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IAteTheApple posted 6/7/2013 09:38 AM

OP and I kind of work together. We started out spending time together with groups of coworkers. Then we started hanging out alone. Then we started casually touching each other. Then one night after BH embarrassed me in front of our group of friends/coworkers, I told him the struggles I was having in my marriage. We kissed and it went from there.

It took four days for me to come clean. BH left that night, and I was with OP within hours of his departure. BH would say he wanted to come home, but would leave again within hours of arriving. We went to MC one week after D-Day and he told me he was done. Again, I went back to OP. A few days later, BH said he wanted to try to commit to the time the counselor asked of us. He was home for four days before he left again. Guess where I was that night?

We went back to MC three days ago, and again he committed to the time frame the counselor asked for. Again, I told OP that I need NC, but I only managed to maintain it for a day.

I've read in The Healing Library, and I allow myself to think, "No, that is not true!" even though I know deep down that it is. I'm in what I guess is the fog. BH doesn't want to hear what I have to say right now, so I'm keeping a lot bottled up... Or I have the urge to talk to OP about my feelings.

I did end things with OP again. I want to try to fix my marriage. I'm just not super sure I have the strength to do so.

I don't even know what I'm looking for with this post.

[This message edited by IAteTheApple at 10:11 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

BaxtersBFF posted 6/7/2013 11:40 AM

Welcome to SI.

Why do you think you keep going back to the AP?

IAteTheApple posted 6/7/2013 12:47 PM

Why do you think you keep going back to the AP?

Our relationship is easy. I trust him. He listens to me. He's kind of a knight in shining armor. We have fun together. We share a lot of interests. The sex is really good. There's a lot of me that thinks it would just be easier to cut my losses and to be with him.

[This message edited by IAteTheApple at 12:47 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 6/7/2013 12:56 PM

Then why don't you?

floridaredman posted 6/7/2013 13:09 PM

You have to make a decision and commit to it. Do not use it as an excuse that your BH left so you could go and be with OP. That was because you wanted to. The BH leaving just gave you the extra push to go do what you wanted to do anyway.

I know the pull of an affair..I know how it's like a drug and you crave the next fix of the OP, however if you want your marriage to survive, you have to stay NC. If you don't , it's just a vicious circle and you give your BH more reasons to leave.

What do you do to make your BH stay home?
Are you subconsciously or outwardly showing you miss the OP or OM?
Are you even giving your BH any indication you want him home.
He seems to want to be home because he keeps coming back, the question is...Do you want him to be home?

BaxtersBFF posted 6/7/2013 13:14 PM

Has the AP ever had to go into the bathroom after you've been in there? Has he had to help clean-up the puke from when you were sick?

Did you make a vow to love, honor, cherish, and forsake all others to the AP?

Would someone you could trust have sex with you when they know you are married?

These are all blunt examples and I'm beint a bit sarcastic in listing them out like that...but the fog you are in makes it easy to believe this facade that you are part of. The A, and your current recollection of it is a great example of how messed up our thinking can be during, and just after, or while trying to extricate ourselves from the A.

For what it's worth, I think many of us WS's here can identify with what you are talking about. But, for our own sakes, and for the sake of our BS, we've made a choice to see the reality of what we created. That reality is devestation that we made a choice in bestowing upon our BS.

So, if you want to cut your losses and go, then do so. Don't prolong the agony for your BH. But in reality, how many relationships that start out with cheating actually survive? Since he cheated with you, are you really going to trust that he won't do it eventually with someone else? If he doesn't meet your needs after a year or two are you going to start looking around for another easy escape?

It's that old saying of "you can't escape your problems" or " wherever you go, your problems go too" or whatever the saying is...the point is that you can choose to run, or you can choose to be honest and authentic in your life and not live a lie.

We can help if you choose the latter. But that too is a choice you have to make on your own, and you have to stick to it.

Aubrie posted 6/7/2013 13:16 PM

^^Spot on Bax.

tired girl posted 6/7/2013 13:34 PM

Bax is right on here. Your affair is all fantasy and fun. Your AP has not done all the real life things with you yet. So of course he can look glamorous to you still. And you to him. Wait till real life gets in the way of that. That will all disappear.

You need to figure out you, before you try to figure out anything else. Stop going back and forth. This isn't about making sure anyone else feels wanted. Figure out your own shit and go from there but quit the damm games.

IAteTheApple posted 6/8/2013 11:21 AM

I only have a minute, but I blocked AP on facebook, blocked his emails, blocked him from messaging me. If necessary, I will buy the phone package that allows me to block numbers.

I'm doing this.

tired girl posted 6/8/2013 11:42 AM

Good, now come here when you feel like contacting him and talk to us instead.

tired girl posted 6/8/2013 11:42 AM

Good, now come here when you feel like contacting him and talk to us instead.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/8/2013 11:45 AM

You're addicted to him. Going NC is incredibly hard when you still believe AP is the "knight in shining armor" and a great guy. But you "trust" a man who is fucking you because you are an easy lay, while he's high-fiving himself for taking another man's wife. Real prince, that one, and you (and I) are no better.

I'm only a few weeks out. Thinking of it as a drug addiction really helped me. Each day you go without contacting him is a day you are recovering from that addiction.

So, are you a helpless junkie, or a strong woman?

Forget about blocking email accounts and phone numbers: it takes 30 seconds to setup a new email account and reach out to your Prince Cheater again. You need to block your brain.

I'll let others gently smack you with 2x4s (alright i did a little) and just wish you strength and perseverance.

Trying33 posted 6/9/2013 04:57 AM

We've all been where you are. The stage you're at requires ALOT of support and guidance. Come to SI as much as you can. Read as much as you can. It all helps lift the fog.

I remember thinking a lot like you and when I think back, it was because of fear of losing the sounding board and comfort I found in my AP. He became a crutch and I was hugely dependent on him to carry me emotionally.

There are many other healthier ways which I now understand. Withdrawal is hard but you can do it. Deleting access is a great first step.

Is OP married? How long have you been married? Do you have kids?

IAteTheApple posted 6/9/2013 11:30 AM

I broke NC again.

AP and I worked together for a few hours yesterday. He asked me a question directly and I answered it, but otherwise managed to maintain radio silence. UNTIL it was time to leave. We were parked in the same direction, so we walked silently, and then he asked, "See you Monday?" and I said yes... But then it was too painful and I just gave in and we sat in my car and chatted for 30 minutes about books and authors and a play I saw that he wants to see.

Right before he left he asked me how I was, and I said not good, and that my best friend (whose husband cheated on her, and who is at this site) pretty much ended her friendship with me, and that I feel like I'm everyone's bad guy, and that I'll never be happy again. And he did reach out and touched my shoulder and told me he doesn't know which road I'll take, but he can see me laughing and smiling six months from now. No other touching, and no affair talk besides him telling me he loves me before he left.

Then last night BH and I went to a friend's house for game night. He triggered because gaming is something AP and I bonded over, and spent most of the night belittling me and putting me down in front of our friends. I sat there fighting back tears (and honestly, the urge to leave and run straight to AP) all night. Then when we got outside, I asked him why he is so cruel to me, and he said he just gets these surges of hatred for me... And didn't apologize. So, I popped off a text to AP saying that BH was being cruel to me and he responded, "I'm sorry. You don't deserve that."

I really want to call AP right now. I think Trying33 is spot on. I am so reliant on him right now for emotional support.

tired girl posted 6/9/2013 11:38 AM

Do you plan on using him as an emotional crutch for the rest of your life? Or are you going to learn how to be a strong person that can handle her own shit? Because right now you aren't. You are somebody that is using someone else. And he is using you right back. This is not a healthy relationship no matter which way you look at it.

IAteTheApple posted 6/9/2013 11:47 AM

To answer some questions:
Why don't I just be with AP? Because I made a commitment to my BH. Because I chose him to spend my life with for a reason and I want to try to get back to (or create anew) the happiness we had before things started to fall apart. Because I see him trying, and I feel like I need to meet him halfway, or further.

About him being/staying at home: I have left the decision to come home up to him, but once he's been home, I've had to beg him every day to stay. Pretty much every day I can see him start to slide and I have to say, "Please stay with me. Don't shut down. Focus on the good." I've tried to be more affectionate. I haven't talked about anything that may trigger him. I've listened patiently. And I've let him get away with sniping at me with nasty comments.

The big one: Do I want him home? If we can be happy and respect each other, yes. If we're going to relapse into life as we knew it or if the verbal abuse is going to continue? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

AP is not married. I have been married for close to 4 years. No kids, except those with 4-legs.

And to address 20Wrongs and Bax, I do recognize one line of thinking that won't help me is demonizing AP. This is all on me. I started the touching. I painted the picture of my marriage that led him to want to rescue me. He has never come to me without me asking him to and has never asked me to come there. He was in a long-term relationship that he ended to be with me and I am the one that didn't leave mine. I have broken his heart a hundred times since this started, and he keeps propping me up whenever I ask. He is not the bad guy here.

Trying33 posted 6/9/2013 12:03 PM

You will never know if you and your H have a chance of a good marriage while there is a 3rd person in it. As soon as H is an ass or does something to upset you it's just too easy to reach out to another man who will validate you and tell you how wonderful you are, as H clearly does not see this right???

If you truly want to try and R with H, AP needs to be FULLY out of the picture. That means NC. Not having anyone to run to and rescue me was very hard. The absence of this almost father figure who would soothe me and make me feel worthy again and care unconditionally about me was like withdrawing from a drug. It's hard but possible. It's also not real and a fantasy, but you're probably not ready to hear that yet. I wasn't.

One of the most helpful things I was told on this site was about assuring me I had the strength and will power to do this. I COULD survive alone. I COULD deal with my own problems without running to another man and I COULD do the right thing and stop any further destruction.

What is REALLY stopping you from being with AP long-term? The 6 month comment he made was a very leading one.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/9/2013 13:43 PM

He is not the bad guy here.

I'm not suggesting you demonize him; merely pointing out that good guys don't have sex with married women.

Trust me, I said so many of the same things you are saying now, when my last A ended. It's pretty great, having a husband at home and a lover/confidant on the side, right? But my BH wasn't willing to have a M like that, and I doubt yours is either.

tired girl posted 6/9/2013 14:39 PM

I am curious as to why you are expecting happiness and respect? Don't you think that is a little premature?

Mrs Panda posted 6/9/2013 15:07 PM

I suggest you google "why do single men have sex with married women." Something I did when I was deep in the fog.

I don't think you will like the answer.

You are crying that your BH is angry at you? While the sma eday you are talking all lovey-dovey with OM? Can you try for a second to put yourself in BH's shoes?

I assume BH doesn't know you broke NC.

This OM is telling you what you need to hear. That's how he gets off. That and the no-strings sex, of course. If it were real life, I doubt he'd be talking rainbows about you laughing in 6 months.

By the way, I noticed he talked about you laughing and smiling in 6 months. Not the 2 of you. Food for thought.

ETA: not sure what you mean by verbal abuse. Feel free to expand on that.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 3:11 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]