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How do you not take it personally?

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Godsgirl posted 6/7/2013 16:42 PM

I don't know of a time in my M where another woman was not in the background. It doesn't matter if it was an IRL OW, a playboy bunny, a strip club dancer, or a "rate the breast" on his phone.
I know my value as a woman and mother but I have always struggled with major insecurity over my body. I know that I have body distortion issues because what I see in the mirror isn't what the rest of the world see apparental or so I'm told.
SAWH has always said that I'm beautiful and sexy and that he doesn't compare me to other women but I have no ability to compartmentalize and I just have a very hard time believing this.
I'm 40 pds over weight, I'm about to turn 40, and I've had four babies and 4 c-section, and I have the stretch marks to prove it. Firmness is going out the window. If SAWH keeps being attracted to a different, more perky looking woman, how on God's green earth am I not to take that personally. Maybe if he was having A's with women who resembled me, I could have an easier time believing him.
During his more intense A's, SAWH had made some cruel remarks about my weight and that he like a certain OW because they were different than me. He has since said he was wrong and so very sorry but how do I know he isn't lying to make me feel better?
I've been with SAWH since I was 16. If other guys think I'm beautiful or sexy, I wouldn't know it. I haven't a clue half the time if someone is flirting with me or just being nice. So I really only have one man that I judge my looks by.
Seriously, how do I not take this personally? How am I to be intimate with SAWH, when these thoughts and his words from the past fly through my mind.
I was doing OK until he confessed to looking at "rate the breast" website on his phone. Now I've just grown detached emotionally and physically. Am I asking too much to want to feel truly desired and cherished by my own H. I'm tired of comparing myself to other women and not measuring up. I'm tired of not feeling beautiful around my owm H. And words just won't fix this. I don't know how to get through to SAWH how his actions have crushed my self confidence when I'm around him. He really sees this as something that has nothing to do with me. I guess I just lack the ability to comprehend that.

Amazonia posted 6/7/2013 17:31 PM

I actually think this is a big reason I spent so much time in IC focusing on the "why". I needed to understand his motivation to understand that it wasn't about me. Even his best friend, who trivialized the whole situation, told me that it would have happened no matter who he was with.

My XH has childhood trauma issues that messed him up. Your husband is a sex addict. That, or whatever caused that, is why this is happening, not because you have a normal figure or a few stretch marks.

This is about his weaknesses, not yours. Hard to wrap your head around, but sometimes recognizing the extent of how messed up the other person is helps.

Godsgirl posted 6/7/2013 17:37 PM

My IC says basically the same thing. It doesn't help that his addiction hits me right where I'm most vunerable.

MartlArts posted 6/7/2013 17:42 PM

I am feeling seriously pissed on your behalf and think you should tell him you're only attracted to men who aren't assholes so he doesn't measure up.

Godsgirl posted 6/7/2013 17:48 PM

Thanks! Somehow I think my detached attitude has convived that message but I know I need to say the words.

letitout posted 6/8/2013 10:45 AM

"If SAWH keeps being attracted to a different, more perky looking woman, how on God's green earth am I not to take that personally. Maybe if he was having A's with women who resembled me, I could have an easier time believing him." (I don't know to highlight peoples posts)

I told my husband this time after time. Why did he have to go after 20 yo. I'ts not healthy but I now undress in the dark quickly and very self conscious in bed.

It is a thing I have to work on myself and it is hard.

We are beautiful no matter what and for me I need to validate myself in other ways beyond the physical. Other people like me for who I am. I try to have the attitude that I don't care what he thinks. I am me.

catlover50 posted 6/8/2013 10:59 AM


Of course this is hard. I will tell you that my 21 year old son posts pictures of size 14 women on his tumblr account that highlight how beautiful they are. He is a very handsome young man and is living with an average sized girl (ie not super thin). You may want to check some of these images out online. Both of our children rebel against societies messages on female "beauty".

I would also recommend that you work on feeling good about yourself unrelated to your WH. Feeling good about your whole self, inside and out. Use your body in ways that make you feel strong and powerful (ie yoga, working in the garden, walking, etc), remembering that your body grew and nurtured four human beings, spending time with people who value you. Also, perhaps get yourself some nice lingerie or clothes, just for you, that make you feel good about yourself. You are beautiful and you just need to do things that remind you of that.

Your WH's issues have nothing to do with you. Halle Berry got cheated on, for goodness sake.

Hugs to you.

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