Jackie - I so can relate to your post. I am still in such incredible pain and just want it all to go away.
I have wonderful family and friends that I can spend time with, but the bottom line is that when you get home, it's just you - alone - in your lonely house and in your lonely bed.
I have bought books to read at night when I get into bed to try to help me "forget" this pain, but eventually it just comes right back.
I've done self-talk out loud to myself - saying, "Why would you ever want this man back into your life? He lied to you, didn't love you the way a good husband should, he disrespected you and never cherished you in the way you deserved to be cherished. Why do you even want this lying, cheating, emotional abusive, selfish, self-centered man back in your life?"
Then I ask myself - what is it that is hurting me so much? Is it really the loss of 'him' or is it just the loss of all the time spent hoping for something that never really existed? Is it the hurt that comes from realizing that the marriage I've had for 20 years wasn't what I truly thought it was and that this man that I've known for almost 30 years is not who I thought he was after all?
I know the feeling of wanting to just pick up the phone and cave in - saying to yourself that life is too short and you'd be willing to 'work' with him on all his stuff. Believe me, after 30 years you get used to having someone around that you think 'loves' you and that you know (or that makes you think that you do.)
Jackie - everyone says that it will get easier and better! I'm just hanging onto those words with all my might. I hope you will be able to as well.
I do miss the good things about my SAWH, but I truly do not miss the lies or the emotional torment. Try to focus on the rotten stuff for now instead of the good times. You'll be able to deal with them later. For now, just try to focus on yourself - which, I know is hard, but is crucially important in order for us to heal.
I bought a book called "How to Heal Your Broken Heart in 30 Days" - yeah, a bit of a pipe dream, but it truly has some encouraging words and some thoughtful exercises that have helped me get through some of my lonely nights. (I also have a dog and a cat - which is one of the suggestions [pets].)
I also bought some yoga DVDs to help me try to get to a more mentally peaceful place, as well as to help me feel physically better. Maybe you could find something you enjoy - even if it's just listening to the ocean on CD while having a glass of wine.
I am also looking into getting back involved in some of the things I used to love that I gave up because of my husband's unfaithfulness - like performing & dancing. Maybe you will be able to search within yourself to find some of the things you've lost due to your marriage that you used to love and redevelop your innocence and passion for these things.
Oh Jackie. My heart breaks for you as much as mine is breaking. We are not alone in our grieving - not ever. Please feel free to PM me whenever the pain feels unbearable. We can and will get through this!!! There's got to be something so much better than this. We were not created to grieve. We were created to love and be loved. So for now - we must learn to love ourselves.
Hugs to you!!