More of a vent - the ship will right itself again, but bottleling it up hurts.......
No, today I was tired of being the only bad guy, tired of everything that I do gets me absolutely no where with DH. I was tired of trying to be everything he needs me to be, and suck up that I am not 'allowed' to ask for him to be everything "I" need him to be for me.
Today I am a 5 year fWS who feels like I am hitting a brick wall with all my might to break it down, but all i have to show for myself is a broken face - the wall still stands, possibly even more armored then before.
I am having a hard time today - i am having a very selfish day today.
Basically, I found a website that lists public information (divorces, law suites, ect) and so I start looking up friends and family and what not. I find dirt on a few, couldnt find my divorce documents (strange) but anyway.
while do this i was also printing stuff out and accidently printed one of my searches - happened to be a guy friend (one of a few, plus a handful of girlfriends) and I accidently grabbed it with some folders I brought home.
DH emails me wanting to know who John Doe is and why i have a copy of his divorce record....I told him the above. Also gave him the website to try it out, told him I found him and his first wife and my brother's record and what not.
He doesnt care, wants to know why I was looking up John Doe's information - I said I was curious because he dropped off the face of the planet with out a word, did it for a lot of people, listed them all out, girls boys family ect...
Doesnt matter - ugggggg....(i didnt ugg him)....I tried to apologize, told him I didnt realize that this was not ok with him - told him I wouldnt go there anymore - To late, damage done.
This then sprials into a very ugly argument (which honestly I think was really the issue, not the paper, but i dont know).....
What do you do as a fWS when you are over 5 years out and still, no trust, no benefit of the doubt, no progress towards actual trust - only tentitive maybe at the end of a leash trust.
I know that everyone's line is different, from when you have more trust then you dont have trust, but I really wish i could see that line.
blah - let the 2x4's begin - i am being pretty crappy right now.