before. I will not compromise and only do what makes me happy.

I own my own home, raise my son by myself, I took up martial arts, ran my first 5k, have a new solid healthy relationship with a man who treats me as I feel I should be treated.

And best of all. I AM HAPPY! I like the new and improved me..it does get better

Snapdragon posted 6/6/2013 21:11 PM

What are the biggest positives that have come out of the end of your marriage?

OMG! So many! Personal growth and life experiences that I would have NEVER had if I had stayed married to my ex. I never realized how much he held me back. I sugar-coated (in my mind) how much I sacrificed for him and his daughter for the happiness of our family. I pushed down the realization that my wants and needs were very far down his list of priorities and that he was a very selfish person without much integrity.

Since my divorce I have enjoyed a volunteer job that he would have never tolerated because it would have taken time away from tending to him and his wishes. I've moved into a job that has allowed me to travel the world (again something he would not have tolerated since it would have given me a bit of status above him, in his mind).

I've had injuries, surgeries, dead furnaces, car issues, pet losses, leaking roof, busted plumbing - all of which I handled on my own.

I bought my own home. I've completely re-landscaped my property to my own wishes without having to worry that he would have to mow around something and passively aggressively ruin it because it annoyed him to have to turn too many corners.

I no longer have to live my life around the parenting agreement (and legal issues) regarding his daughter. My life was upended so many times because of the crazy-assed mother of his daughter. Tens of thousands of dollars of "our" money in fights in the courts.

After him I actually had a good sex life! While I don't date anymore and have been on the bus for a damn long time, my sex life is STILL better than it was with his selfish ass! LOL

I do, however, miss that he was the chief dish washer. That's about it. Oh sure, there are other things that I do miss about being married and having a family. But overall I know that I would never have experienced Africa, China, India and other places.

There is life after......

dbellanon posted 6/7/2013 12:09 PM

Have to say, Snapdragon, that my experience is probably not going to be like yours. I AM the guy with the daughter and the parenting agreement.

Williesmom posted 6/7/2013 12:39 PM

Control of my own destiny. I am so happy to have received a life in the divorce. My life no longer revolves around what he wants and trying to do the unattainable chore of making him happy.

nowiknow23 posted 6/7/2013 13:05 PM

I think you can expect the rollercoaster to continue for a while. And that's perfectly normal. Sometimes, even after you've gotten off that ride and walked away from the track? It will hit you with a ninja ride out of the blue.

I mourned the future we had planned for a while, until I realized that the future was now mine to write. It didn't have to be compromised to match with his - it was all mine. Some of the visions are the same, but MANY of them have changed and evolved as I have.

I found strength I never dreamed I had. Courage I hadn't needed in years. New friends, new interests, and some old ones resurfaced that had fallen along the way.

The key is that your happiness and fulfillment will now be fully in your hands. It isn't a matter of someone else not being willing to do what's needed - it's all you. That's both terrifying and liberating, once you allow it to soak for a while.

(((dbellanon))))

Crescita posted 6/7/2013 13:20 PM

For me NB has really been a codependent cleanse. I’m learning how to start caring more about myself and the people who support me no matter what. Consequently I am finding there are more of them than I thought. I guess I haven’t been giving people enough credit and have been taking things too personally, because many of them really don’t expect as much as I assumed. It’s a slow path to happiness, but I think I’ve finally found it

wildbananas posted 6/7/2013 13:53 PM

Gosh, so many good things! I had a rough start in my NB due to some stupid decisions but now, things are pretty darn good. I know myself more than ever, I have a stronger relationship with the banana bunch, I'm in complete control of my own finances, I don't have to tiptoe around anyone anymore... and I too have experienced so many things that I never would have had I stayed married to ex-asshat.

There are ups and downs for sure but honestly, it can be pretty awesome.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 1:53 PM, June 7th (Friday)]