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180 and getting to the bottom of A

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Without12 posted 6/7/2013 12:22 PM

I'm confused, LOL.
How can I get to the bottom of the EA if I'm doing the 180? How can I repair the problems in M if I void myself of sharing feelings with WS?
He is not remorseful. He still denies EA - the 'just friends' line. Just a friend he kept secret for 2-yrs! So what if there wasn't sex, its still EA!
When do I do 180? After the truth comes out and we start to R, or when the truth doesn't come out and I want to punish him? He needs to give me a real answer, not the 'I don't remember' or 'its really not a big deal' answer. How can I NOT push him for more when he tells me that crap. How can I do 180 and act like I don't care when I care terribly?

brokenblackbird posted 6/7/2013 12:37 PM

There is a common misconception that the 180 is some type of manipulation or a way to 'win' back your spouse. What the 180 is is a way for you to take the focus off your spouse and put it on you. The 180 is to detach yourself from the pain.

You 180 right now. It isn't a punishment, it is a release of the constant probing, pushing for more and more information. He isn't going to tell you now if he hasn't already - the more you push, the more exasperated you will be. Move your energy away from that towards your own healing.

You aren't the first person who questions how this will work. It does. Every old timer here will tell you it works. Its hard. You'll stumble. You'll pick yourself back up again and do it.

Shockedman posted 6/7/2013 13:23 PM

Brokenblackbird is right.

Realize this: Your life has changed forever. Accept it. It will NEVER be the same. It could be better, it could be worse, but no matter what happens, the 180 is to help you be the best person you can be. Put the focus on yourself and your needs. You did not choose this. You are not at fault. it is not wrong to focus your energy on yourself and your own healing. Many have said it and I wil say it again. If you really want it to work and R is an option, you HAVE to be willing to lose your partner. If you D or if you R, the 180 will only help YOU moving forward.

tushnurse posted 6/7/2013 15:32 PM

^^^^ This on both responses

I would like to add that without the truth, without him even acknowledging he's done wrong, there is no R. Just Limbo, and noone deserves that.

Focus on you, get you strong again. He certainly doesn't care about the M or you. He does not have your best interest at heart. The only person that you can control is you. You cannot make him do what you want him to do, not even if you have a unicorn, a magic wand, and flying monkeys.

Don't kill yourself trying to nice him back. You end up hurting one person. You.

Make youre demands clear for R. Make your consequences clearer, anything other than that, show him the door.

You have to be willing to loose the M to save it.

((((and strength)))))

isadora posted 6/7/2013 18:52 PM

The 180 will help you put the focus on you.

you can't make him tell you the truth. What are the consequences to him NOT telling the truth.

FWH hid huge chunks of the truth, I couldn't make him tell me. I felt like I was banging my head against the wall. So I stopped talking about the A for a month. I used all of that energy I spent pushing to open up and spent it on myself. It helped me refocus myself and figure out how I wanted to spend my time.

The question you need to ask yourself is how much time do I want to spend with an unremorseful spouse? The 180 will help shift your inner conversation.

longjourney posted 6/8/2013 23:07 PM

The 180 also helps in an indirect way. My H was accustomed to being the center of attention. When I focused it on myself, he became confused. See, even though he was protesting that he was miserable with the situation, I could tell that he was loving the mental picture he had of himself being wanted by two woman. When I turned the attention to myself, he missed the spotlight -- he missed my attention, even if it was negative attention. Even if it was nagging it was still me connecting strongly with him.

Just focus now on yourself. He's had enough of your attention.

Without12 posted 6/17/2013 11:07 AM

Every time we discuss A I learn a little something else. saturday, I learned that he told her he wasn't married and had no kids. I took my wedding ring off. it's optional for him then its optional for me. Wh isn't married then neither am I.

Am I right? I think it's d not r that we are driving down. I am a sahm. No income. How am I supposed to live without him? I don't know what to do. At this point, I am only with him for the financials. I don't I love him anymore. I feel like a very bad person using him.

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