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Sexual bonding then disgust

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UKlady posted 6/7/2013 04:00 AM

My WH and I had some really, extra bad days just recently. I can't remember ever feeling so bad, not since DDay, including thoughts of what do I have to live for

However, a couple of days ago we had some amazing intimate times (the HB has been present since about a week after his confession) and immediately after and for the next two days I felt so close to him I could barely breathe (weird, right?). I told him how close I felt and he said how much he felt the same.

Sex between us has always been good (though looking back during the A it was somewhat lacking in quality) but I'm confused by my reactions. I feel so close and so loved that ironically it makes me feel worse because now it's brought up all the 'whys' and 'how could he' again. I feel so miserable knowing she gave him BJs (found out last Tuesday and went to get tested for STIs) and don't know how to process this. I think I was happier imagining them having totally bland sex.

Just confused about my feelings on this? Anyone else? Is it 'normal'? Common?

[This message edited by UKlady at 4:02 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Daysie posted 6/7/2013 04:38 AM

Hi UK Lady,

I can relate to this - after my husband told me about his affair with my then BF - I just went to pieces . Over the following weeks we had some amazing HB sex and then I would feel total disgust :barf. It has been nearly 4mths since he told me and his affair was 32yrs ago and lasted only a matter of weeks - but from the pain I feel every waking moment it could have happened yesterday !!! I feel so close to him at times and we can be very intimate, then I just go into a bad place and all the feelings and hurt come up again and then I can't stand being with him. My husband is ashamed of what he did but is unsure how to deal with this. He told me recently he just wants to be with me all the time - but worries every day when coming home from work because he is never sure what he will face. I wish I could comfort you but I don't know how to deal with this either? When I am not going on and on about their affair I don't know what to say to him !!!!!

homewrecked2011 posted 6/7/2013 04:41 AM

I can understand this.

My counselor says the closer you get to someone, the more you are vulnerable & the more you have to lose (and that includes emotions).

If you weren't a caring, loving person you would not have these up and down feelings. You ARE a caring person with feelings. It's going to take a long long time to work thru all the emotions. Do you have a counselor just for you? Mine has so much experience with this type of thing, that whenever I have an issue, she knows precisely how to ask the right questions to get my mind thinking the right way.

I think this is why some say recovery is so difficult.

heartbroken2012 posted 6/7/2013 08:22 AM

I feel the same. We had a crazy wonderful intimate time the other night...we had so much fun, it was so loving, and meaningful...but then afterward I felt mad at myself for feeling that way.

LA44 posted 6/7/2013 08:45 AM

It takes time UKLady. Give yourself that okay. I recommend IC too. Early on, I would cry every single time after sex. In fact, I cried today! But today's cry was less about what THEY did together and more about, "why did this have to happen for us to wake up and start living as the couple we were meant to be?"

Finally. Be careful what you ask about. How many times, positions, acts, his excitement. I mean, so you ask, where they did it. Now what? Did that help? Ask yourself, "will the answer to this question REALLY help me?"


UKlady posted 6/7/2013 08:50 AM

LA44 - I absolutely know asking those sorts of questions won't help me. I know that's not always the case for others but for me - no.

I'm so mad about finding out about the oral sex thing but I had to ask following the Michael Doulas thing - I'd never considered STI testing til that and now I know and can't un-know it

tushnurse posted 6/7/2013 09:34 AM

Hey there don't feel bad. As someone who has BTDT...

The HB is totally normal. Some of the best sex of your life is ahead of you. Enjoy it. It's beneficial for you both. It helps to rebuild those bonds of intimacy, and reminds you of why you want to work toward R. You and he have a very deep connection that helps keep you grounded. It's ok to accept that. Without that deep love, deep connection R would be very difficult.

What he did with someone else did NOT have that deep emotional bond. He didn't feel comfort with her as he does with you. He knows you know him better than anyone, and vice versa.

Enjoy the HB, while you work together. It's one of few good things that come with R.

seriouslylostit posted 6/8/2013 12:19 PM

Though I went the D route, this topic is significant for me. Post D day I would either cry or barf of both after sex. I came to realize that after the A, since I hadn't killed him and made an attempt at R, I felt like I deserved more, a good lover and he just wasn't. He wasn't very happy to hear this but we had sworn total honesty so I was somewhat in a bind.

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