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getting_stronger posted 6/6/2013 19:58 PM

My WH has had 3 EA, the most recent DD being last week.

We have since decided to R, and for the first time ever, I finally feel like I have the whole truth. He confessed things to me that shocked me to my very core and I couldn't possibly believe he did those things. But I finally feel like we can heal from the past and go on to have a good marriage.

One thing has stood out to me. He confessed being molested as a child at the age 8-9 or so. By his aunt. He went on to do the same thing to his cousin as well. He has harbored this incredible guilt for the situation. He was around 9-10 when the situation occurred with his cousin and the way he told me the story, it was curiousity on both parts- not anything he forced on her. But yet he has felt this tremendous sense of guilt because of his actions, and truly feels like that's why he's had a few EA's. because he feels like he doesn't deserve a woman like me, who is faithful to him and loves him. So it was his way of trying to push me away instead of dealing from the demons of his past.

Obviously he is in IC and we are now in MC. Is it possible to overcome something like this? I obviously don't fault him for something that was done to him and he did to someone when he was a kid. But he is heartbroken and distraught over it. I just want my marriage to work, and for us not to have to go through anymore EA's. just wondering if it is possible for something like his guilt could be the cause of our marriage problems?

He is showing remorse for the first time ever- and he's taken full responsibility for everything. So I feel like we are in a step in the right direction.

hardtimesinlife posted 6/6/2013 20:10 PM

It sounds like a step in the right direction, providing he gets professional help for it. I would think that the history of abuse may cause him to have poor coping skills and loose boundaries when it comes to being faithful. I'm not sure I believe that he felt he didn't deserve a good woman, though. But what do I know, I'm not a counselor. I hope he can do the intense work and come out the other side as a wonderful husband for you.

hopefullromantic posted 6/7/2013 00:14 AM

I have seen a lot of WS's here admit to being sexually abused as children (a few BS's too). My own WH made such an admission when he finally admitted the A too. Insisted one had nothing to do with the other, but both admissions came in practically the same breath, so I'm thinking there's a definite connection.

Shame often runs very deeply in these kinds of situations. Toxic shame most definitely messes with a persons self esteem.

It's good that your H is in IC. Mine had started but then we moved and that was that. I can't get him to go again or even bring up the subject. Too hard for him.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/7/2013 00:53 AM

I knew of a lot of abuse in my WH's past, but not to the extent I learned soon after D-day. It's horrifying and tragic, and I do think there is some connection..

But I was sexually abused as a child too.. The difference here is that I went to counseling and have been open about talking about it. I knew I needed help, so I went and got it and have been in counseling on and off since I was a teenager.

WH, on the other hand, said he never wanted to talk about it again. After we separated, I actually have a text from him that says, "Keep your damn mouth shut about that. I will never speak of it again."

I think it's great your H is going to counseling for it. I think it is possible for him to overcome it if HE wants to. No one else can make him want to or do the work for him..

What he is not allowed to do is continually blame his ADULT behaviors for things that happened to him as a child. We all have to take responsibility for our actions and not use our past as an excuse..

Good luck and big hugs to you guys..