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The other thing that happened today.

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Ladyogilvy posted 6/7/2013 00:14 AM

Talking about empathy in MC... The MC asked WH what he thought I was feeling. WH said things about my feeling betrayed and like I was afraid he didn't care enough about me. I responded with clarity. "No, I'm afraid I won't care enough about you ever again."

Then, I had to really think about when I did last care about him. I realized that most of our marriage he had been an emotionally abusive alcoholic and I never took it personally. Whenever he was being emotionally abusive, I gave him distance. As soon as he was nice, I forgave him immediately, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, I forgave him over and over and over again.... That's how much I cared about him. When I discovered his A, I stopped being able to tolerate his abuse anymore without becoming enraged. He was no longer a man I cared enough about to forgive anymore.

That's what I am most afraid of, not caring enough about him ever again. What an epiphany!

Can anyone relate?

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:18 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Done_withThePain posted 6/7/2013 02:05 AM

I know exactly what you are describing- I too had an abusive alcoholic husband that I always seemed to forgive by the next time he got sober- and when I found out about the affair- no more- I was no longer able to forgive or forget- and that for me was the end point because it no longer was oh it's the alcohol he doesn't mean it besides its not like he is sleeping with someone else... Until it was and that was the last straw for me-no other form of abuse or sign of disrespect left for him to show and so I was done with it all- unless he wants to change then there is no amount of work that u can do to fix him

TrustGone posted 6/7/2013 02:56 AM

Yes, I feel the same way. Both of my WS's are alcoholics. I used the alcohol excuse for XWH#1's ONS's for years until I couldn't do it anymore. He stopped drinking a few years before our D, but it did not stop his self destructive behavior and abuse. In the end he had an EA?PA with an 18yr old girl, he was 45.

WH#2 controlled his alcoholism for a few years after we married, but got increasingly worse as time went on. He was only verbally abusive when he was drinking and would forget his out burst by the next day. Since he wasn't physically abusive, I tended to overlook what he said when he was drinking. Only after the A came to light did I realize how bad his drinking had become and along with it the emotional abuse he caused with multiple DDays, false R, and continued lies.

I know I no longer love him the way I did before DDay#1 and I doubt I ever will again. He has done just enough to try and appease me, but really refuses to address his alcoholism or his other issues. I also know I can't fix him so I have started to detach from the marriage and have started working on myself and my needs. It is hard to do after so many years of trying to fix people myself to realize that is not in my control. SI has been wonderful in making me see what I didn't really want to see myself. (((HUGS)))

TrustGone posted 6/7/2013 03:03 AM

Sorry double post...Must be insomnia brain.

[This message edited by TrustGone at 3:06 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

noprincess posted 6/7/2013 06:56 AM

I can relate to this, totally!

Being married to an alcoholic tested me and my sons EVERY DAY. Always somewhere in the cycle of anger/forgiveness. After DDay#2 I'm just beyond my limit to forgive or care.

My H knows he has taken our M to a very dangerous place. He is smart enough to see it but too weak to change it. Even though we are in some type of weird R, I have one foot out the door...

gonnabe2016 posted 6/7/2013 09:20 AM

Is it really that you've stopped caring about him.....or is it that you've finally reached the place where you care about YOURSELF too much to put up with any form of abuse?

Ladyogilvy posted 6/7/2013 09:41 AM

I may have started caring more about myself as well but it came on the heals of my not caring about WH the same way anymore. He had been a good provider and he completely respected my parenting choices which I was grateteful for but I married him because I believed he was loyal. Wrong! All the lies and secrets were just too outrageous to ignore. He's been sober a year now. It took him over a year of trying to get sober. There's no promise he will stay that way but he is trying and actually does seem to be making progress. The work on themselves can't even begin if they aren't are sober. Their brain chemistry is too altered, the neural pathways too damaged.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:21 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 6/7/2013 21:26 PM

Ok. Your response leads somewhere else.

One day I was talking to my IC, and I can't remember the exact content but I believe that it was something that Sultan had said to me that, in the past, I would have felt a tremendous amount of compassion over. But when he told me....I was sad for him, but it was more like a sadness that you would feel for an acquaintance that was telling you about something horrible. I was telling my IC that I felt kinda bad because I didn't feel the level of compassion that I thought I should feel for the person that I had been married to for so long.

So my IC and I started to talk about 'reciprocity' in a relationship. You need to give and you need to get. Overall, if your 'giving' is more heavily weighted than your 'getting', then it'll lead to a lack of caring. (basically, in a nutshell). Because why should you continue to 'give'?

Anyway, my discussion with her leads me to believe that as long as the previous damage done hasn't been too great......that if your WH can begin to 'give' to you, perhaps YOUR caring feelings will return in time.

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