I don't know of a time in my M where another woman was not in the background. It doesn't matter if it was an IRL OW, a playboy bunny, a strip club dancer, or a "rate the breast" on his phone.
I know my value as a woman and mother but I have always struggled with major insecurity over my body. I know that I have body distortion issues because what I see in the mirror isn't what the rest of the world see apparental or so I'm told.
SAWH has always said that I'm beautiful and sexy and that he doesn't compare me to other women but I have no ability to compartmentalize and I just have a very hard time believing this.
I'm 40 pds over weight, I'm about to turn 40, and I've had four babies and 4 c-section, and I have the stretch marks to prove it. Firmness is going out the window. If SAWH keeps being attracted to a different, more perky looking woman, how on God's green earth am I not to take that personally. Maybe if he was having A's with women who resembled me, I could have an easier time believing him.
During his more intense A's, SAWH had made some cruel remarks about my weight and that he like a certain OW because they were different than me. He has since said he was wrong and so very sorry but how do I know he isn't lying to make me feel better?
I've been with SAWH since I was 16. If other guys think I'm beautiful or sexy, I wouldn't know it. I haven't a clue half the time if someone is flirting with me or just being nice. So I really only have one man that I judge my looks by.
Seriously, how do I not take this personally? How am I to be intimate with SAWH, when these thoughts and his words from the past fly through my mind.
I was doing OK until he confessed to looking at "rate the breast" website on his phone. Now I've just grown detached emotionally and physically. Am I asking too much to want to feel truly desired and cherished by my own H. I'm tired of comparing myself to other women and not measuring up. I'm tired of not feeling beautiful around my owm H. And words just won't fix this. I don't know how to get through to SAWH how his actions have crushed my self confidence when I'm around him. He really sees this as something that has nothing to do with me. I guess I just lack the ability to comprehend that.
Me-BS (45)
Him-SAWH (45)
Married 25 years
The chain on my mood swing just broke. Run!
5 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC
I can do all things through Christ