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Surprised but not, hurt but not hurting

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/7/2013 00:23 AM

I'm just surprised he let it all end so easily. But I'm not. That is what he was showing me all along...very obviously. And it hurts. But I'm not hurting. Because I believe it and the hope is gone. There is nothing left to be broken. We had civil conversation last night about divorce, finances, what we should do so that we don't destroy ourselves financially. Do we wait until DD4 is in kindergarten (September 2014) so that it is one less kid in daycare? Do we wait until more debt is paid off so that when we do divorce we aren't as financially crippled? What if I don't find a job? You can tell he is very pissed off about the idea of alimony. I think if he could decide he would not pay me alimony at all. I told him that if we end up "married" for the next year or more...a marriage of convenience, that I will have emotional and physical needs to be met, that he can't and won't met. So what if someone enters my life (not looking to put myself on OLD sites and troll bars) do I let them in? Do I wait to move on in that way after divorce...what if it's not for 2 years?

Anyway, my point in all this was that none of that has moved him. Even though I know you can't change anyone, and I wasn't looking to. That's why I'm surprised but I'm not. It's a weird feeling.

gma56 posted 6/7/2013 02:38 AM

There is nothing left to be broken.
You have found some acceptance and the reality of what it is now. It's your next step.

what if it's not for 2 years?

Believe me, you will need the time to heal and find yourself that has been lost for along time. All this must be solved before you can bring a healthy relationship in your life.
It's still a rollercoaster only the dips aren't as frequent or the ride isn't wild everyday.You're getting there.
A word of advice is don't expect anything from him different than what he now.
Big Hugs and you're gonna be OK !
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 2:39 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Dark Inertia posted 6/7/2013 06:58 AM

Proceed with caution. I don't think he will be as civil when child support and alimony for a SAHM are factored in... Especially if you all are still working to pay off debt. Often, when it comes to divorce, the enivitable is financial destruction.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 7:01 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/7/2013 07:57 AM

Oh, don't worry. I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt on a damn thing. After all this it would be stupid for me to say that if he did something shitty that I would wonder where it came from. He is willing to destroy the family the first time. And again and again. I don't plan on staying a SAHM. I am currently looking for a job. I've been looking at things my degree is in but last night I put in my location, searched for jobs up to 30 miles away, and went through every heading that I thought I might be qualified for.

SBB posted 6/7/2013 08:53 AM

Acceptance is very very painful. Agonising really. Mine took a few months to sink in. I felt very similar things with each new layer of the onion. Not much he does surprises these days but even today I'm shocked at how low he can get. The bottom gets lower each time.

Hope crippled me even though in my heart of hearts I knew did not want him back, that I could not have him back. Not after this.

I wonder if I just wanted to have one last final glimpse of the man that I married, mainly so I did not have to accept that he deceived me the whole time, that the whole thing was a mask - that I fell in love with a mask. Also that if I am brutally honest with myself, I *knew* all of this, virtually predicted it - but still leapt anyway.

Damn.

You're going to be OK honey. Just got to get through this shit part first.

((TCD))

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/7/2013 12:49 PM

I guess that's the feeling I'm having today...acceptance? I think, "wow, that was it. How could he say he loved me but gave up so easily...or so happily." Then the, I'm worthless thoughts creep in. And I feel like shit. But it lasts a moment because I think about what I have learned and I take no responsibility for who he is and his choices. It's just not dissipating completely so I'm left feeling blah. I guess that's where time comes in.

SBB posted 6/7/2013 18:55 PM

Infidelity is a form of abuse - that's one of the reasons we feel worthless.

I tolerated emotional abuse well before DD - I can't say I felt worthless within myself (I had done a LOT of therapy years ago for FOO issues) but I certainly did feel worthless to him. Turbo charged post DD.

That damn four letter word - time. Work on your internal dialogue. When those thoughts creep remind yourself that none of this is about you. Nothing we did could stop them cheating ergo nothing we did made them cheat.

They are running now for the same reasons they cheated in the first place. They are running from themselves. Most people learn in toddlerhood that you can't run away from your own shadow. Not these bright sparks though - they think they can run from themselves.

Keep running I say. Good riddance of bad news.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/7/2013 19:04 PM

I just scheduled my first IC appointment (I went to 3 last year with someone else) for June 25th. Hopefully that will give me some tools to banish the blahs.

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