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Newest Member: Herself (45715)

User Topic: I was not very remorseful today
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More of a vent - the ship will right itself again, but bottleling it up hurts.......

No, today I was tired of being the only bad guy, tired of everything that I do gets me absolutely no where with DH. I was tired of trying to be everything he needs me to be, and suck up that I am not 'allowed' to ask for him to be everything "I" need him to be for me.

Today I am a 5 year fWS who feels like I am hitting a brick wall with all my might to break it down, but all i have to show for myself is a broken face - the wall still stands, possibly even more armored then before.

I am having a hard time today - i am having a very selfish day today.

Basically, I found a website that lists public information (divorces, law suites, ect) and so I start looking up friends and family and what not. I find dirt on a few, couldnt find my divorce documents (strange) but anyway.

while do this i was also printing stuff out and accidently printed one of my searches - happened to be a guy friend (one of a few, plus a handful of girlfriends) and I accidently grabbed it with some folders I brought home.

DH emails me wanting to know who John Doe is and why i have a copy of his divorce record....I told him the above. Also gave him the website to try it out, told him I found him and his first wife and my brother's record and what not.

He doesnt care, wants to know why I was looking up John Doe's information - I said I was curious because he dropped off the face of the planet with out a word, did it for a lot of people, listed them all out, girls boys family ect...

Doesnt matter - ugggggg....(i didnt ugg him)....I tried to apologize, told him I didnt realize that this was not ok with him - told him I wouldnt go there anymore - To late, damage done.

This then sprials into a very ugly argument (which honestly I think was really the issue, not the paper, but i dont know).....

What do you do as a fWS when you are over 5 years out and still, no trust, no benefit of the doubt, no progress towards actual trust - only tentitive maybe at the end of a leash trust.

I know that everyone's line is different, from when you have more trust then you dont have trust, but I really wish i could see that line.

blah - let the 2x4's begin - i am being pretty crappy right now.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
TXwifemom
♀ 37945
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign, so......

Gently, uhm,

Your affair has permanent consequences. I will never love my WH the same again. He killed the person I was. And if he doesn't like the new me, he can leave. He was murdered by you. And you are asking why he questions the knife you carried home?

And why were you looking up old guys from the past? If I caught my WS doing that, I would consider divorce. No questions, just swift justice. After all, he would deserve a divorce after what he has done.

I've told him he can cry and whine about it not being fair. Just like I did about his multiple affairs. Forgiveness is about giving up on justice. Some crimes have no justice. Why are you whining?

Swallow it with a smile. Or leave. Your choice.

If I saw my WS doing what you did, the above is what I would say. Just another perspective. Good luck.


Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
She-Ra
♀ 36033
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Undefinable

I gotta say it does look suspect to be looking up guys divorce records. It looks like you are checking up on someone that you are interested in. All the explanations in the world don't really cover it. If my husband was looking up a girls divorce record, I wouldn't buy any story. It just seems odd

As for remorseful.. Maybe it's because you forgot how to be? Your time on SI has been spent on being a possible BS, and no time spent as a FWS. I'm glad to see you post here as maybe this will help you dig into those past behaviours that made you a WS in the first place


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
Both in IC/MC. Finally in R.
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 884 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically, I found a website that lists public information (divorces, law suites, ect) and so I start looking up friends and family and what not. I find dirt on a few, couldnt find my divorce documents (strange) but anyway.

while do this i was also printing stuff out and accidently printed one of my searches - happened to be a guy friend (one of a few, plus a handful of girlfriends) and I accidently grabbed it with some folders I brought home.

It's absolutely none of my business - you don't owe these answers to me - but I'm confused and stuck on this part.

You found a website that lists public information, looking first for stuff on yourself, then checked out a couple other people. (I have totally done this)

After finding nothing on yourself, were there still some things you were printing from this website, and the guy's was unintentional? If so, what were you printing? I just know that the steps it takes to print something from the interwebs are pretty deliberate. I accidentally print the wrong email all the time and end up with odd ones in a stack, but I WAS deliberately printing from outlook so it makes sense.

Like I said, you don't have to answer to me, but as someone wanting to help I'm struggling with this piece. Maybe there's a deeper explanation that helps how this could have happened. Or maybe we can be the frontlines for you to help think about whether it might have been deliberate - out of curiosity - meaning no harm, but still hurtful to your BH? If there's any truth to this, we can help you with it. It's scary, but slip-ups DO happen. To everyone.


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18277 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
BaxtersBFF
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Undefinabl3,

I know I'm late to the game on this one, but what happened? What was the outcome with your BH?

It is curious that you would go through the effort of printing out info on others, but to print out a D record on an ex? And this was an effort to be able to say "see? I'm not the only bad-guy here?"

It doesn't make sense. It isn't a matter of being contrite for the rest of your life. It isn't a matter of always being under a microscope. But isn't it a matter of looking past that accusations and being able to comfort your BH instead of defending yourself by pointing out how crappy everybody else?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I'm late to the game on this one, but what happened? What was the outcome with your BH?

honestly, it got dropped because his brother from another mother was electrocuted and is currently in the burn unit at a local hospital.

This issue seemed a little meaningless compared to the almost loss of a close friend.

It is curious that you would go through the effort of printing out info on others, but to print out a D record on an ex? And this was an effort to be able to say "see? I'm not the only bad-guy here?"

I didnt print out any other persons information, and I didnt mean to print his out either.

I have duel screens at work and thought i was on one screen to print something out but was on the other screen that this record was on.

I didnt want to just throw it away, so I put it on my shred pile to take down with me to put into the shred bin with the other stuff that needed to go in there for the day.

I had folders that I needed to take home as well, so in order for me not to forget them, I put the folders on top of the pile. When I went to put the files in my bag, I accidently grabbed the record.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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