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One Year Ago Tomorrow

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Skan posted 6/7/2013 16:20 PM

One year ago tomorrow, at 10am in the morning, I opened up my husbandís computer, started reading, fell to the floor in floods of tears, and threw up the contents of my stomach. One year ago tomorrow, I will have spent 2.5 hours crying, copying letters, come-onís, his AFF profile, his secret email accounts, his yahoo chat logs, and tons of other disgusting, heart-breaking communications, while sobbing, screaming, wailing, vomiting, and at times, being reduced to crawling to get to the bathroom. I will have mopped up the places where I vomited, washed my nausea-covered clothing and myself, put on a new outfit, and drove to pick my FWH up from work so that we could travel away to another town to spend the weekend. We never made it there read my profile for the details. And when we got home and I confronted him, he told me the one thing that I didnít find out from his computer. That he had had an ONS with someone he met on AFF 29 days before. 5 Days before our 20th anniversary. And that he was in the process of trying to meet up with her again.

Iíve been dreading tomorrow. I counted down days after that day for months. I started counting down days TO that day about 2 months ago. And these last couple of weeks have been rough. Really rough. We got through the 1 year anniversary of him meeting her for coffee. We got through the one year anniversary of him screwing her. We got through our wedding anniversary by ignoring it. And then he got arrested for DUI and I had to bail him out literally hours before my mother came to spend a week with us. We got through telling her about the DUI. Weíre dealing with all of the ramifications that this new slice of crap is going to shower down upon us. And now, tomorrow is less than 24 hours away.

I feel strange. I remember that frantic, crying, strung-out being almost in the third person. She was stabbed in the heart. She bled out for some time. Sheís still got scarring and a lump of hurt in her. But she learned how to stand up for herself again. She learned how to set boundaries and how to walk away if needed. She learned when to take and when to give. And sheís learning more every day and becoming a person that I love.

And what about him? He learned that he was a broken man. He learned that he could not handle his demons alone, and he learned to open up to councilors and to her. He realized what he was throwing away, and grabbed his life back and is hanging onto it with arms and legs. He got cocky and learned that heís still in need of healing that this is a road that will indeed be walked upon for years. Heís learning to be humble and to stay humble in the sight of God, and that he has to be that person every day.

What have we learned? That there is love between us. That we need to fight for and nourish that love every day of our lives. That there is no such thing as a protective lie between us. That we make a choice every day, to commit to each other and love each other, or to turn our backs on ďus.Ē That we are both worthy of love and that we need to show love, caring, and commitment to each other every day.

One year ago tomorrow, I would not have believed that we would be walking the path that we are walking now. One year ago tomorrow, I thought that We would be He and I from that point on. One year ago tomorrow, my world exploded around me and I was left a bleeding hulk. Today, I look back upon that person, both people, with compassion and acknowledgement of the rocky road that was to come, wishing that I could have whispered in each personís ear, it will get better you will survive. I donít know what tomorrow is going to bring. But I know where Iíve come from, and I can see where I want to go, and tomorrow is, with the grace of God, going to be just another way-station that I leave behind me. That we leave behind us.

One year ago tomorrow.

Godsgirl posted 6/7/2013 17:42 PM

devotedfool68 posted 6/7/2013 17:47 PM

Beautiful and inspiring............thank you!!

stillonthefence posted 6/7/2013 23:51 PM

Your post gives me hope as I am in a somewhat similar situation. Beautifully written.

MrsDoubtfire posted 6/8/2013 01:53 AM

Whatever emotions you feel on that day just go with them and keep putting one foot in front of the other. As the saying goes, this too shall pass. I'm dealing with some awful emotions at present but it's been pointed out to me they are on the back of an anti versary so may be linked.

That woman one year ago tomorrow? She's survived the last year of hell. She's stronger. She knows her bitch boots work and that her husband is man enough to accept he is broken and wants to fight for his M. She has got through those times where she thought her heart would explode and she would die.

And Skan, that woman has about 20 thousand BS's behind her ready to hoik her up if she stumbles tomorrow. We have broad shoulders and plenty of shirt sleeves and hankies if you need them.

You might not trigger as much as you expect to which will be a bonus but the first anti usually does smart a bit more than we anticipate. Stay strong.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/8/2013 05:23 AM

Skan posted 6/8/2013 16:25 PM

Thank you all. We got thru our Retrouvaille meeting this morning. I triggered a few times the subjects were intimacy and sex. At one point, I had a pile of tissues in front of me. But my FWH was right beside me, holding my hand, putting an arm around me, nudging me with his knee, and just being present for me. That helped a lot.

Over the hump of 10am. We have to get up in a few moments to get the house ready for company tonight. Then we're going to go over some stuff that we need to work on, on the house, and schedule the times we're going to work on it. Hopefully, we're on the downhill slope for today. He still owes me a letter. I'm hoping that it's going to appear once the company goes home.

meplusfour posted 6/8/2013 16:29 PM

Your strength and depth of character provides me with hope that one day I can be where you are.

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