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Underwear proof?

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starmoonchild posted 6/7/2013 14:12 PM

This may sound silly, but are underwear stains reliable clues to another A going on? And what about distraction, as in, my FWS comes home from work and for the first 5 to 10 minutes in the door he will stand at the kitchen counter and look through various flyers that have arrived in the mail or even just look through any of my to do lists that are there. He will do this before he really even talks to me, and I have noticed lately that he is averting his eyes when he comes in the door. But these things are only for the first 5 to 10 minutes and then he will give me a kiss or hug and talk. Am I being too worried, or is this common?

SecondHelping posted 6/7/2013 15:11 PM

I can't comment on the underware, but I can on the distraction. I used to work a pretty stressful job and I needed to destress when I got home. I needed 10-15 minutes of alone time when I first walked in the door before I faced the family issues. My family knew to let me go upstairs and change my clothes and decompress for a bit they talked to me. I would take my time to change, lay on the bed for a few minutes and prepare myself for the trouble and news of the families day.

Fortuneately, I now have a less stressful job and I don't need that time now.

Maybe that is what your FWS is doing.

starmoonchild posted 6/7/2013 16:08 PM

I wish you were right, but he doesn't de-stress standing up at the counter when he walks in...I mean this is before he says much at all, and he is supposed to be doing all in his power to reconcile after an 18 month affair....plus averting his eyes was what he did before, he'd actually walk in from 2 or 3 days away and not even look into my face when he got home, not even say hello. I am worried...

Rebreather posted 6/7/2013 16:53 PM

My husband didn't look me in the eye when he came home when he was having an affair. Regardless, your spouse isn't engaged in the recovery and isn't providing the effort you need. You can address that on its own. But I would probably be pretty vigilant.

pewpewpew posted 6/7/2013 16:59 PM

You can purchase kits online that will tell you if it's semen on the underwear.

But, I wouldn't say it's proof of an A - men tend to masterbate.

The diverting attention could be he needs to unwind as well.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/7/2013 17:15 PM

Have you asked him about the lack of attention in a non accusatory way?

Honest open communication is the key.

starmoonchild posted 6/7/2013 17:36 PM

I don't want to ask him about this, because I don't want to alert him in any way that I may suspect another return to the OW. I have a gut feeling that he's seeing her again, even though he denies this constantly. His answers aren't forceful enough, quite often just "I don't want her. I don't need her" I keep feeling that maybe the 3rd chance was such a stupid decision....I live with constant distrust of him, no matter what he says or does. It's the gut thing that is the strongest, though. To his credit, he does want the R, and has been really great to me in so many ways, but....well you all know.

Nature_Girl posted 6/7/2013 18:40 PM

Both of those would be red flags to me. There actually is a member here who found evidence of her husband cheating by the stains in his underwear. As for trying to explain it by saying that men masturbate, I say masturbating while out & about during the day is unacceptable behavior.

PurpleBirch posted 6/7/2013 19:24 PM

I was one person who sent in my WH boxers. They couldn't confirm 100% as-in lock solid in court, but there was a third person on there besides my WH and I

As you can see from my sig, I was right, though it took him months to actually admit to it. So yeah, the two things together would definitely make me suspicious.

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