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As the years go by 'reality' is hitting more. He had an actual A

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AFrayedKnot posted 6/8/2013 07:08 AM

When I'm alone the feelings become more intense ( especially at traffic lights and when I'm in my car)

This happens to me a lot. I have been thinking, am I just distracting myself from it and sweeping it under the rug by staying busy. Whenever there is an open moment of the day the thoughts come crashing back. It makes me question what I really want or need.

But I also have the sick to my stomach feeling when I think about leaving. Staying is not about fear though. I know leaving would be the easier way just not the right way for me.

catlover50 posted 6/8/2013 07:20 AM

I am a triathlete and whenever I am running or biking this is where my mind goes. Sigh.

I thought about trying to go a whole day redirecting my mind and see if that helps. My H is so awesome now that I am actually grateful that we have gone through this. Still....

It seems, Mrs. Doubtfire that you are very normal. My IC told me that the A leaves a scar on the M that never goes away. She said that 15 years out something may pull at the scar. But it does get better, the pain is less. I would be patient with yourself. Your H gave the absolute perfect answer to you.

My H got home late last night, later then expected. He was so sorry, it was work related and totally unavoidable and normally he would have been defensive. Friday nights have always been special for us. He was still "making it up to me" this morning. before I went to work.

Again, we are human, they are human. We are all works in progress.

Hang in there Mrs. D!!!

Laura28 posted 6/8/2013 07:21 AM

Hi Mrs D

I too have followed your story and read many of your posts.

Today is exactly 3 years since the night I confronted (here in Oz anyway!) and I continue to struggle.

No words of wisdom or solutions from me.

Just empathy. LOTS of empathy.



TrustGone posted 6/8/2013 10:08 AM


I am so sorry after all this time that you are feeling like this. It scares me to think that this may be something that I have to deal with all my life too. I already spend so much time thinking about it that it disrupts almost all my thoughts. Then I get depressed and angry that this is what our marriage is now.

I have a regretful WH#2, but not a remorseful one. I don't want a D, but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this either. I am hoping going back to work will occupy my mind with other things and make the PTSA better.

I wish I had the answers for you, but I don't. Everyone seems to have a different timeline on their ability to heal and what helps them heal. I think it may have to do with the length of the affair and the amount of damage they did. It is so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that he had a 3yr A. On DDay we had only been married for 7yrs. That meant that he had cheated on me for almost 1/2 our marriage at that point. This is my second marriage to a WS, but none of XWH#1's ONS's, short affairs, ever affected me like this one has. I know that I never loved and trusted XWH#1 like I loved and trusted WH#2, so maybe thats the other difference as to why this was/is so tramatic for me. The level of the betrayal was
so high that I am not sure I will ever accept it, much less get over it. I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this and feel myself detaching from him more as time passes. I am afraid that one morning I will wake up and decide to just stop the pain and get a D. I don't want a D and I don't want to start my life over again, but I am beginning to feel that is my only salvation from the pain.

Williesmom posted 6/8/2013 10:41 AM

((Mrs d))

I'm not in R, but would like to post a story from a family member that was able to R after an A.

At the time of the A( almost 40 years ago now), someone dropped a bucket of white paint on the sidewalk leading to her house. At the time. She thought "maybe when that paint mark is gone, the pain will be gone."

20 years later, the stain was faded, but still there. They moved from that house, but I wonder of the stain is still there. I know that the A is still a part of their marriage, even now.

lost_in_toronto posted 6/8/2013 10:50 AM

Perhaps acceptance comes in waves, like grief does.

This really resonates for me.

We are approaching four years. Some days/weeks/even months are so good. And yet I still find myself dwelling on his affair. And not only the affair but how fucking mean and deceitful he was. The horrible things he said and the way he treated me. How could he do those things?

I think, for me, it comes back to fear, at least in part. We are doing well, but I thought we were doing well before. Reconciliation was something I wanted and worked hard for, but it turns out I was unprepared for looking into his face every day and knowing what he did. I am still working on coming to terms with the uncertainty I feel, the fact that I will never feel 100% safe with him again. Intellectually, I know that was an illusion before, and I believe I have a healthier approach to our relationship now. But fuck, I loved how that illusion felt.

Not a lot of advice here. But some assurance, perhaps, that what you are feeling is most likely ok and will be worked through.

I think a hard aspect of reconciliation is the ebb and flow of it. I notice it when some members, soon after dday, post about feeling optimistic and healed - and then return in a few weeks immersed in the trauma once more. For myself, I have thought myself 'over' it a couple times. Consider us reconciled. But now realize that for me, at least, it is a process that I will move through. Probably for the rest of my life.

Right now I am working on starting a meditation practice. I am hoping it will help me move through my feelings, accept them and then let them go.

(((Mrs Doubtfire)))

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 10:53 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]

hopefullromantic posted 6/8/2013 20:09 PM

I look at it like this. I have accepted that my H had an A but I have not forgiven. And I'm ok with that because why should I forgive the unforgivable. I'm not saint and it's not my job.

I have not healed and doubt I ever will. But I have adapted, just as I adapt to growing old and all that comes with it. Can't do anything about it, except adapt.

It will never be the same between us. I can wish it all I want but it's a waste of energy. Instead I just appreciate all that is good now and there's plenty that is.

Yes, it sucks. That's life. But I still have love. That actually makes me pretty darn lucky.

starstruck posted 6/9/2013 07:19 AM

I'm not OK that WH had A but I do accept the reality of the A. It is part of the fabric of our life now.

I have not forgiven WH for the A but am still working on R which I believe will be a life-long process.

Buckeye Wife posted 6/9/2013 20:35 PM

Thank you for this thread. I am three years out too. Usually I just feel flat, then resentful, then sad for him that I'm not through it, back to flat....

MrsDoubtfire posted 6/10/2013 06:11 AM

Wow. The analogy of the spilled paint made sense. There will always be a stain there I guess. I was just hoping that one day his A would no longer move forwards with us in our M.

Maybe I need to reassess what reality actually looks like.

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