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LA44 posted 6/6/2013 20:21 PM

Hi everyone, maybe some of you will recognize yourself in my journey to date.

Maybe it will be helpful for you to see where I was to where I am now, six months in. Healing is not linear as you will see from this post. But I am healing.

First 72 hours:
I can't believe what I am reading (I found a card). I can't believe this is happening. What the hell is happening?!

I cry, fall to my knees, rage. What did you DO?! I scream! I hold onto things bc I cannot believe this is really happening. I am broken. |I get in my car and drive not having any idea where I am going. I sleep and eat very little. My boys wonder why I am so sad. My heart is broken. But I don't tell them that.

Week 2 thru Christmas
I cry a lot. He cries. I shop for the boys. I drink too much at parties and then I tear a strip off him. He can barely work as he is afraid I am going to leave when he goes. I ask him how I am going to bring Christmas into our home? He says he will do it all. He does. I ask questions. He answers. I wake up thinking of the A. But I do get out of bed everyday.

January: We are HBing. It's crazy. He bought/read After the Affair. I read it too. We go to our first MC appt. I go to IC. Thank goodness the boys are back at school bc I am exhausted. I keep asking him questions. Lots of them. He answers. It's painful. I am being obsessive. This is the worst pain I have ever felt. He cannot say sorry enough.

February: I get angry looking at Valentine cards. I listen to Falling Slowly over and over again and cry to it. I have found things on his computer. It's awful but I needed to see this. I needed to see what HE wrote to her. It's much more real now. I am in full anger mode. I am more obsessed. He is in IC now too. It was a requirement of mine. Go to IC or leave. He cannot book the appt. fast enough.

March: More questions, more therapy. More HBing. We take the boys to a local resort. She contacts him with a work request and he answers. NO! That was NOT our agreement. It ruins the next 15 hours. He feels dumb. I feel as if I will never heal. We read, "How to Heal your Spouse Heal/Affair." I go to a Healing Retreat but I can't even tell my story (small town). This makes me angrier. I tell him I don't need him. I am giving this until April. He cries. We read the 5 Love Languages and he starts putting it in action. She contacts him AGAIN. He deletes the message.

April: My anger is settling down. 5 LL going strong. MC is going well. I am not getting anywhere in IC. He is. My bday comes around. We invite friends over. Then I cancel. Then I invite them over again. What the hell is wrong with me? I am out of questions. I have asked everything I can think of.

May: My parents come to visit. They don't know. I feel dishonest. If I had a disease, they would know. If I got into an accident, they would know. They can't know this. My H goes on a guys weekend. I am glad he goes. We need a break. But its a trigger. He used to see her on his way in/out of town. He stays in constant contact with me. He tells me that he is repulsed by the A. This relieves me. I start with a new IC. She's amazing. Yeah! I feel so much lighter. The obsessions seem further away now.

June 6th - Today is six months from D-day. I am quiet today. I go to the gym, garden, cry a little, write my best friend. My H is following through at home and work. He is a man living up to his word. Since the new year he continues to apologize. He holds me, tells me I am beautiful, his angel, his godsend. The sex has slowed down but its still way more then pre-A. He has been opening up - the fog is gone. He acknowledges that it was not just the depth of his lies but the breadth too. He will figure out what was broken in him. He has too. I am reading so much about this topic and now about being a co-dependant.

We are both determined to make this work.

Peace to all of you on your journey. Be patient with yourselves, exercise, drink water, eat well, read, find little things to be grateful for.

Take care of you.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:25 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Brokenheart777 posted 6/6/2013 23:22 PM

Thanks LA44.

I'm just over 3 months out. Still hurts bad. I've been solid NC for over a month now. I'm better than I was in the early stages but still HATE the way I feel and how frequently I feel that way. I always seem to take solace in reading others emotional timelines.

LearningToFly posted 6/6/2013 23:29 PM

Your WS sounds like he is truly sorry and realizes that he did wrong. I'm glad you two are moving forward and he has taken responsibility for what he did.

LA44 posted 6/7/2013 08:15 AM

((brokenheart777)) I hear you! I HATED not only how I FELT and I resented that this was something I even had to deal with.

Reading saved me. Books, articles in the Healing Library and posts from others, most esp. the Wayward Forum.

LTF: Thank you for your comment. H has to keep looking inward. Figure out that his decision to cheat was not the decision a clear-headed, mature man makes. He needs to address some long-standing issues. But at least while that is in process, he is remorseful.

Shockedman posted 6/7/2013 08:41 AM


Your pain is real and you are doing great. My d-day was only 2 weeks ago and I have little to no hope. Little remorse, no transparency. I think it was an exit affair.

You should take some comfort that it seems that your H is realing trying and not just going through the motions. That doesn't make your pain less per se, but the fact that he is already at this point is a good sign and you appear to be making solid strides to a successful R. I will be lucky in my WW even recongnizes her actions in the next 6 months. She is in DEEP. Keep taking care of yourself and your kids. You are doing great!

LA44 posted 6/7/2013 08:51 AM

((shockedman)) I am so sorry. I have read a lot and in doing so understand that women in A's get deep in emotion. That it is one of the most difficult A's to deal with.

My H wanted an escape. For him, it was sex, a way to feel good, block out the shitty but real-life stuff. Guess what? The A made it all worse.

Keep reading. Talk to a great friend. Work out. Not sure if you have kids but sometimes just hearing them laugh or listening to them talk about nonsense lightens my heart.

Good luck to you.

Shockedman posted 6/7/2013 13:33 PM

LA44. Thanks for your advice. No kids, but nieces that make me smile. Didn't mean to make your post about my problem. What I was trying to say, is that your situation has hope and your H is really trying from what you say. DEEP EA and PA are SUPER hard to get over and through. Better your H have a PA. It is still very hard, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel for you. Stay strong, be realistic, but optimistic.

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