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The Value of SI

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Shockedman posted 6/7/2013 16:36 PM

I know many of you will say that this in MY safe place and I agree. The value of SI in the first few weeks after d-day has been amazing. I don't thinkI would be anywhere near as Ok as I am without the help and guidance of all the great people here on SI.

That being said, I feel my WW will NEVER get her head out of her ass and get out of blame shifting mode without some help. Counciling is great, buyt a 1 hour session, once a week equals YEARS before she "gets it" plus she is a good manipulator. Who knows if counceling wil even be any good.

I think she would surely benefit from a reality check that other waywards would be able to offer. She of course would be defensive with just about anyone who challenges her because she feels judged and guity as she should, BUT maybe, just maybe other waywards would be able to help her as they walked in her shoes so to speak. Does that make sense? I don't really want to share SI with her, but......

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/7/2013 16:42 PM

Waywards won't be able to post in this forum, so they can't answer you here.

It seems good in principal to have some waywards try to talk some sense into your ww. But, as I have seen many times before..if they don't want to listen, they won't hear a damn thing.

I would keep SI as your safe place. At least for now.

Twitchy posted 6/7/2013 17:05 PM

I tried to get my wife to come her after d-day. You can lead a horse to water....

She wasn't in a place to open up or to accept that others here at SI could help.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/7/2013 17:09 PM

I've been reading your posts.

I would highly and strongly suggest that you keep your WW away from the place that is safe for you......for now anyway.


SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/7/2013 17:17 PM

Funny, I was originally going to say that Gonnabe and I can both attest to the disadvantages of having your spouse on here.

The force is strong with that one.

Bikingguy posted 6/7/2013 17:20 PM

My WW is a lurker here, but has never posted. It has been both a blessing and a curse.

I suggested she join as I worried that she had no support system other than MC at the time. She really struggled with what many of you had to say to my post. I will admit some will try and project their sit to someones else's - many times correctly so but sometimes not so much.

I also felt a loss of a safe place to vent - although we do talk about everything. She agreed at one point to stop reading post from me. However I realized she was and it really sent me off - breaking a promise. This even led to one terrible MC session and some hard conversations. She apologized and said it would not happen again. I told her I did not have that many "I sorries" left.

Anyway she says she does not read any posts I start, sometimes does come across my responses to others. However I have resigned to reducing my posts - if I don't give her the chance to break a promise it won't happen again.

That being said she does read the WW side a lot and we discuss many of the posts.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/7/2013 17:20 PM

I almost referenced you, WB, since I noticed that you chimed in. But since you didn't bring it up first.....I erased it.

To elaborate, SM....I think I used almost the exact same words that you did here. Everyone said nononono. The others said 'wait'. I didn't listen. I am still paying for THAT bad decision....

tushnurse posted 6/7/2013 17:26 PM

No this is your safe place. Do not share with her. She's not even close to getting it.

Print off what you want her tO read. Don't tell her where or how you get your info.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/7/2013 19:05 PM

I got my WH on here and he promptly got himself banned in what Insuspect was some kind of record for offending the most people in the least amount of time. 2 1/2 years later he is just starting to get it. He was a particularly challenging case and I was more bat shit crazy than strong when it came to dealing with him. I ignored a lot of very reasonable advice to kick him to the curb. I did try but he refused to go, even after I changed the locks.i think he got in through a window and rechanged the lock to the back door without my knowing for awhile.

We did have extenuating circumstances. WH was an alcoholic and he was actively seeking treatment, attending meetings, getting counseling. I had a leader of one of the meetings promise he would be a different person in a year. It took I'm just that long to get sober.

I'm not usually as hard on women as I am on men. Possibly a character flaw on my part but after years of abuse from men, not surprising. I don't spend as much time responding to men here but your situation seems to warrant it.

One thing people here say a lot, you have to be willing to lose them to have any chance at R. I believe that. Otherwise they will get away with whatever they want, whenever they want.

You are right about IC not being very effective with NPD types. The therapists can't see through their lies. It's one of the reason's I have gone to MC even though it is torture for me. Someone has to call him on his bullshit.

There's a little book called, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." I suggest you read it and then give it to your wife. Tell her not to contact you until she, reess it, gets it and commits it to her heart and can do what is required to start doing what's required for R. You would be doing her a generous favor. She may dot be able to accept that but at least you will know you tried.

Meanwhile, 180, detach, make time and energy for more positive things in your life. Even if it's just seeing a movie you want to see. Working out is great therapy.

Shockedman posted 6/7/2013 20:38 PM

YEAH, I agree. This is my safe place. I already knew that, just almost thinking out loud.

She texts me tonight ans tells me she wants me to know she is working on stuff. Her therapist sugest she read "Anatomy of the Spirit" I lokked up this book...."With this model, Dr. Myss shows how you can develop your own latent powers of intuition as you simultaneously cultivate your personal power and spiritual growth."

Still thinking soley of herself and how she can heal. Shes not even close. she would be better to read the "how to help your spouse heal", but as you said, that would a gift to give it to her. I don't want to hold her hand and tell her how to help me. Then it isn't genuine.

My response to her text was "OK". She of course texted back and said she was not trying to be pushy and why don't you let me know when you want to discuss anything other than work or home.And asked if I intended to wait until MC?

I responded with:
"Ok. Ill let you know. I need space and I think NC is best for a while. I will discuss work/home issues only.

She responded with OK.

Give me a break with her? I am supposed to clap and cheer that she is working on "herself". She and another man have been working on "herself" for months now!
That may have been my first joke since d-day. That felt good.

Anyway, I am keeping her away from SI for now and until I really feel she has earned the right to gain the knowledge this place has to offer. As someone else said, she can continue to sniff unicorn farts for a while......

((wonderby)) I didnt want her to answer me. In fact I wasnt going to tell her I even posted here. I just wanted her to get a kick in the ass from other wayward spouses, but she isn't even close yet and It will only share SI with her when I think she has earned the right. I may be never....

[This message edited by Shockedman at 8:58 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

hathnofury posted 6/7/2013 22:08 PM

I am so glad you decided to hold off. You are right, SI gives you a light years' advantage in the whole of infidelity processing. But IMHO, unless the WS is totally and truly remorseful, the BS deserves that advantage because they get so many deficits in so many other areas when they JFO. And very few WS are totally and truly remorseful from the very beginning.

The sad truth is the WSs have to do the work to get to that point, and if they really were...they could find SI on their own.

Regretfully, some WS do get directed to SI when they have not truly remorseful, not done the work and do not intend to, and use what the BS posts against them. The BS doesn't get the guidance and expertise s/he specifically needs here unless s/he bares the soul and shares the specific sitch and fallout. That's a gold mine for someone that is not out for his/her best interests. Until WS has your best interests at heart, it is best to keep SI your safe place.

I can tell you that I have shared some of the things I have written here with my WS without revealing SI itself, and it has been tremendously helpful...after some progress was made, much further down the line. But again, it is part of putting *my* best interests forward and not his. Two years later, he has still not earned my recommendation to use SI as a resource. I know that because of the guidance I get in confidence here.

solus sto posted 6/8/2013 07:18 AM

If and when she shows genuine remorse and empathy, it might be a good idea to share SI with her.

Until then, I would strongly recommend against it.

I had a horrible---really horrendous and damaging---experience as a result of asking my WH to join.

Until and unless you KNOW your wife is strongly committed to repairing your marriage with you, I would keep it under wraps.

I would hate for you to go through what I did.

rivenheart posted 6/8/2013 08:46 AM

Over time your posts will be unaccessisble to basic search function. So the details in your posts that might identify you to her will be gone, unless they're in your profile. Even then, if she doesn't know your handle, she might have a hard time picking you out of the crowd, so to speak.

Still, I agree that she doesn't sound like she's remotely in the place where SI could help her. She doesn't even meet the membership requirements for WS's here. She'd have to be committed to ending the A before she could register and post. She could read if she were so inclined, but would she at this point? Sounds unlikely to me.

Pudding posted 6/10/2013 13:01 PM

Agree with everyone else here. I was tempted to tell my FWH SI as soon as I found it. Mainly to show him that I wasn't made, there were a whole lot of other people feeling exactly the same pain out there because of what their WSs had done.

Others here advised me against telling him straightaway and to keep I as "my safe place", which is what it is. Since then I have been able to vent freely without thinking I needs to censor anything I said in case he read it.

Now, further down the line, I want him to be reading here and learning from other waywards, but I feel he needs to find it himself if its going to be of use. I look at the wayward posts and see if I can see him, but he's not here yet.

I would endorse "How to Help your spouse heal from your affair". That really got him seeing things from a BS perspective. It's is short and direct. After your WS has read that, they be ready for here, but don't bring them here until they are ready. keep it as your safe place.bring him

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