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jackie89 posted 6/7/2013 21:29 PM

I had to come here, because my urge to contct STBXH, was really hard, but I kept listening to the words of the good people here.. NC NC NC!!

But weekends are still hard, Rainy nights like tonight, are still hard

I miss him, I miss talking with him after dinner, I miss my innocence in our relationship, my blind trust in the man I loved all my life, I miss how he made me laugh.

I know that this man no longer exhists - and I need to get "OVER IT".

Why do I feel lonely, when I Know that being with someone that doesn't love you - is a much lonelier place to be?

How can I KNOW all these things and why does it still hurt?

I want to get to the place of "Meh" about him and the situation, and God just needs help me get there, the sooner the better, I'm tired of caring and crying for this man...

MovingUpward posted 6/7/2013 22:27 PM

Are you able to get involved in a hobby or activity to get you out with others. Loneliness was initially a struggle for me. It took reinventing my life to fill my time with things that fed me to move beyond a state that I feel you are in.

Sad in AZ posted 6/7/2013 22:43 PM

I understand; it's hard. My active fantasy life got me through nights like this. God knows real life wasn't cutting it...

Hang in there; indifference will come.

Ariel posted 6/8/2013 11:29 AM

Jackie - I so can relate to your post. I am still in such incredible pain and just want it all to go away.

I have wonderful family and friends that I can spend time with, but the bottom line is that when you get home, it's just you - alone - in your lonely house and in your lonely bed.

I have bought books to read at night when I get into bed to try to help me "forget" this pain, but eventually it just comes right back.

I've done self-talk out loud to myself - saying, "Why would you ever want this man back into your life? He lied to you, didn't love you the way a good husband should, he disrespected you and never cherished you in the way you deserved to be cherished. Why do you even want this lying, cheating, emotional abusive, selfish, self-centered man back in your life?"

Then I ask myself - what is it that is hurting me so much? Is it really the loss of 'him' or is it just the loss of all the time spent hoping for something that never really existed? Is it the hurt that comes from realizing that the marriage I've had for 20 years wasn't what I truly thought it was and that this man that I've known for almost 30 years is not who I thought he was after all?

I know the feeling of wanting to just pick up the phone and cave in - saying to yourself that life is too short and you'd be willing to 'work' with him on all his stuff. Believe me, after 30 years you get used to having someone around that you think 'loves' you and that you know (or that makes you think that you do.)

Jackie - everyone says that it will get easier and better! I'm just hanging onto those words with all my might. I hope you will be able to as well.

I do miss the good things about my SAWH, but I truly do not miss the lies or the emotional torment. Try to focus on the rotten stuff for now instead of the good times. You'll be able to deal with them later. For now, just try to focus on yourself - which, I know is hard, but is crucially important in order for us to heal.

I bought a book called "How to Heal Your Broken Heart in 30 Days" - yeah, a bit of a pipe dream, but it truly has some encouraging words and some thoughtful exercises that have helped me get through some of my lonely nights. (I also have a dog and a cat - which is one of the suggestions [pets].)

I also bought some yoga DVDs to help me try to get to a more mentally peaceful place, as well as to help me feel physically better. Maybe you could find something you enjoy - even if it's just listening to the ocean on CD while having a glass of wine.

I am also looking into getting back involved in some of the things I used to love that I gave up because of my husband's unfaithfulness - like performing & dancing. Maybe you will be able to search within yourself to find some of the things you've lost due to your marriage that you used to love and redevelop your innocence and passion for these things.

Oh Jackie. My heart breaks for you as much as mine is breaking. We are not alone in our grieving - not ever. Please feel free to PM me whenever the pain feels unbearable. We can and will get through this!!! There's got to be something so much better than this. We were not created to grieve. We were created to love and be loved. So for now - we must learn to love ourselves.

Hugs to you!!

heartbroken_kk posted 6/8/2013 12:38 PM

Jackie, I have written your exact words. I remember those lonely nights. Yes, it hurts.

I'm letting you and Ariel know that yes for REALZ that it gets better. In fact, lonliness has basically gone away for me. The more you stay NC the faster you get to "meh" or would you believe just not even having him on your mind.

I haven't felt that boohoo woe is me I want my snuggles back in quite some time. I do have a dog though so I have someone to talk to and a warm body in bed. Pets are awesome!

MOO is right about hobbies and distraction. It is a tool you need to use while you wait for that four-letter-word TIME to do its magic. Reading is good, crafting (I did beading for a while, so therapeutic), pick an activity that occupies your body and mind for a few hours. I find having a project to do allows me to just redirect my brain away from him an onto me and my new life.

Be occupied now, think about YOU and your future, and re-direct your thoughts when your brain goes into old memories mode. You will shake him off sooner than you think.

Pippy posted 6/8/2013 13:18 PM

It really does get better, I promise. It just takes time. There are no shortcuts but you must help yourself by getting out more, putting one foot in front of the other and going out even when you don't feel like it.

Meet friends for coffee, join a gym, take a class or volunteer. Just get out of the house.

GreenMom posted 6/8/2013 18:47 PM

Man can I relate... I actually dislike weekends and look forward to work weeks now because work keeps me busy. I hope the weekends get easier soon.

jackie89 posted 6/8/2013 20:14 PM

Thank you for the replies, really appreciate it.

I know it will get better, I can see that light at the end of the tunnel..

Mostly it's like what you said Ariel said, it's the coming home at night, that still gets at me too.

And yes, you're right too - I need to get busier and more involved with stuff, and community.

I believe it's the summer season too - that is getting to me! The hanging out in the backyard, the going to graduation parties, birthday parties by myself, etc.

I've started my long walks and hikes with my former neighbor again - that has helped today, we're planning on doing that a few times a week. That is always so therapeutic too.

So I'll get there, this is my NEW REALITY, but man it is not easy!!

Thank you all!

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/8/2013 20:46 PM

Is it the hurt that comes from realizing that the marriage I've had for 20 years wasn't what I truly thought it was and that this man that I've known for almost 30 years is not who I thought he was after all?

^^^ this.

I actually don't miss my xWW, because I am realizing that I never really knew her. The person I loved, married and had two children with no longer exists to me. There is just someone that looks like her, who is the mother of my kids. ...something like that.

vb1984 posted 6/9/2013 12:45 PM

Jackie, I just posted a similar topic before I read yours. I don't really have much advice, but I wanted to let you know that I understand exactly how you feel. I guess we just have to keep reminding ourselves that it will get better, even though that is really hard right now.