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Newest Member: Winstonsmith (46000)

User Topic: Overcoming R anxiety
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Content  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, in a few hours WH and I are headed to a nice inn to celebrate our 9th anniversary. I have been dreading this anniversary for the last few weeks. It felt pretty empty to celebrate such a flawed marriage. But, based on the good advice of my friends here, I was open with WH and told him that if he wanted to celebrate, he needed to take care of it. He arranged everything, including a weekend without kids; and bought me a very expensive, highly unexpected, and very thoughtful gift. All great...Except, I have been filled with anxiety for the last few days. The inn is in the same state where OW lives. Unfortunately, I go through this every time we are within a 30 mile radius of her home, which is a lot because it is also the state we are both from.

Finally this morning in the shower, it came to me. Why on earth would I be anxious? My husband has admitted that he only hooked up with OW because she was there and made herself very available. She then pursued him afterward tracking him down on LinkedIn. She gave him an ego boost on the night of his HS reunion. That night, he was the cool, good looking, super successful guy; and she fed into that acting like the love struck teenager. He, in turn, acted like the typical d&*k, match made in dysfunctional high school heaved. When Dday hit, and I left him, he dropped her like a hot potato (I told him he could have her and I hope they are happy together). She is a sad, unhealthy woman with very low self esteem. She threw herself at someone else's husband and allowed herself to be used and dropped. I can't imagine acting with that little integrity. I can't imagine being that unhealthy.

But here is what really gave me strength this morning: if my WH EVER acts out with another OW again, I will drop him like a hot potato and never look back because I now know I am way too healthy to spend my life with someone who feels the need to associate with unhealthy people or look outside our marriage and himself for fulfillment. Maybe I will find someone else, or maybe I will just be a strong and healthy mother for my girls. I am everything to them and when they look at me, I see myself as I want to be.

My WH is working harder than I ever thought he could and changing in ways I never believed possible. We may very well make it; but I don't need that in order to be happy. I also don't need to feel anxious about him looking for someone else, but not because of him - because of me. I hope this makes sense to some of you because it was an important shift in thought for me.

Have a great weekend.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Dec 2012
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations on your insight. I hope the weekend is wonderful for you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10740 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
PinkJeepLady
♀ 37575
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really appreciate you using the terms "anxiety and anxious", I felt that way too. I also have recently been able to let go of that "anxiety". It's very freeing isn't it?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they were very meaningful to me.
Now go have fun and make some wonderful memories!!!
Go on, get outta here!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 504 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing. I'm struggling to let go of the anxiety and the fear being fooled again. It is good to know that these feelings will pass and I will be a stronger and better person. Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy being together.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 399 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
anonymous823
♀ 39433
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am struggling badly with anxiety. Reading this really helped me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Beautifulmom
♀ 37611
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But here is what really gave me strength this morning: if my WH EVER acts out with another OW again, I will drop him like a hot potato and never look back because I now know I am way too healthy to spend my life with someone who feels the need to associate with unhealthy people or look outside our marriage and himself for fulfillment. Maybe I
will find someone else, or
maybe I will just be a strong and healthy mother for my girls. I am everything to them and
when they look at me, I see
myself as I want
to be.
Love it!!! Sorry I'm on my kindle and have ahard time qouting, but this subject - how to be "happy" when you are put in what seems like an impossible situation - has been on my mind today.
my problem is balancing the cool, I will leaveyou in the dust if you even look at another woman attitude with the "lets coomit 100%" attitude. Is it possible?

[This message edited by Beautifulmom at 8:28 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 71 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
Topic Posts: 6

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