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The little things that make me think he doesn't care

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hobbeskat posted 6/7/2013 09:00 AM

My WH and the OW were close friends (and she was one of my close friends, too). They're both artists- he's a performance artist and she's a painter.

She has been in lots of his videos, which I asked him to take down- he took down one, it seems. On his blog, he had posted the naked picture she drew of him (I was there, it was life drawing, and now I wonder the motivation) on Valentine's Day last year. On Valentine's Day this year, he was cheating on me with her.

I emailed him at work and asked him to take that picture down. He said he would (couldn't at work, site is blocked). Lo and behold, it was still there today so I had to login in and do it myself.

If roles had been reversed, I would have logged in on my phone, or done it as soon as I got home from working, knowing how incredibly painful it would be, not just the reminder, but the fact that I was stupid enough to trust them both. And he didn't. I believe it was out of forgetfulness, but I have been in a spiral since. I am so angry, so upset and though he may say pretty words, he is not doing enough and I am very close to walking out.

Just a rant :(

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 9:07 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

sinsof thefather posted 6/7/2013 09:21 AM

Wow. Those are some big triggers - I wouldn't be able to live with them staying up online. He should take them ALL down immediately, and that picture should be destroyed imo. It's all about the consequences of his own choices and if he is really serious about your R he will do it for you.

(((hobbeskat)))

catlover50 posted 6/7/2013 09:27 AM

So sorry Hobbeskat.

After Dday I noticed an article that had been blown up and embossed and hung up in my H's work after they had opened. It had been there for years but for the first time I noticed that the two pictures of him had the OW"s face squeezed in next to him (this was pre-A). In retrospect I should have seen this as a red flag, but she was always sooooo not his type. Anyway, I asked him to take it down and he immediately, sincerely agreed. However, I did have to remind him a few times---he just didn't see it.

He is getting better all the time but follow through has never been his strong suit.

Jospehine85 posted 6/7/2013 09:27 AM

Your WH is lacking empathy.

WE all get it. WE can all look at your situation and say "holy cow!" those pictures have to come down because they are incredibly disrespectful to hobbeskat and are just going to be terrible triggers for her".

So why can't your WH? No empathy. He is not thinking beyond himself and about our feelings.

Is he this insensitive to you at other times?

hobbeskat posted 6/7/2013 09:51 AM

Not a lot, but he could be doing a LOT more and be a lot more sensitive. He is a child, he throws tantrums and can listen to me for so long before getting defensive and shouting. Even when he is loving at other times, this is killing my love for him as it means I don't feel safe at all to express myself.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 10:05 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Jospehine85 posted 6/8/2013 12:21 PM

(((hobbeskat))) your WH sounds a lot like mine.

I was stunned to find out that in all our years of marriage my WH not once thought about what I wanted. He said he just assumed that if he wanted something he had to be good for me to. That kind of thinking is so foreign to me that it is unfathomable.

Your WH sounds similar. He is so fixated on his desires, his feelings that he can't put himself in your position and understand your pain.

When you try to talk about the A and your WH gets defensive and shouts that his deliberate attempt to shut you down. You are making him feel bad and that is not acceptable to him. He has learned techniques to make you stop. He is putting his feelings before yours. You don't feel safe because he has taught you that expressing your emotions is uncomfortable for him and that you will be "punished" for doing so.

I bet the times he is good and loving is when you are happy. Am I right?

So what you have to start doing is calmly pointing out to him what he is doing. Point out to him when he is trying to shut you down. Don't get sucked in to the argument topic. The important thing is to point out the control/manipulation techniques he is trying to use on you: shouting to make you feel unsafe, blamshifting, crazy talk, projection, etc.

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