I read a post in the WS forum about post-A body image. A WS wrote during her A’s, she was high on dopamine and compliments and felt sexy and pretty, and now she doesn’t enjoy the attention from men and wants to try to be “less attractive”.
Another wrote it’s the boundaries that are in place now that make her less attractive. She wrote, “I was getting complimented and hit on like crazy during my A’s but I know it was the vibe I was sending out.” And with boundaries in place, the compliments stopped.
STBXWW used to (still does I guess) get hit on frequently. Even when we were out as a couple, men would buy her drinks. She never turned it down, ether. One time I stepped in and returned the drink. She wasn’t angry at me for returning it, but she said it was rude and dumb to return free alcohol. I replied that guys don’t buy a girl a drink just because they’re nice. Dday #2, she was out with her friends and got pretty smashed. Told me she didn’t have to pay for a single drink that night, and this really nice guy that knows me paid her tab. (I knew who he was, but had never met him.)
Thinking back, this was never an issue early in the marriage. When we went out, we went out as a couple. I’m not saying we were glued at the hips, but we were definitely “together”. I had the utmost confidence in our relationship. But about when she turned 40, we rarely went out just the two of us. It was usually with her friends and it was the typical girls hang together/dance and husbands talk golf, hunting, etc.
I never really understood. I just figured I had a pretty wife and guys noticed her. She has an outgoing, boisterous personality. She’s friendly and people generally like her when the first meet her. That has always been the case. But it did start to become a problem, and caused me to feel uneasy. She would say, “it’s not like I’m putting myself out there!”, and would play it off. She would then tell me she always liked it that I wasn’t the jealous type, and it was me who changed. That I lost my self-esteem and started to become jealous of the attention she was receiving.
So, I have a few questions:
Do women (or men) send out a ‘vibe’ that they’re looking or available? And what does that look like? Eye contact? Body language?
Does accepting a drink from a stranger tell him you’re available, or open an invitation?
Do people buy drinks for random strangers just to be a nice, with no expectations?
I mean, I’m in good shape and I’m not bad to look at, but I never got hit on. I’ve also never bought a woman I did not know a drink. But now that word has gotten out that we’re separated and moving toward divorce, I’ve noticed I have gotten some of that attention. Wonder if it’s my body language or if I’m just now noticing and never did before?