SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Feb 8, 2011 posted 6/7/2013 18:19 PM

Well, first...let me tell ANY new members to listen to the advice regarding the 180. I wish that I had far more advice than that....that I was one of the former JFO denizens back to help the new victims, but for now I am still dealing with my own situation..

We separated in the summer, I bought a new house (same neighbourhood--for the kids and their friends), and started a relationship with an old friend. I figured I was ready.

Maybe I was...sure felt like it. She is great...funny, charming, "other"

But now, my FWW is bombarding me with text messages, and conversations...she wants me back. She is saying all the right things, and we do have three young children.

So now I have to hurt someone (or both...as now I am not so sure I still feel ready for a new relationship).

wifeno2 posted 6/7/2013 19:09 PM

No, you don't. You don't have to hurt anyone. Be honest with yourself, and with both women.

If you aren't ready for a relationship then you aren't ready for a relationship. With someone new or your FWW.

And what has your FWW done that makes her seem like a viable partner for R. Did she just get wind that you found someone new and her ego doesn't want to allow that? Or has she really done the work on herself to warrant considering R?

Be honest, go slowly...

[This message edited by wifeno2 at 7:09 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

toby posted 6/7/2013 19:21 PM

Listen to wifeno2!!!!
Your WW has put you through hell!!!

SisterMilkshake posted 6/7/2013 19:32 PM

Awww, you were doing so good, Feb. Where is the "Hoovering" thread? You need to read it.

wifeno2 gives good advice, I really think you need to listen. Your WW has consistently done this to you, Feb. Please remember that. I sure as hell do.

Maybe you aren't ready for a new relationship, but I sure don't think you and WW are ready to reconcile by a long shot. imo

DeadMumWalking posted 6/8/2013 01:14 AM

Hi again ((((Feb))))

Ask yourself what your (F?)WW has done to show you that she is worthy of you.

Sure, she's blowing up your phone with texts, perhaps even talking up a storm, but this is JUST WORDS. What has she DONE??

This is a VERY common phenomenon, that the WS didn't (and maybe still doesn't) want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. Doesn't want anyone else to be more important to you than they are. They don't like to see that they are losing their ability to control and manipulate you. They don't like to be reminded that you are choosing NOT to settle for whatever measly crumbs they are handing out.

Has WW stopped boinking everyone in the riding club? Has she gone to IC to fix what is broken in herself? Has she gotten to the very bottom of her 'why' she had the A? (or is it As plural, sorry I don't remember) Is she prepared to work on your relationship in MC? Or whatever other condition you have or had or would have had if you were ever going to stay together? What has she done to show you true remorse? How do her words and actions compare to those of REMORSEFUL and recovered WS on SI??

Do not make the mistake of letting her back in without FIRST answering all of these things for yourself. Because if she doesn't truly 'get it', you will just set back your own (great!) progress and healing. Don't do it.

If she is for real, then she will do WHATEVER it takes. In fact, she would have ALREADY been taking major steps in that direction.

My guess is it's all just more hot air. She can't stand it that you are moving on. This is really very common, I'm sure it's somewhere in the WS handbook.

As for having to hurt someone - I really don't think you are there yet. If you are ready for your new relationship then keep going for it. If you are realizing that you're not ready for a new relationship, then you can respectfully back off for a bit, the new lady should understand. But don't dump new lady for WW, who just wants to suck you back in. And you won't be 'hurting' WW to continue to reinforce your boundaries with her. Although if you show her that you are immune to her words and she won't back them up with action, you can expect her to RAMP IT UP EVEN MORE. It's all just part of the act. Forewarned is forearmed. Don't allow her to dangle that teeny tiny thread of hope in front of you - or at least, don't act on it.

Hang in there Feb. I'm glad you have found someone new. Don't sell yourself short. Keep up the 180, and NC (except for kids and finances). Don't feed the crazy.

((((Feb))))

foxglove posted 6/8/2013 08:48 AM

This is one of the later chapters of the Cheater's Handbook entitled, "If I can't have you, no one else can".

My XH has done this multiple times, but it's all just talk, talk, talk. No action.
What has your XW done to fix herself?

joeboo posted 6/8/2013 10:40 AM

Being about the same age and about as far along in the process, but choosing a different path as I am still in some type of R limbo, I tried to put myself in your shoes. I'm sure its much easier for me to think about it than it is for you to live it, but I thought I would throw out a little feedback.

First of all, I do agree that you do need to be honest with both women, as that is really a reflection of being honest with yourself.

Secondly, we all must have thought our WS's were charming at one point early on in our relationships that caused us to get together with them in the first place. So is this charm you are seeing from your fww really any different now? I am still attracted to my wife, not just physically, but sometimes she is just fun to be around. But, sometimes she lies to anyone for seemingly no reason whatsoever. So then it begs the question...., are there people who truly want to be a good spouse, but for whatever reason are not really capable? I would question my own wife's capability because she may want to be in a good marriage, and want to be single at the same time.

Next, think about your own confusion about relationships, emotions, the kids, etc... I would expect your wife to have those same confused feelings. So what is really motivating you to go back to her? What is really motivating her to get back with you? Does she really want to get back with you, or is she just trying to keep you as an option? Do you really want to get back with her, or are you just trying to keep her as an option? Metaphorically speaking, sometimes humans are mesmerized by snake charming; some fall for the charmer, some fall for the snake. So please make sure you know what you want, and then make sure she is capable, not just passionate.

There are a myriad of questions to ask yourself and I am sure they are all tough questions without easy answers. I wish you the very best no matter what you decide.

Feb 8, 2011 posted 12/29/2013 23:46 PM

Almost 3 year update.

That was a HUGE mistake.

I don't know why I ever came on here...I never took the advice.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

We are 100% finished now...the only question is how to co-parent with someone for whom I have absolutely no respect

Crushed1 posted 12/30/2013 00:15 AM

(((Feb))) You are going to make it through this! I'm sorry she let you down again.