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iammine posted 6/7/2013 11:26 AM

This is my first post. I've been reading topics for awhile. I think I've come to the point when you are to your end with things.

I've been with my partner for over 17 yrs. He has been carrying on an EA for a really long time, probably years and I haven't done anything about it. I have at least 4 years of texts between him and her. In all this time, she has NEVER said anything sexual to him. He will say things to her. For example on Mother's Day he said "Happy Mother's Day to the Sexiest Mom I know" and of course he didn't say anything to me. Her oldest son and our son used to be absolute best friends
but they no longer are speaking, so why is she even in our lives anymore? I know the answer but...

Recently my partner completely threw me "under the bus" with his family and I'm very angry with him.. I planned a much needed weekend vacation for him and myself. To be honest, it was more for me. For the last 5 years its been very difficult with children issues, working long hours and just everyday stress and I wanted to go away so badly. I saved for months for us to go away and when I had everything arranged my partner was really excited and we talked about it endlessly for a few days. His mother expressed concern that we couldn't go and it was a bad idea and she was pissed off at me because we couldn't really afford to go. My partner completely changed his mind and told his mom it was all my fault and I shouldn't have made the plans. I lost all happiness about going and cancelled everything. I wouldn't speak to him for a few days because I was so hurt that he would throw me under the bus with his mother. Of course he kept OW hourly updated on what was going on between him and I. I can't believe how 2 faced he is.

We have planned a camping trip this year and last year when OW's son and our son were speaking we all went camping. I was never so happy to come home after that. That's all OW did was yell at her kids for the 2 days that they were there. I was so tired of just hearing her voice. So now, she told me on Facebook that she couldn't wait until we went camping again. I guess she figures that even though our sons are not friends anymore that she would still come camping with us again this year. And of course my partner doesn't see anything wrong with this. It just makes her closer to him. My mom said that I should just go and ignore her.

Things need to change. My head is starting to come out of the sand a bit and I have no clue what to do but I'm so tired of living like this.

He does go to her house while I am at work, everything is behind my back but she will be ever so sweet to me when she sees me.

Any thoughts? Thank you.

unfound posted 6/7/2013 11:43 AM

welcome to si iammine. you've definitely come to the right place.

your H is having an inappropriate relationship with this woman. whether it be a physical affair or disrespectful to you and your marriage. nothing you didn't already know, right?

I would let him know that you do not want her to be a part of either of your lives anymore, that the way he communicated with her is inappropriate and hurtful to you, and he has a choice... he can keep her as a "friend" or you as a wife. his reaction will be very telling.

also, I would go into stealth investigating mode.

married men do not have friends that aren't friends of the marriage. married men do not go behind their wives backs to visit female friends while their wives are at work. married men do not send "sexiest mom" texts to anyone other than their wives.

he will continue this behavior until you confront him and let him know what the consequences are if he does.

be prepared. practice what you'll say and how you'll respond to his reactions. have proof. hae a support system (SI is a great one!). have a plan. be ready for denial, blameshifting, gaslighting and more denial.

keep reading, keep posting. you'll find a great advice and support here

callmecrazy posted 6/7/2013 11:49 AM

I was you sort of...not quite so bad and it wasnt so long with 1 person, but I can definitely feel your pain.
When I tried to talk with him and get him to see we needed to really work on us bc I couldnt handle feeling 2nd all the time...crazy came through and my life has been 100% hell since. This is because I wasnt prepared to handle things the right way, or discover what the real truths were.
Educate yourself a bit first. Read in the healing library. Be ready to focus on YOU, he certainly isnt doing his part in the relationship and after all this time of being a 3rd wheel in your marriage, Im sure you can easily get hostile, which although understandable, wont help if this escalates on you. If you can afford it or insurance will cover, try IC, it can really help you talk through your hurt rationally so you understand yourself.

You have to do something though. Its no way to live. Also, all the behind your back stuff...Im not saying there is something physical, but be prepared for it. Thats my advise I guess, Im sure others will come along and give you other great tips but in a nutshell: Educate yourself on yourself and dealing with affairs (emotional hurts just as bad, so dont discount it and dont let him), know what your needs and wants are going to be to heal from this and move forward and be prepared for any possible reaction from him. Maybe you will be met with love and understanding and he will feel bad, but he has to know deep down he is very wrong with what he has done to you, so he may just become very angry with you.

Best of luck and remember, you deserve love and you deserve a partner in marriage.

iammine posted 6/7/2013 15:09 PM

He just sent her a message "you're pretty!" Not once in 17 yrs had he told me that.

movingforward13 posted 6/7/2013 16:42 PM

You should let them have each other and leave him.

Godsgirl posted 6/7/2013 17:00 PM

Well I'm a pretty jealous woman so I would print out all the text, hand them to him with his packed bags and ask him to go be with the love of his life. I actualy did tell my SAWH that I thought he should make a go of it with the last OW since he had just spent two years of false R with her. You should have seen his face .
The only way I would be in a relationship with him would be complete NC with the OW, IC, MC, and a massive amount of respect towards me.Otherwise it would be separation and the 180 on my part.
Read the Healing Library and talk to some of our FWS in the I can Relate forum. They give really great advise and can help you determine how best to react in your situation.

iammine posted 6/8/2013 08:27 AM

There is well over 20,000 texts between the two of them. It seems to be very one sided on his part. She never says anything back. One time he asked her if she liked when he talked to her like that. She said she lets him talk that to her to keep him "clean" for ME! What does that even mean? She would never say anything against me until recent, now she is really encouraging him to visit her.

I'm very confused what to do about the camping trip we are taking. He and I go camping by ourselves while the kids go camping at the local kids camp ground. I look forward to this all year, I love camping. Last year, OW brought her son to camp with our son. But since the older boys do not talk anymore, why does she thinks she needs to come camping with us? My mom says to go and not say a word until all summer actitivies are done and kids are back to school. At this point I'm angry and I don't know if I can keep that in check with her 5 feet away from me for a weekend.

[This message edited by iammine at 8:29 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]

MissD posted 6/8/2013 11:03 AM

Why have you not told her this year it's just family camping, or fuck off, or something in between?

You are in a bad place. It will get worse if you cannot find a way to set boundaries.

Sad in AZ posted 6/8/2013 11:32 AM

First, welcome to SI. You will find a lot of support and information here. But holy shit...way too much to address all at once.

It seems that your immediate problem is the camping trip. Can you not find your voice to say-No fucking way is she coming with us! Will that cause WW3 with your WP? Will he call off the trip? Will he ignore you completely and invite her along? Why can't you just put your foot down?

As for your mother--what is her problem? I would be telling my daughter to run like the wind.

Hopefully, you will stop listening to outsiders and concentrate on what you can do to make your life livable again. Do yourself a favor--go to the Healing Library and read about the 180. It works with Wayward Partners and crazy moms/in laws.

Once you get past this immediate crisis, I hope you will take a good, hard look at your life and start to live authentically.

Keep posting, and good luck.

iammine posted 6/8/2013 13:37 PM

Thanks for the replies...

Last year when she went camping my partner did not tell me she was coming with her children. I obviously knew about it beforehand because of their texts.

This year she Facebooked me and said that she couldn't wait to go camping again with us. I asked him how did she know and he said she must have guessed we were going again and that he couldn't tell her she couldn't go because its a public place.

As for my mom, I think she wants me to try and enjoy my holidays and then make decisions when it's all done. She wants me to leave him because of all of this. She is very supportive.

And he does have a very explosive temper. I know if I put up a fuss he will get mad. I've gotten into a bad place where I shut up and not say anything to keep him quiet. He is very much like a 15yr old in a 44 yr old man ... He has worn me down and I can't do it anymore.

avicarswife posted 6/8/2013 13:56 PM

Honey I am so sorry you are here and that you are hurting.

There is a good book by Dr Shirley Glass called Not Just Friends, it might be good for you to read.

Are you sure this is not a PA as well?
EA often do go that way over after time.

I wouldn't be going camping with her and I would NOT be ok with my partner going without me.

iammine posted 6/8/2013 13:59 PM

I have absolutely no proof it's gone PA ... If they have, they do not refer to it in text.

iammine posted 6/8/2013 21:28 PM

She said she was at the park tonight, he said he wished he was there. I hate him.

Another concern... Both her and him have been very nasty and vindictive toward others in the past. Even his mother is like that. This last blow up had his mother telling him to kick me out and the OW texting him every 20 minutes to see what was going on with our situation.

[This message edited by iammine at 9:42 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

Fighting2Survive posted 6/8/2013 21:40 PM

(((iammmine)))

Your WH is in an EA and possibly a PA, but either way the damage done in the end is the same and the same actions are required to stop it.

My husband had an EA with an old "friend" and it came within a hair's width of killing our marriage. I get where you are coming from with this. Dealing with an EA really does a number on your head because a lot people don't see how crippling it is.

Follow the 180. Lay down your boundaries and stick to them.

He has to end this A and cut off all contact with her. Any lingering "friendship" will only allow the fantasy and the cheap squishy feelings to continue. It will choke off your marriage until there's nothing left.

Below are some links to threads that were very helpful to me, along with some newer ones that I think you could benefit from.

When you are ready to confront him, have a clear game plan formed. Know exactly what you expect him to do if you want to work through this with him and don't negotiate. Boundaries are key.

I'm so sorry.

Recommended Threads

Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Before You Say Reconcile:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Emotional Detachment: What is it? How is it accomplished?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=459284

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

20/20 Hindsight: What I Should Have Done When I JFO
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

How to Confront
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=472128

Eudaimonia posted 6/8/2013 22:13 PM

((((iammine))))

What everyone has said is excellent advice. At the very least, read the Shirley Glass book.

One time he asked her if she liked when he talked to her like that. She said she lets him talk that to her to keep him "clean" for ME!

Without knowing all the details of the situation-this leads me to think that maybe their relationship is PA instead of just EA.
Be prepared for the worst-and what Fighting said is crucial:

Know exactly what you expect him to do if you want to work through this with him and don't negotiate. Boundaries are key.

Boundaries.

Josephine01 posted 6/8/2013 22:14 PM

Are you afraid that he may physically harm you if you talk to him about his affair? iammine please be careful to guard yourself if this is true. He can't keep doing this to you because he is being emotionally abusive to you and you deserve better.

You need to get this OW out of your life one way or another. I agree you need to do a 180.

My heart goes out to you as my husband had an EA and I'm preaty sure that he's had a PA as well.

Take care,

stillhere09 posted 6/9/2013 01:22 AM

First of all, respond to her facebook message to you. Tell her plainly that this trip is for you and your partner only because the two of you need some time alone. Anyone would understand this. Don't discuss it with your partner first. Just tell her that and see what happens. See if she objects and see if your partner objects.

If she objects, they are either in a PA or else in an EA and she wants it to become a PA. If he objects, they are either in a PA or else in an EA and he wants it to become a PA.

As for him going to her house while you are at work -- I'm sorry to say it, but as far as I'm concerned, there's your proof that it's a PA right there.

Your mom says ignore her and go anyway? Ask yourself, though, which would make you the most miserable, going and being tormented throughout the entire vacation or putting your foot down that she not go.

His comment about not telling her to go because it's a public place is very telling. Yes, it's a public place, but if she knows you want it to be a vacation for you and your partner, there could only be one reason for her to go, and that is to spoil it for you because she wants him. He knows this. To me, if he stands his ground on her going, that would be enough to tell him to go with her. Then you can take your son and go elsewhere for a camping trip. You'll enjoy it a lot more. Once you get home, pack his stuff, set it outside and be done with him. You know he lied to you about her guessing about the camping trip. You know he told her. Why would he lie about it unless they were in an affair?

Your mom may be trying to help, but it is impossible for anyone to understand what you're going through unless they've gone through it themselves. It isn't as easy as ignoring her or waiting until the end of summer to do something about it. It sounds like she doesn't realize that for you to tolerate this situation for the summer would make you miserable. If she realized it, she would give you different advice, but she just can't understand. For you to tolerate this would only wear you down further, and by the end of summer, you wouldn't have the gumption left to do anything. You would be in a state of depression. Don't let that happen.

And he does have a very explosive temper. I know if I put up a fuss he will get mad. I've gotten into a bad place where I shut up and not say anything to keep him quiet. He is very much like a 15yr old in a 44 yr old man ... He has worn me down and I can't do it anymore.

So what if he gets mad?! You have to come to a deliberate decision that you do not care if he gets mad.
This is emotional abuse. Getting angry is a way to manipulate you into doing what he wants. In this case, he wants you to keep quiet and just be happy watching him cheat on you. Don't let him wear you down.

You don't have to get mad at him to confront him. Simply tell him calmly that you know he's in an affair and you want him gone. Simple as that. No arguing, no theatrics, just gone. His response will shock you.

Is he physically abusive to you?

If so, it's needless to say that you need to get away from him now for good. If not, when he gets mad, it is not true anger you're seeing and hearing. It's a show, put on as a control tactic, to control your actions. Don't let him get away with it. You need to get firm and tell him it's over now and tell him straight up that you are not afraid of his anger. If you are not ready to end it with him, at least stand your ground about the two of them going No Contact in any way, shape or form.

You can't control him or what he does with her. You can control your response to it. Give him an ultimatum and be ready to stand by it.

Undec1ded posted 6/9/2013 01:37 AM

Thanks for those useful threads FightingtoSurvive!

iammine posted 6/9/2013 08:21 AM

I'm confused... If I am not to reveal my sources, what do I present him with if I only have text messages? What do I tell him if I don't want him to know I've read all texts.

stillhere09 posted 6/9/2013 08:28 AM

It's very simple. When he wants to know how you know, say, "I do not reveal my sources."

If he guesses, say, "I do not reveal my sources."

You can end up sounding like a broken record. It's ok.

You can do the same thing when/if you tell him it's over. "It's over and I want you gone."

This allows no arguing, no chance of him trying to gaslight you or make excuses. It's a way to gain strength and power.