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smittennomore posted 6/7/2013 14:27 PM

So I'm going to start by just admitting it's been a really difficult two weeks. I finally got the courage to tell OW's BH, found out that OW had been lying to me about her family circumstances in order to convince me not to tell her BH, found very old conversations between WH and a female friend via Gmail chat (nothing bad, I'm just pissed I didn't know about them), have had triggers like crazy etc, etc. Basically poor poor pity party me. I know I'm just in a bad spot and I'll snap out of it.

Looking for advice or stories on where your sex life was at 6 months in.

BG: WH screwed up our sex life big time during the course of his affair. He LITERALLY erased in his mind what our sex life used to be like in order to justify the affair. He stopped having sex with me completely, said terrible things about me physically, told me I was unattractive, he could not get an erection during the few times we did try to be intimate (after me being rejected over and over again). It really was a complete mind f*@& for me.

Since the affair came out, progress for us sexually was initially slow and incredibly painful. He would still have significant erection issues, told me openly that he was struggling with that because he was thinking of her and she was more attractive than I was, blah, blah, blah. It all feels like such a bad dream.

He has owned how wrong that was, worked really hard in IC, MC and with a CSAT, and progress has been made. So, now he can get an erection when we are intimate, he is complimentary, initiates more frequently, etc. However, I am feeling more and more, I don't know.... almost resentment at him for destroying our sex life for so long, and for the still present issues we are dealing with in regards to that. I had put together a pretty detailed list of things that I'd like him to work on while we are trying to R in regards to our intimate life and the way we interact sexually. He has done some of them, not done others, acknowledges that he needs to do "more".

I don't want to be unreasonable. It's just stressful around here. He left his job due to the A, we have two little ones (3 & 1), I am struggling to support us financially while he gets a new business off the ground. I'm still just left feeling like I am willing to walk away if our sex life isn't fixed, and soon. I'm coping with feeling as though it's been broken for 2 1/2 years, and I'm just over it. I begged him over the course of the affair to tell me what was wrong with our sex life, to go see a dr, to go see a counselor, to talk to me, to help me figure out what was wrong. All I got was blame shifting that he wasn't drawn to me or attracted to me or whatever. It left me a mess. I'm dealing with that in IC, and I feel like as I'm getting my confidence back, I'm getting more frustrated with the lack of progress in our sex life.

I don't want to wait for him to "figure it out" anymore, I'm feeling like (and telling him) it's a deal breaker for me. I just can't believe that 6 months from DD, we are not where I want us to be intimately. He says part of his brain is still being "rewired" back to where it never should have left in the first place, that it's hard to share in some ways for him, and that he needs me to continue to be patient.

I know I'm just triggering today, but I'm just so sick of dealing with continued issues from his choices.

Any similar struggles or thoughts? Am I expecting too much from him?

TrustGone posted 6/7/2013 16:29 PM

No you are not expecting too much from him. He basically destroyed your sex life with his rejection of you over his AP. Then to say he had trouble getting an erection post-A because she looked better than you. How horrible for you to have your self-esteem trashed like that. I would be unable to forgive if my WH#2 had said anything like that to me. He only said she would do things I wouldn't, but wouldn't tell me what that was and I don't care to know what he did with the OW sexually. I don't need the mind movies. I am glad he is trying somewhat, but it sounds like he has a long way to go. It also sounds like this could be a deal breaker and I can certainly understand why you are feeling that way. Just know that it really had nothing to do with you, what you look like, if she was better in bed, etc... It is about his brokeness and he needs to get to the bottom of that before you can really move forward. It wouldn't matter if you were the greatest in bed and looked like a super model, he would have still cheated. He blame shifted onto you to hide his own brokeness. I am so sorry you are going through this. That has to be especially painful to try and get past. (((HUGS)))

huRtZ413 posted 6/7/2013 16:39 PM

Sorry you in this position how horrible of him to say something like that I can't even imagine . Sounds like he's not doing all he can do to help you! I hope he wakes up to how and why he is being this way , the real reason . Keep your head up I'm sure your a beautiful person and he has no idea what he really has with you . Show him!