Tonight, he *texted* me and told me that he was leaving. TEXTED!
Now, I am in a whole new ball game. We have been married for 7 years, and have two daughters under the age of three. How do I function? I do not want to be divorced, let alone separated. I feel totally out of control.
I feel like my whole future has been ripped out of my hands. I can't hardly breathe. I can barely see the computer screen because of the tears.
I have loved him with my whole heart since I was 18. I promised my life to him, and he promised to me. Tonight, I sat in front of him and for the first time, there was no love in his eyes. He looked at me as if I were just a friend.
Do marriages survive this?! How do I continue on to tomorrow? Where do I go from here?
I'm sorry you're here. Being abandoned by your spouse is horribly difficult and traumatic. It is also something that you will get through. Make sure you do everything you can to take care of yourself for your daughters. Buy some protein shakes and fruit smoothies to hold you over for a while.
Being dumped over text message is pretty low. Shortly after my ex took off, I read a book called Lessons from the End of a Marriage by Lisa Arends. It provided a lot of hope and if you are so inclined, I would strongly recommend it.
I know you're hurting so much. I can hear it in your post and I remember saying those same things to myself. I had two young kids when my exWH left. My youngest was just three. I couldn't believe it and I certainly never saw it coming. I too felt like I was living in a nightmare and I remember all too well that look in his eyes. He looked through me rather than at me. I knew his feelings for me were gone and I no longer mattered to him. That still hurts.
I know it's hard to believe right now, but you will get through this. One tiny step at first at a time. You will.
Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and take care of the kids. Protect yourself financially. Lean heavily on friends and family in real life and here. Find a good IC and read the Healing Library articles on this site.
There is no way out but through it. Take your time and keep walking.
You will be okay. We promise.
You'll get through this. Take it day by day. Take care of yourself and your girls. Find someone IRL that you can lean on; that was invaluable to me. Post here for great advice or just to vent your feelings. Ask around about attorneys-- if he moves forward with this, you want to make sure that you and your girls are well-represented.
Hang in there.
Welcome to SI. You have found a soft place to land where you will get lots of support.
Read the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner of this site if you haven't already.
Get to a doctor and get some sleeping medications, antidepressants, whatever you need to keep functioning through this shit storm you have been placed in.
Be gentle with yourself - kids may have to watch tv a little more, etc. so that you can get a break. Don't feel guilty about how you are handling anything in your household right now - it is really hard to hold things together with all the emotions you are having with what you have been handed. I am so sorry.
Next, you will be in the fight of your life. Get strong (even if you can't fathom it right now) to protect yourself and your babies. Go to a lawyer immediately. Find out your rights: how much you are entitled to in spousal support and child support, whether your state is a fault or no-fault state (to see if you need evidence of his infidelity), whether there is any advantage to you filing for divorce first, etc. Do this now even if you don't want to D. This was advice I was given a year ago by the wise people at SI and I am so glad I took their advice. This man who you love with all your heart, is not your friend and will not protect you and your children. You will have to do that now.
Hugs and keep posting!
Your husband and "friend" are asswipes. Double betrayal.
I don't know if your marriage will survive but I know that YOU WILL. Your husband and friend are only thinking of themselves. You need to focus on YOU now.
Like the others have said, make sure you drink enough fluids, remember to eat, see your doctor for medication temporary, I believe you are already seeing a therapist?
The next few weeks are going to be hard. Do you have support in real life? Family and REAL friends? Go to them. Tell them. You will need their support.
We have all been where you are at and most of us will agree that it does get better. Post often and read. Hugs and support, dmari
Big huge hugs to you. You will be okay. Like was advised, get some protein shakes and get to the doctor if you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed and need help with anxiety or depression or sleeping.
Do marriages survive this?!
The only way I've seen a marriage survive this and become something healthy is to show his ass the door and tell him to get lost. He is making his choice to walk away, and you need to give him the full effects of that decision. No begging for him back, no keeping him back from the door, no trying to reason with him. Kick his ass out. Get to a lawyer. Figure out all your rights. Chances are he hasn't thought this through and figured out what the real consequences of this are. The only way this gets back to something healthy is if he comes crawling back on his hands and knees begging for another chance while you stand tall and strong and refuse anything less than 100% commitment on his part. And then his actions would have to match his words. Until then, YOU DESERVE BETTER than him. If he keeps walking, then all your legal preparations and emotional detaching from him will help you heal faster.
I'm so sorry for this. Keep posting. It's traumatic for sure, so give yourself and break and reach out to some trusted people to help you out. Anyone but him..
If so, I am so so so sorry, this is what happened to me, also.
Please get someone to come over and watch your children so you can sleep, or just stay in the shower until the water goes cold (basically how I functioned for 2 months).
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
My WH left us for my friend (actually he set me up to be her friend at a kids event 4 mos after they were already together). They are lying to her H who works out of state. He thinks my WH is his friend!
This happened almost 2 years ago. I divorced him to take care of my children and I --
I thought they were all happy, because that is the way they look.
But, I know someone whom the OW thinks is her friend, but this woman is really my friend. She called me up bc she and OW went to lunch recently. She said OW is miserable and looks aweful!!!! She is not in love with my XWH,she thinks he is dumb. She says she treats him horribly and he won't go away. (My XWH thinks they will be together forever)!!! She said she misses her H and still loves him, but she is sleeping with yet another married man -- a guy she was sleeping with before she ever met my XWH!
So that is why everyone on here says to totally concentrate on your children and yourself. Your H is going to have major mood swings and so are you.
Also on the Just Found Out section, on page 2 there is a topic called "Tactical Primer". It gives step by step advice for you, the BS.
It is an easy read.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:10 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]
Marriages can survive this but both people have to want it and work hard for it. Right now your WH does not want to work on it. Right now you need to protect yourself and your children.
You continue on because you have kids depending on you and because no matter what happens, time will ease the pain and you can move on to a happy life.
Please read up on the 180 and take care of you. Seek IC, get antidepressants if you doctor thinks you need them, and most importantly consult a lawyer to find out your rights and how to protect yourself.
I know you don't want to divorce but a consultation is not a divorce, it is advice that will help you and your kids. And as time goes on you may decide this is a dealbreaker for you and you would be better off without someone who would use a text message to leave his family.
[This message edited by neverbeokay at 6:14 AM, June 7th (Friday)]
I was as shocked and frightened as you are now. I simply could not believe he would do this to me, to my children - I couldn't believe he would dishonour it all so devastatingly.
The cruelty was/is astonishing.
I promise you it won't always feel this way. You'll have joys that you never could have imagined. Joys that were impossible with that man you married.
You can't see that now because of the shock and fear. I want you to know you've been heard, you're not alone and you WILL survive this - furthermore, you'll thrive.
I guarantee it. I am a testament to it.
((TheGreatestLove)) I remember the agony - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Not even on the sad clown.
The fear itself is worse than that which you fear.
Just breathe. Make it through the next second, the next minute, the next hour. Drink lots of water, force yourself to eat something, sleep when you can.
You will come out of this stronger, wiser and so ready to start healing years of subtle and not so subtle emotional abuse that you'll be amazed that you tolerated it for as long as you did.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I'm so sorry you're here. I hope we can be a support to you.
Text msg....totally ridiculous. You are going to have to get stronger and put on those big girl panties. You have to do what is best for you. He obviously has made his choice all the begging and pleading in the world isn't going to guilt someone in to staying if they have decided to move on
You deserve better.
He was too cowardly to tell you in person. Just keep that in your thoughts.
I see this as a temper tantrum. You're not caving so he's flying hot to get you to fall in line and beg him to come back.
Let him hang himself with his own rope.
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC
"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"