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How has the A affected your WS's relationship with the kids

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16forever posted 6/7/2013 00:35 AM

I was just wondering if anyone who has kids with their WS how has it affected them in my case it seems as if the bond is just not there as much.Like they love him but also can't forget what her did ,how he traded us for her and her kids .It was so hard for them it was like he just didn't want us anymore .We were always a semi close family well I guess that's wrong he didn't really do a lot of things with us but we still had and have special family things .But my son isn't as loving towards him like he is protecting himself with out trying to.They are always quick to tell when daddy's has been a jerk while I was at work not that he always is but when he is they tell me my middle dd doesn't talk bout it at all only if we have to go to we're op works she just wants to get in and get out and not see her sometimes my oldest when she is having a bad day or maybe at times when that period is referred to she gets upset sometimes she doesn't .I think for her knowing her dad slept with hookers puts him in a different light to her she is 17 and during it all she heard it all they feel like hey buddy u better never be mean to us after what we went threw ,I don't know if it will ever be different .Has anyone got any good advice or story I would love to hear it

Flatlined123 posted 6/7/2013 17:43 PM

Our two oldest were 15 & 17 when the A was going on. They saw the devastation it did. They saw me crumble before their eyes. They were hurt too. They looked at it as though he betrayed them too.

The relationship now is better. The oldest still takes issue with H anytime he is an ass. She has zero tolerance for BS.

All in all, I think they are doing better. H has worked really hard at fixing himself and being so much better of a person. I think it'll always be there. He lost a lot of the hero that he was in their eyes.

MrsDoubtfire posted 6/8/2013 02:21 AM

DD watched her mother fall apart in spectacular fashion.

Initially, when we were Ding I told her to give FWH 6 months before she cut him out of her life as I knew she was talking through her hurt and would regret such a major decision. She treated him like a complete a$$ during this time.

When we decided to R she told me she'd go live with friends as she was never going to live with "that a$$" ever again!!

Again, I asked her to try it and give him 6 months, at least, to show us both if he could change.

He's changed so much these last 3+ years that they are closer than they ever were pre A but that's because he's now committed totally to the M and the family. Before this he came from a family of cheaters, had one foot always out the door and kept his daughter at arms length just in case he ever had to leave her. He was soooo messed up!!

Now, there's a tenderness between them that was never there before. And the added bonus is that our daughter is blossoming into a stable, well rounded, happy person.

Trust me, 4-5 years ago she became a bit of a teenage rebel (another side effect of him and OW and their A) and I genuinely feared that one night there would be a knock at the door telling me she was dead or arrested or something equally as awful!

She always used to be a mommy's girl but is turning into a bit of a daddy's girl now too.

It is all down to FWH taking the blame and putting the work in. It is also because, when she was calling him in those early days of R and telling him what a piece of work he was etc. he would agree with her; apologise to her and tell her to keep watching his actions as he was going to put it right.

Flatlined123 posted 6/8/2013 05:37 AM

It is all down to FWH taking the blame and putting the work in. It is also because, when she was calling him in those early days of R and telling him what a piece of work he was etc. he would agree with her; apologise to her and tell her to keep watching his actions as he was going to put it right.

YES! This is really what it takes. I hope every WS on here takes not of this. It's their ACTIONS not WORDS.

sunshine226 posted 6/8/2013 13:24 PM

DS has no relationship with his dad, saw him once since DD, and now he has a son of his own, WH never even text him to congratulate him. I believe their relationship is beyond repair

And up until last night, I held out hope for DD and WH to heal their relationship, but no more.

WH has not been here in 11 weeks (living with OW since 1/2/2012, but went back and forth) I had enough and told him that I dont want to see him anymore as long as OW is a part of his life, so 11 weeks later, he is still with her

He has made no attempt to see DD, DD wanted him to meet and take her to the city to go shopping, he text her and told her he had to work, DD lost it and called him, and lets just say she didnt hold anything back, she let him have it

So it looks like OW and her kids are the priority and DD says she is done with him.

It breaks my heart that not only did he cheat on me but he has destoryed our family and his relationship with his biological children

Time will tell what the future holds and if WH will ever be able to repair his relationship with them

HardenMyHeart posted 6/8/2013 16:34 PM

Our children do not know of my wife's affair and I hope they never find out. This is not their burden to bear. Unless a couple is splitting up, I feel very strongly that the children should not know. It forces the children to take sides, which only makes things worse after R.

TXBW68 posted 6/8/2013 17:32 PM

My H used to be DS13's best friend. Their relationship was hurt a lot. When H left, both of my boys watched me fall apart. They brought me water and PB&J sandwiches. They took care of me when I was supposed to be taking care of them. They had to grow up too fast.

H went to see OW#4 the same week as DS13's 13th bday last year. My son said "Dad loves her more than he loves me. Dad doesn't work on Saturdays. He could take a different flight to be home for my bday party." I relayed that message and even though he was pissed about it, H did come home. BUT he spent a lot of time telling DS13 all about his "friend's" daughter, who's about the same age.

Now that H is home, DS13 is ok but every now and then, he pops off to his dad. My H takes it and tries to talk him through it. DS13 is getting better. But I don't think they will ever have the same relationship.

TXwifemom posted 6/8/2013 17:44 PM

Actually, my WH is a better father now. He is a SAHD, and during his affairs he was short, even mean, to our kids. (They were 1 and 3 during the worst parts).

Now he enjoys his time with them. They aren't chores anymore. He plans "ice cream for dinner because mom is gone" days. They have fun.

That makes it soooo much easier to swallow Reconciling. It at least made him a better father. In the end, prolly also a better husband. But in the mean time, I'm a casualty. At least he is much better now. Even our 4 year old says she loves him more now.

But I'm still dead inside..... When is this going to get better?

Ladyogilvy posted 6/8/2013 18:35 PM

My boys saw me completely fall apart physically and emotionally. There was no way to hide anything even if I'd wanted to. Doctor's visits, weight loss, heart monitors, staying with a friend when WH refused to move out. Moving back in because I needed to be closer to the doctor and my repeatedly screaming at WH until he would move into a motel. Changing locks on the door.

WH was never a big part of their lives because of his alcoholism. Passed out at night. Hung over in the morning. Never helped them ride a bike or even to catch a ball. They always knew he was challenging but that he worked hard to support his family and never laid a hand on the boys. (Something I made him promise before we got married because of our abusive childhoods)

After A, my older son, very pragmatic, still saw WH for what he always had been. He will still refer to other men acting selfish and entitled as being a "dad."

Both boys were worried about me. We homeschool and have no family so they really needed me to be okay. I managed to get them to educational and social events but it was a struggle for me to function. They were always checking in with me, making sure I was okay.

My younger son is autistic. The world is a little more black and white to him. He refused to have anything to do with WH for a long time. Wouldn't even get in a car if WH was driving. it's been nearly 2 1/2 years since DD and in the year since WH has been sober, he's been getting slowly, incrementally better. My younger son is starting to warm up to him a little.

The boys and I have a lot of great memories because we pretty much lived life like I was a single mom most of the time. Joined a renaissance actors guild, traveled across the country, visited friends... DD coincided with when the boys started community college classes at barely 14&15. Our lives became more structured which was probably good because I had to get them to their classes. I couldn't just curl up and die the way I wanted to.

Now that WH is getting better, one of the things we will work on, before the boys are all grown up and moved out, is creating good memories together as a family. It isn't easy for me because I definitely have PSTD. But, if WH continues to improve, there is hope.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 6:35 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

Ladyogilvy posted 6/8/2013 18:38 PM

I want to add, as damaging as I think A's are to family relationships, I think it's important for the children to know what's going on. It will effect their lives whether they know or not. Better for them to learn from their parents mistakes and make informed decisions than to live with secrets they don't understand. All of the secrecy around A's has long term consequences for everyone.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 6:40 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

dovetool posted 6/13/2013 12:09 PM

My kids were pretty young but old enough to understand. My two boys were about 7 and 8 when it all started. My 8 year old started to put things together rather quickly and forced his brother to see it as well. He completely flew off the handle by the time my husband had left the third time for this woman. He refused to give him a chance anymore because his father was always saying he wasn;'y going to leave anymore. He had gone to her and back to me three times, I didnt even know someone else was involved until the last time he left.

Anyways my sons completely stopped talking with him. Once my WH wa sout of the fog, it took them a while to talk to him properly. Even when he came home after a couple months they were distant. Its better now, year removed from that time. But I can always see reminents of that time in them. They are no longer daddy's best friends. They agree with everything I saw and disagree with everything he They still play sports with him and watch games together but the bond is different. He is almost viewed as temporary... and thats the saddest thing about the whole affair.

anv5 posted 6/13/2013 12:16 PM

My son just turned 10, he knows something is amiss but (as far as I know) doesn't know what. H has gotten closer to him through all this...he is more patient with him, spends more time with him & says that he understands what he almost lost & wants to appreciate us now. I am curious Ladyogilvy as to how it would be a good thing for my son to find out? I have gone out of my way to hide as much of my "wrecked-ness" from him. He doesn't deserve to go through it too in my opinion...

[This message edited by anv5 at 12:47 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

MUFan posted 6/13/2013 12:42 PM

My kids know nothing yet. They are all spread out in age from 16 to 3 months. I was pregnant during his A so it was easy to disguise my break-down on the pregnancy...more time in bed, crying, etc.
Some day we may tell them. But I think that now is not the right time.
As for his relationship with the kids, it has improved so much. Even before his A, he spent way to much time taking care of everyone else and on his phone. His phone was an extension of himself and his need to be a KISA. Since DDay, the phone is put away when he gets home. He has woken up to the lack of relationships with each of the kids. He has apologized to the oldest and spent more time with the next 2. Our 3 mo old lights up when he sees his dad. Our 5 year old says that daddy is his best friend now. He always treated the kids with affection but was so short with them. The fear of losing them really woke him up.

ReunitePangea posted 6/13/2013 12:48 PM

Our children do not know of my wife's affair and I hope they never find out. This is not their burden to bear. Unless a couple is splitting up, I feel very strongly that the children should not know. It forces the children to take sides, which only makes things worse after R.


There is no way my kids will ever find out about my WWs A. My WW grew up in a family where her mom was a BS - I will not let the cycle repeat if I can help it. I understand the arguments that they must know something is going on but in my case I do not think they do - I have done my best to prevent that. I think it is important the BS and the WS at least work together dispite their issues with each other to best protect their kids.

twodoves posted 6/13/2013 14:24 PM

I think it's important for the children to find out when they are old enough.

WH's dad cheated on his mom, and his parents lied about it for years.

But, the way they interacted with each other must have made a large impression, because WH became a cheater, and his sister married a cheater. WH's dad cheated on his mom when WH was the same age as our daughter.

I don't think that's a coincidence at all.

anv5 posted 6/13/2013 14:35 PM

Just curious
When is old enough & exactly how do you explain something like this to your child?

StrongerOne posted 6/13/2013 16:37 PM

My FWH and DS have a very good relationship, although my DS is a lot closer to me (I have a naturally warmer personality, and I have really been in charge of my DS's medical care for years -- too emotionally hard for my FWH). DS knows what his dad did, because he heard us "talking" He saw how it crushed me. After DDay I decided that my H did not deserve me facilitating his relat with DS, and that he could take on more of the daily responsibilities for the boy. To his credit, he really stepped up and became a much better dad.

16forever posted 6/14/2013 00:56 AM

He is almost viewed as temporary... and thats the saddest thing about the whole affair. Thanks dovetool for hitting the nail on the head this is how my kids feel I think someone said something bout losing that heroness that's gone for sure I wish I could wipe all the memories away my kids also saw me completely lose it saw us traded heard the hurtful words he said to me somedays I just wish it would just go away and it never had to enter our minds which is not likely since op lives just down the street and this town seems smaller knowing I could pick up something for dinner at our Safeway start out happy see her or just her family and end up sad hopefully someday this won't even be a thought

Dancetilldawn posted 6/14/2013 03:45 AM

My DS and DD had to be told. OW#5 was going to caretake our house while we moved away for WH job. Told her to leave and NC with my kids. They were suspicious! We just said dad was involved in an inappropriate realationship. Other details got back to them through family member and friends. Funny how that happens!

DS saw text messages over the years that he knew were wrong. He has LD's and ADHD. He started acting out in 08. (That's when he saw the first wrong text) I homeschooled him and the last year it was terrible. I found a boarding school that he agreed to go too. He now tells me he agreed to go because he thought it would be better for our marriage if he was gone. This is extremely painful for me to realize. Luckily, the school was fabulous and my DS thrived. He is polite to his Dad. I wouldn't say they are close. Nothing really changed between them, it has always been that way. As far as my relationship with him, we have always been really close. We discuss everything, politics, sex, morals/ethics and cars. He just wants each of us to be happy. Great Kid!

DD was a Daddy's girl, and was blindsided. She is dealing with a lot of anger towards him. She calls him out on his bs insecurities often now. Before Dday she would tell me to be nicer to Dad. I would tell her that Dad is stressed out about work and I am trying really hard to be nice to him. I was very scared to tell her because I thought that my DD would blame me for his affairs. Now she tells me not to stay with him because of her and her brother. She doesn't understand how I will ever trust him again and stay married. She told me that her Dad's infidelities has changed how she looks at marriage and men. Not sure she can ever really trust anyone but me. Needless to say, we are very close!

sunshine226 posted 6/14/2013 06:35 AM

More to add....I posted earlier that DD called her dad last Friday and told him off.

Well, she called OW on Sunday night and let her have it too, I wasnt home at the time but from what she has told me, she really let her have it, calling her a whore and giving her a piece of her mind, talking about her photo on FB of WH and her son (and of course pic is still there)

DD will never accept OW in her dad's life, so I guess the only relationship she will have with him now is financially

Really sad, she was daddy's girl

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