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Newest Member: Findinghope101 (61130)

User Topic: Questioning everything
♀ 39398
Member # 39398
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there, I haven't posted a lot here been mostly lurking but this week has been hard for me.
I was with someone for almost 5 years when I found out that he had been cheating for around a year (I still can't get a straight answer). Most of this time was when he was supposed to be looking for a job or watching my kids.
We split, then we tried to work things out. The only thing that I didn't have to drag out of him is that she was saying she was preg (found out later it was a lie). On his own he started going to IC which turned into MC. Before we started in R I told him that I wouldn't deal with a child of that union and he needed to decide. He chose me. Then a few months later after a MC session he tells me that it's not working and he leaves. Only to come back a few hours later saying that he didn't want to leave that I asked him to that's why he did. So I tell him that he can stay but we aren't together. Around 6 mos later I give him another chance cause he is really trying hard to prove that I can trust him. I still didn't but he is a great dad to my kids and they don't have that so I tried to make it work for them. Around 3 mos ago I found a shirt that the OW had bought him (he swore he'd gotten rid of all her 'presents') and I flipped out. Couldn't take it anymore and told him that we are done.
He still tries telling me that I can trust him, and that I have full access to everything (it's been about a year and a half from D-Day) and that he only wants to make me happy. However I still find things that show he's talking to other 'women'. I know it shouldn't bother me and I shouldn't even be looking. But when he's constantly giving me the sweet talk, it makes me wonder if it's true.
I am trying to move on, not sure if I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again. And I wonder if after so long if the pain hasn't gone away will it ever really. I have a lot of times where I'm fine and don't even think about it, but when it's back it's really back and I can't stop thinking about it.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it shouldn't bother me and I shouldn't even be looking.

Well, actually, I think this kind of thing SHOULD bother you! And you should keep looking! Why would you think you shouldn't be bothered that your husband continues to be involved in whatever way with other women? Why should that be okay? Why should you extend to him blind trust (aka not looking) when he's proven time & again that he is not trustworthy?

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 39398
Member # 39398
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that I shouldn't be looking cause he's not my husband. He my exBF and I've been talking to other guys (just trying to get back to being me).
For me it is just the constant telling me how much he will wait for me to get healthy and that he only wants me and blah, blah, blah.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 39398
Member # 39398
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And then I start to believe it (knowing that I could never trust him therefore not be happy) but I get that little glimmer of hope and I've never found anything but him talking but I know these girls and they don't have any kind of morals if you know what I mean lol

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's your XBF, then you need to split up from him and separate your lives completely. You can't tell an X that he can or cannot date, see other women, etc. That's why the person is an X. And frankly, its not good for you because you obviously are not moving on with your life if you're still invested in what he's doing.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, the rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover, assuming no new hurts - but you keep getting hurt, and that could be why you're where you're at.

I, too, think it's time to end your relationship with xBF completely.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16572 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 6

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